Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Mopey


My poor little neglected blog!  I think about writing posts and then I get overwhelmed and don’t write anything.  Mostly because I don’t want to sound sad or mopey, but I kind of am. Sigh.

It’s kind of strange having a parent die.  You join this club: the fatherless, or the motherless. Hopefully it isn’t both, and hopefully it isn’t too early in life.  My dad was close to 70, but I still feel sad he didn’t have more years to enjoy this life.  A few years before he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he had kind of a break down.  It changed his life for the better, but I think it was hell for him to go through at the time.  I can remember having a conversation with him where he told me that a few days before, he had gone around to a few of the cemeteries where his parents and grandparents were buried.  He said something to the effect that his people lived long lives, and since he had a lot of years left in him, he was going to make sure they were good years.  He changed. But, despite his hopes, he still got sick within 2 years of this pronouncement.  

I am sad he didn’t get those years he had expected. 
 
I think about him so much.  I thought that I thought a lot about him while he was here; I would imagine him sleeping in his bed, away from home, silent and trapped.  My heart would ache for him.  But he was still in a place I could imagine, I could still touch him if I wanted to.  But now I can’t visit him or touch him or imagine where he is, and I think about him all the time.  I know he’s around, because I’ve felt him, but I still don’t know his reality.  I wonder if he misses us. I hope that he isn’t lonely without his family around him.  Hopefully being with his parents is a good consolation.  And Steve, my brother-in-law.  He and Steve have probably had a few good (possibly inappropriate!) laughs by now.

So yeah, I’m sad.  I know he’s in a better place, but I just miss him.  Maybe it’s because he’s himself again for the first time in so long, and I know I’m missing out on being with that dad.  I think about the morning that he died and our lovely laughing moment in the Cracker Barrel and I know he was laughing with us. 
I just didn’t realize how much I would miss him.  Or how high the dues were to join The Fatherless Club.  (Look at me being melodramatic.)  I know a lot of choice people in this same club, so I have good company.  But it doesn’t make it easier.  Maybe you just never stop missing them.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

3 Book reviews

I am so bored tonight!  Well, not really, but I feel that feeling that I haven't had in forever: that let down that comes only when I have finished the book I was immersed in for a few days.  After more than a year of what can only be called a reading slump, I have finally arrived.  Or I had until last night when I finished the last one.

It kind of feels like cheating, because I've gotten each of the books I want to review from NPR.  Their summer reading lists published in May and June gave me 3 good books that I read cover to cover in a matter of days. I don't know why I feel like I'm cheating, but oh well.  But, no more talk, let's review!

State of Wonder, Anne Patchett.  This book is hot right now, in fact, it's number 9 on the NYT Bestseller's list (not that that does much for me; there are plenty of James Patterson's and Mary Higgins Clark's that are there all. the. time. but you won't catch me reading or caring.)  But this book belongs on the best-sellers list.  Trust me.

It is the story of Marisa, a former ob/gyn resident who becomes a pathologist.  Her best friend at work has recently been reported as dead in the Brazilian jungle, and it is her mission to find out how he died.  I was amazed at the world that Patchett described: one of giant flying bugs, of muddy rivers that hide giant anacondas and microscopic fish, of hummingbirds and herons and purple butterflies and psychedelic mushrooms.  It was captivating.  It was also interesting to realize that there are parts of the world that are still wild, where people live in huts and braid their own roofs from leaves while wearing the cast off clothes of Americans.  I had never read a book by the author (she also wrote Bel Canto and The Magician's Assistant).  I'm not doing it justice, but read it (if you can ever get to the top of your library's hold list, heh heh.)

Matched, by Ally Condie.  This is a YF by a writer from Salt Lake City.  She has done what so few LDS authors have done: transcended the world of religion and wrote a book that can appeal to the everyday, non "solve the problem by baptizing and/or killing off a character" type of reader.  Her first few books were in fact published by Deseret Book (not that there is anything wrong with that!) but now she has hit the big time with Matched.  It is a dystopia where everything is decided for you by society, from where you will live to what you will do and who you will marry.  Cassia goes to her matching ceremony only to find that she is to marry her best friend Xander.  However, when she looks at the information given to her about her match, the information isn't about Xander, but another boy she knows: Ky.

I'll admit it is a little like a lot of the recent dystopian fiction of the past few years - Uglies, Hunger Games, what have you.  But, most importantly, there are no glittery vampires or swarthy werewolves to contend with.  The characters don't often "murmur" or "dance across rooms."  Condie has created characters that are likable and believable.  Cassia isn't your trying-to-not-be-self-absorbed-while-being-completely-self-absorbed character like Katniss and Bella.  She knows who she loves and she knows why and she doesn't allow herself to be backed into a love triangle because she is too afraid of hurting the two boys.

My favorite part was when Cassia learns a poem that has been forgotten by society - Dylan Thomas' Do not go gentle into that good night.  I love how the power of language inspires her to stand up and fight.  I also loved a part when Cassia, who doesn't know how to write because everything is typed,  learns to write her name. We take for granted our power to write our own names - a symbol of who were are, a mark that we are here.  I kept thinking of this part of the book when I wrote about my dad writing his name in my copy of East of Eden in my talk for my dad's funeral last week.  Powerful stuff.  Again, I'm not doing it justice, but I loved it.

Before I go to Sleep, SJ Watson.  I'm not much for mysteries, but I could not put this book down and read it in 2 days.  Christine has no long-term memory - everything she learns during the day is lost at night while she sleeps.  She wakes every morning to a man she doesn't know and has to relearn all the painful truths of the past 20 years of her life.  With the help of a doctor and a journal, she starts to piece together her life.  It is so well-written and captivating.  Not my usual genre, but definitely good for a quick summer-time read.

Have you read any of these?  Now that I'm bookless, do you have any suggestions for me?  I have a few holds that I am waiting for, but I'm fishing around.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

8/9/11

What a strange last few days I have had.  I went down to my mom's house on Thursday expecting to help take care of my dad.  I had brought a book with me - Lonesome Dove - that I idyllically imagined myself reading to my sleeping father.  I would make myself some lunch, talk to him, maybe take a nap on the couch.  I would go on a run around my hometown - something I had dreamed of doing many times, but never actually done. Oh, how things can change.

I came home from my run to find my mom still there (she was supposed to go to work once the hospice nurse left)  I was a little surprised to see her there.  I knew that my dad had taken a turn for the worse in night, but I didn't know that the nurse advised her while I was gone that my dad would probably pass away that day.  My idyllic day went out the window.  My solitary lunch turned into my mom and I chatting over homemade broccoli soup (which was great - I didn't mind sharing lunch!!)  My reading of Lonesome Dove to my dad was more of a unidentifiable wail as I attempted to comfort my dad through the reading of one of his favorite books.  It wasn't super effective as you can imagine.

In the end, it was one of the most sacred experiences of my life.  No, I didn't speak with my dad miraculously after a year and a half of silence.  No, he didn't visit us with his spirit before he drifted away to the other side.  But I spent time with my mom, sisters, and nieces that will forever be in my heart.  I did some theraputic gardening, cutting down a volunteer tree that was growing out of the side of a rose bush that needed pruning.  As the day wore on, more and more people came to visit.  Both of my uncles and my aunt came to say their goodbys.  We at homemade spaghetti..  We laughed at the sweet little babies who are my great-nieces. 

Later, after a scare when we thought we had lost dad and we were all close by his bedside, we cried and told him we loved him.  As the moments stretched on and he continued to breathe, we started to talk more and more.  Boy, you should have heard the conversation!  It was completely inappropriate, and yet completely appropriate.  We laughed and cried and asked stupid questions and waited to watch him pass from this world to the next.  I slept in my old room for the first time in over 10 years.  It was much louder than I remembered - at about 4:30am, several trains went through blaring their horns for miles and miles.  We were there when he took his last breath at 6:40am on Friday morning.  I was so glad and relieved for him that he was finally able to pass on.

We went to breakfast later that morning.  We laughed over the very real (for a few moments) possibility that I had sent a text stating "Grandpa died about 15 minutes ago" to the wrong number.  We went home and looked at old pictures and planned funeral talks and funeral clothing for the deceased and sorted out who would do what.  It was crazy and so intensely personal I can barely describe it.  I will always be grateful I was there with him that night into the morning when he took his final breath.

This weekend was spent in a flurry of activity to prepare for the funeral.  I told my mom that Shane would make a slide show to present at the funeral.  I bought a printer/scanner and scanned hundreds of pictures.  Others were emailed to me.  I gazed at pictures of my parents on their wedding day.  I looked at them dancing in 70's clothes.  I watched them go from having 2 children to 3 to 4.  I watched birthdays and wedding and blessings and baptisms.  I took it so personally - every picture that every person sent me would be included (except for 3.  And I am more bothered by the 3 missing ones than you can imagine.)  Late yesterday I got a goldmine of black and white photos of my dad and his brothers when they were young.  It was cathartic to go through so many good memories of my dad.  Every. Single. Picture had him in it.  Amazing.  Shane did his magic and put it to music to create a 25 minute video of my dad's life.  If it wasn't 35 megabytes, I would post it here.

Somewhere along the way, I told my mom I would speak.  I wrote a talk last night I think would have made my dad happy.  The talk I came up with is here.  I went to the viewing today ready for the day.  All I really wanted was to be able to get through my talk without sounding like a blubbing mess (Aside: I spoke at my grandpa's funeral when I was 9.  I wrote a poem.  I didn't know that the family prayer/closing of the casket leaves you feeling like a wrung out dishcloth.  I sobbed through the whole thing, and my sister had to come to my rescue and read it for me.  I didn't want to repeat that experience.)  It went off perfectly.  I choked up a little at the end, but it was okay.  I listened to my sister's amazing talk, the beautiful violin and piano duet of How Great Thou Art, my uncle's life sketch, and my childrend and nieces and nephews singing I am a Child of God with such a feeling of comfort.  The prayers given by my brother-in-law, my nieces, and my uncle were amazing.  I felt such love for every cousin, friend, aunt, in-law, and acquaintance who came to share this day.

My dad is okay.  He left this world to a much better place.  I miss him, but I don't miss visiting him in his resthome.  I don't miss seeing him stuck in his body.  I don't miss worrying that he was alone in a place among strangers. I love that he came home to spend his final days.  I love those who had a part in his care those final 6 days.  I am humbled by the man that he was and still is.  I can't wait to meet him again one day.  He has a special work to do where he is at, and I'm glad he didn't linger another minute longer than necessary here.

Good-bye, my daddy.  I miss and love you.  Watch over us always.













Friday, August 5, 2011

Place Marker...

Although this is far from the post I want to write, I want to mark this occasion, this day.  My dad died this morning and I was so blessed to be there with him along with my mom and sisters.

I love you Dad. 'Til we meet....

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

June/July in review

I'm not loving my old 10 list format, so I'm trying something new. Hopefully it works out.

Things I want to remember:


  1. Doing Ragnar with Shane and Amy and all my friends.  It was better than Christmas.
  2. The barbecue we had at my sister's house for my mom's birthday.  My kids played in the pool for 5 hours straight and loved every minute.  My youngest great nephew and two great nieces were there and so it was a little like baby heaven (they were 3, 2, and 1 month, respectively. So cute!)
  3. We celebrated my dad's 69th birthday.  Amy fed him cake, my mom gave him a diet coke, and I took pictures while our kids chased rabbits around the courtyard of the resthome.
  4. Talked about blackmail photos with my niece Haley.  She apparently has some good ones on me, so I should be nice about her.
  5. Turned 36.  Sigh.
  6. Gave a talk in church. It was the first time since I've been an adult that I've spoken in sacrament.  I based my talk on Elder Bednar's talk on revelation.  I love the way  his mind works - he explains gospel concepts very logically and I'm all about logical gospel concepts!  I'm now set for another 15 years on giving talks I hope!
  7. Found out my bestest friend Rebecca is going to have a baby. I am so excited for her and her husband Steve!
  8. Sunday bike rides at the Jordan River trail with the kids.
  9. Going to Snowbird to ride the tram look at wild flowers.  The weather closed the tram so we kind of had to kick it and find someway to entertain ourselves.
  10. Thomas and Ben finished fourth grade and kindergarten in June, and then started fifth and first grades at the end of July.  I have two kids in all day school - I've reached Nirvana.  I'll let you know when I get more than one day in a row of being home to enjoy it. 
  11. A night out with my sister at my work's retreat.  We giggled the whole way through Sundance's Sound of Music.  Someone around us in the audience even farted. It was awesome.
  12.  



    Books that took up my time:
    1. Cold Sassy Tree.  It took 3 attempts, but in the end I loved it.
    2. The Graveyard Book.  I had it on my list for a long time, and finally read it thanks to my lovely book exchange.
    3. Til we have Faces. My first non-Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe CS Lewis book.
    4. Matched.  This is a trilogy, so if you hate waiting for books for years on end, don't read it.  But it's really good and written by a lady in Salt Lake who has reached the shangri-la of coming from this culture and writing a book that doesn't end with someone dying or getting baptized (or both.) 
    5. Spoiled (I heard about this on NPR and it was awesome. It kind of brought me out of my nearly 18 month long book slump.)
    6. Currently, I am reading Ann Patchett's State of Wonder.  It is so good!
    Things I worried about:
    1. My dad.  He is declining, and will probably not last much longer.  I will miss him but will be so glad that he is no longer trapped inside his body.  He is actually home now and we are helping to take care of him.
    2. The debt ceiling debacle.  I think it's ridiculous that the greatest country in the world allowed itself to get that close to the edge.  Everyone in Congress should get fired. That would teach them for worrying about reelection when the reputation of the USA is on the line.  I blame NPR for being so awesome that I even know anything about the debt ceiling crisis. I think I liked things much better when I was ill-informed and oblivious to the things going on in the world.
    3. Finding runners for next year's Ragnar.  I know, it's a year away. But team Still Chafing Tail is registered and ready to go but still needs some runners.  If you don't sign up right away, you just don't get in.  Now we are in.  I have some people I keep telling that they are running. I think they think I'm teasing, but I'm not.  They'll come to see things my way soon enough (insert evil laugh.)
    Stuff I purchased:
    1. Headbands from Sporty Girl.  I love them!  I would wear one every day if I could.  I got 3 and wear them whenever I run or go out in the sun. 
    2. Some new shoes to replace my broken wooden ones.  I aparently found the only pair of shoes at the Nordstrom sale that weren't one sale.  But they are cute and I'll wear them forever, so it's okay, right?  Right?
    3. A couch.  Or rather a set of couches.  I can't wait for them to come in!  I will not miss my hodgepodge 10 year old furniture.  I won't.
    4. Admission for the Halloween Half Marathon for me and Shane.  It's all fun and games and costumes until you actually have to run down the canyon 13.1 miles.
      Things making us happy (I'm kind of blatantly copying NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour here, but oh well!):
      1. Handstands.  My kids are obsessed with them.  I should do a post just on handstands because my kids are constantly upending themselves all over my family room.  It's awesome.  They are getting so good!
      2. My new camera.  It does HD video!  It can zoom!  It doesn't take crappy pictures!  I love it.
      3. Social Media is making Shane happy.  He's helping some people market their ideas and he's loving it.  They had a lunch meeting to work out all the details.  He is so excited to be helping them. 
      4. Being home with my kids after school every. single. day. of the week.  This is a new experience for all of us, and has brought much peace to our evenings.  It's ironic that my kids get into all day school and I start working less hours, isn't it?  but I love it!
      5. Self-portraits.  It's the only way I get in pictures with my own camera, so I take them. I'm kind of perfecting the art of the self portrait.  Enjoy the fruits of my labors:



        What made you happy in June/July 2011?  Will you remember these months for anything in particular?