Gratitude Three: I am what I am not

Sometimes, to know what something is is to not what it is not. Like these gratitude posts. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but there are also some things I'm not grateful for, things I could do without and do just fine, thankyouverymuch. This week has been rough and I've been thinking a lot about the stuff I'm not grateful for, and it's shown me some things I am good at by way of seeing things I'm not good at. (I planned this post yesterday as I squeezed in a run before the kids came home from school - I do my best thinking while running.)

• I am not a good party planner. If you want to see me frazzled, stressed, and super grumpy, ask me to plan a party. Especially a party involing multiple excitable children. Kill me now.
• I am not a good present-wrapper. I don't buy ribbons or bows. I don't get excited to have all my Christmas wrapping paper matchy-matchy and color coordinated and "let's open THIS gift now." We don't do bows because my husband had cats as a child and so his presents didnt' have bows and ribbon. We don't do organized upwrapping because it drives my husband crazy. Compromise. (But seriously: even if I did want to buy bows & things - I still am a lazy present-wrapper and I am likely to stay that way.)
• I'm not good at being sad.
• I'm not good at getting something out of my head once I've gotten it into my head.
• I hate to vacuum. 
• I'm terrible at arguing. I'm much better at seeing someone else's point of view and am terrible at getting my point of view across. Plus I am to scared to say something I will regret so I end up saying nothing but thinking a lot of things that are impossible for me to put into words. If I could just write the person I am having an argument with a strongly-worded letter, arguments would go much better in my life.
• I hate to wake up in the morning. Every single morning of my life I've wished for more sleep. Terrible morning person.
• I don't like buying shoes for my kids. I mean, they always have shoes, but it gives me hives to take them to the store, try them on, and purchase them.
• My handwriting is atrocious. Even when I try really, really hard. And it is getting worse. I don't know why my SDBBE people put up with my commenting. Maybe they just ignore it except for the bits that happen to come out legible. 
• I am terrible with dogs. I don't like it when they lick me. I much prefer to be ignored by a cat.
• I hate touching raw meat. I'm not very good at cooking it, either. I can handle beef okay, but chicken still freaks me out a little.
• I tend to misplace things like keys, wallets, phones, and sunglasses. Often. It drives Shane nuts. When we worked together before we dated, he used to pity the fool who married me, since he had watched me lose my keys every. single. day that we worked together. The joke ended up being on him in the end, didn't it? Now I lose his keys and sunglasses.
•  I'm not good at putting things away. There are always books and papers and random things on my counters. (See the middle three sentences of my last bullet point.)
• I'm not good at telling my true feelings.
• I'm not good at connecting with my kids as they get older. I mean, I still talk to them and hug them and work on their homework with them. But the video games and the roughhousing and the making everything into a weapon (and being big enough that it can now cause serious damage) makes me feel like the odd man out. I try to do the best I can, but mostly I feel a little bewildered.
• I'm not good at knowing which department to shop in at Kohl's. I'm always slightly afraid I'm shoppping in the old ladies section. Although I'm dangerously close to being old enough to shop in the old ladies section.
• I'm not good at paying more for something at one store when I know it's half the price at another store. Take yesterday. I had a $20 gift card to Smiths from my work. I went there to buy a turkey and some other items for Thanksgiving. I also needed to buy deodorant. I couldn't bring myself to spend the $5 that it cost as Smiths (even though I had free money!) because I know deodorant is half that price at Walmart. So now I have to go back to Walmart. 
• I am not good at managing my time. End of story.

What are you not good at? Does knowing who you aren't help you to know who you are, or just bring you down?

Gratitude Two: Wry humor about pigs.

My dad had a crazy sense of humor. It is one of the things that I might miss the most: seeing him laugh, and hearing about the things that made him laugh.

Because I was missing him a little this morning, I grabbed my copy of the book his best friend made of letters and stories from their long friendship. I cannot look at this book (or even open it) without sobbing. It fills me with hope that he still exists, somewhere. It makes me frustrated that we can't have more of this earthly life together. It makes me mad that he had to die so young. So really, it isn't a book I've opened more than a few times. But I guess I needed it today.

So, my gratitude for today is this thoughful missive from my father, circa 2003. It makes me do that crazy laugh/cry thing that all women do during the cemetery scene of Steel Magnolias. Hope through despair and all that business. In this letter, my dad has sent a John Irving book to his friend Kent. A short story called Trying to Save Piggy Sneed has caught his eye, and these are the thoughts he has on the story. I doubt that many of you will find it as funny as I do - sometimes you just have to know the person for their thoughts to be funny or profound or meaningful - but know at least one of you will enjoy this paragraph.

When I initially saw the book at Border's, the word "Piggy" caught my eye. Why? Anything that mentions a pig, interests me. Because deep down, I know that if I had been born anything but human, I would have liked to been a pig. Perhaps a Dorack Hog. A big breeder. Don't you think it would be a good life, if your were a pig and had all the sows you wanted? Don't you think that would be a good life? Even at the end, after they had converted you to Bacon and you smiled down from heaven you could recall all the good times. (Do you think there is an afterlife for animals?) With a wry grin on your snout, you blissfully recall your favorite sows. That is if you were a "lucky" pig as you rutted and rooted your way through life. If you were just a common everyday run of the mill pig, I guess being a pig would not be all that great Perhaps in the after life you might shudder a bit as you remembered my Uncle Roe as he drew the sharp life across your throat and bled you out as you dangled from the butchering house ceiling.

These little letters, shared between best friends of nearly 50 years, are a treasure. Even if I had corresponded with my dad, he wouldn't have written these things to me. These were ideas that he shared with his friend, not his child. Having them makes me glad he did have at least one good friend. One who let him talk about his desire to be a pig. One who even laughed at it and enjoyed my dad's thought process. Maybe he even thought to himself which merits of being a pig would have appealed to him.

It makes me realize: what I am doing by blogging is important. It probably won't change the world. I'm not going to ever be a famous blogger. But I am leaving my words behind for others to read. Maybe one day this collection of words will bring someone who loved me comfort of some sort. I cannot have a new conversation with my dad. But the words he took time to write and send to a friend bring him back to me in a way that my memories never will. And that is something to be truly grateful for.

November Gratitude!

It's that time again! I love November for so many reasons, not the least of which my gratitude entries. I know - it's easy to roll the eyes at the gratitudes, I even find myself doing it for the numerous Facebook gratitude entries. Totally hypocritical, I know!

Last year for my last post, I did a 50 things I'm grateful for post. I listed stuff like my cat and books and sunsets (okay, maybe not sunsets, but still, there were some superficial things on the list.) A few days after I wrote the post, I realized a giant error I made. I didn't list my sweet mother-in-law in the post. How ungrateful am I? Because I love her very much and am so glad she is in my life, and my children's lives.

I met Vonnay on the same day as my husband. I had just been hired at Copies Unlimited, thanks to my mother seeing my older sister's friend in the grocery store and begging her to give me a job. She did so (we used to joke at the old C.U. that if you filled out an application, you wouldn't be hired. Pretty true statement. Everyone was a sister/aunt/cousin/mother/friend to someone else who worked there.) It was an early spring day and the sun was coming through the back windows, illuminating the blackened-from-copy-toner 1960's carpet in a delightful way. We were having pizza for someone's birthday and Vonnay introduced herself to me. She was super friendly and I liked her immediately.

I flirted with her son incessantly. And yet we didn't date or ever act on our flirtations for a very, very long time. However, one year at Christmas we had a Christmas party at the boss's house. Vonnay knew I was a little hippie chick and she had told me she had some old clothes from the 60's she would find for me. Shane was given the task the night of the Christmas party of bringing me a levi jacket that Vonnay had worn back in the day. She had gone to the effort of wrapping it up like a Christmas present. Also: Shane had brought a date with him to the party. That girl didn't get a present from his mom. I felt very smugly satisfied at the thought that even though she got to sit next to him at the party and have him flash his dimples her way, I was the one his mom liked. Stupid girl.

Vonnay has always been in my corner. She does so many things for me and my family. She is always, always happy to see us and never greets us at her door (or anywhere else!) without a hug and kiss. She loves her grandkids. She helps me each year at Ragnar by watching my kids for 2 days. When my kids play soccer she comes to every game and even remembers a water bottle for them to drink (I don't even do that!) She never fails to make me feel loved. We have a friendship that is based on a lot more than family ties and I am eternally grateful for it.

So I want to say "Thanks, Ma." And that I am very sorry I didn't tell her this a year ago when I rhapsodized about sunsets and other trivialities. I love her very much.

Are you excited for November?

October Review

Wow! October was the longest month of my entire life. For some reason I was really looking forward to it all year. And: it didn't disappoint!

Stuff we did:

• Had a family get together. It was so fun to see my family! 

• Drove to Spokane to visit our friends. It was so fun! We left on a Wednesday and came home on Saturday. Even though it was short, we had a great time. The drive was perfect - the trees all along the Clark Fork had started to turn and they were gorgeous for hundreds of miles. We ate dinner in downtown Spokane near a waterfall and breakfast at Frank's Diner. We went running on Melanie and John's beautiful running route. My kids ran wild for 3 days - I hardly saw them except for at mealtimes. The most amazing thing: we saw a bald eagle sitting in a tree next to the road on our way home. I couldn't get a picture of it, but me and the boys saw it. It was beautiful! Can't wait to go and visit again.

• Ran 75 miles, including two 10 mile training runs, an 11 mile training run, and a half marathon.

• Got a little change of duties at work. I've been in the same position at work for more than 13 years. Pretty cool to start focusing on the stuff I really enjoy doing and am (quite frankly) good at.

• Entertained kids for 3 weeks while they were off track. I am not a very creative mom and we didn't do anything very exciting. But they did see their friends almost every day, which is a pretty good way to spend 3 weeks, right?

• Sang in Stake Conference. I'm not saying I'm going to volunteer next time around, but it was pretty cool.

• Halloween. My kids were Hawkeye from The Avengers. Easiest costume ever! They looked pretty good. We went trick-or-treating with their friends. They got a lot of candy and it was beautiful weather with a giant harvest moon hanging over it all.

So, that is what we did. Some other things I want to remember;

• At the family dinner, right before the prayer someone said "You picked a fine time." Without missing a single beat, Amy said "to leave me Lucille." I giggled the whole way through the prayer. Then the next morning NPR did a little story on Kenny Rogers which ended with them playing the song The Gambler. It was just too much for my raised-on-Kenny-Rogers heart to bear (not saying I like being raised that way, but it's what my dad played while we drove for hours on the boat from Moki Canyon to Rainbow bridge and back. My childhood was steeped in KR, Roger Whittaker, Dan Fogleberg, and Paint your Wagon.) So, I naturally downloaded The Gambler one afternoon and listened to it on my run. It stayed with me all month. I've been humming it incessantly ever since. It is something that is a little embarrassing and not very cool to like, but somehow it fits into a spot that says "Dad." That's a good spot.

• Other songs I downloaded: 

1. The Cave, Mumford and Sons (I hated M&S until just recently. Now I can't stop listening to this song.)
2. I will Wait, Mumford and Sons
3. Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons
4. Unchained Melody, U2 (head a live rendition of this mixed with One that was soooo good, but can't find a download of it.)
5. Reflections, Diana Ross and the Supremes (heard this at Frank's Diner with Mel and John. Good memories!)
6. Paradise, Cold Play (the kids wanted this one.)

• Books I tried to read/and or finished:

1. The Orchardist - so beautiful. I was about 2/3 of the way done and it was a week late at the library so I took it back. But the landscape is so close to the one we drove through on our way to Spokane that the story made it's way into my memory of the trip. It didn't help that I started reading it on the way home as I sprawled in the back seat of our rented Buick Enclave. Good times.
2. The Casual Vacancy - read 1 chapter, said "meh" and took it back to the library.
3. Tell the Wolves I'm Home - I actually didn't even crack this one open but I want to check it out again later.
4. Slaughterhouse 5 - started it, didn't get at all far.
5. Rainwater - almost finished this in October (actually finished it just today!) Enjoyed it.

Well there it is. October was a really beautiful month and I enjoyed it immensely. I love when the seasons change and they bring a new perspective to everything.