Slow spinning redemption.

(Thank you for all your kind words from my last post. You all made me feel so loved.)

I've been having a pity party of one for quite a while, as you all experienced with my last post. I don't like to post when I'm sad. I'm not sad very often. But life happens and it eventually shows you who is boss. Life - 1. Becky - 0. I'll take my losses.

I went running today. I picked a route that is as familiar as my favorite pajama pants. I could do it in my sleep. I debated running on the new trail near my house but running it is a reminder of who I've been since December and not who I normally am, so I didn't run it. My run was fine - not great, not bad, just average. Part of the problem for me is that I generally don't feel pain from my back while I run - I just pay for it afterward. But I talked to the doctor again this week and she assured me I can't do anything to hurt it worse than it already is. I might as well run, right?

So I'm (trying to be) done with the pity party. I've consumed the appetizers, the main course, and had desert with hot chocolate. I'm ready to ditch this awful gloom.

On my run today I listened to this song over and over. I know it isn't fun to read song lyrics, but I'm going to put them out there anyway.

I 

need freedom now  

And 

I need to know how  

To live my life 

as it's meant to be
And 

I 

will 

hold 

on 

hope  

(And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck)
And 

I'll

 find 

strength 

in 

pain  

And I

 will change my ways

(The Cave, Mumford and Sons.)

And there's this one

 

Hope 

dangles on a string

 like slow spinning redemption  

Winding in and winding out, 

the shine of it has caught my eye  

And roped me in, 

so mesmerizing 

and 

so hypnotizing

I am captivated,

 I am 
Vindicated,

 

(Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional)

Not my words, but they come close to how I am feeling.

And there's this one, that I read last night that gives me comfort that I can do what Amy hoped for me in her lovely post yesterday.

Be Still

and 

Know

that 

I am God.

 

Psalms 46:10