Introducing Spring, DBD, Holly, and the rest of the characters in my head

One of my favorite podcasts is 10% Happier with Dan Harris. I've listened to most of the podcasts; ok, maybe lately I've been behind because I can't stop listening to political podcasts (I'm looking at you, Rachel Maddow.)

The podcast today had Dan talking about an idea that I've liked for a while but not spent much time doing or paying attention to. When Dan gets distracted while meditating, he sometimes slips into common personality aspects that he's given real-life names to. The idea is that when we realize our brain is thinking the thoughts common to that character, we catch ourselves and come back to the present by naming them.

Anyway, based on Dan's advice, I'm going to devote this blog post to the different characters who often spend time in my mental ramblings. I'm going to attempt to name them, but I won't promise the names will stick. Maybe just identifying them will help me in some way to get myself out of the stories I often cast myself in.

Disclaimer 1: I promise, these are not evidence of any multiple personality disorder.
Disclaimer 2: These personalities might show a bit of my vulnerabilities, gulp.

• Spring. Spring comes around when I'm feeling particularly mother-earth-goddess-yoga-slash-meditation-instructor-y. She wants to be one with the earth and think that she can rise above all the problems if she just remembers that All! Things! Are! Impermanent! She narrates when I'm very, very content, or trying to Just Be With The Universe. Sometimes she's natural, sometimes she's forced. She's not a super common visitor, but she's always wanting to get her .02 cents in. Or just her sunshiny outlook, because Money Doesn't Matter to Spring so she doesn't have .02 cents.
• DBD. DBD is when I'm working something out with certain family members in my head. She is always undefended from other people's points, and she never wins. She pleads her case, citing examples of what she's done since birth that makes her not guilty of being a terrible person. DBD used to be really loud, and she would very often show up while driving. I can spend a lot of time lost in DBD's thoughts. I've made a lot effort to tell her to shut the efff up. But she's always there, waiting. DBD knows she is guilty of Everything.
• Writer McWriterson. This is the person who shows up mostly when I'm working something out in my life or mind, who thinks Everything She Has to Say is going to be important to society. She comes out most of the time when I'm walking in the tunnel beneath State Street on my way back from McDonalds. She can ALWAYS come up with the most profound blog posts, and they are really well written and flow and make the exact point that is important in my head. 
• Writer's Cousin, Photo McPhotoson, who takes the perfect photo. 
• Sister K. She is the Becky that both loves and resents religion. She's around a lot lately.
• Holly Hobby Lobby. She's the one who buys 2 or 3 extra fat quarters at the fabric store, and then also gets 3 more books that weren't on hold at the library 20 minutes later. She gives me grand visions of finishing my housework so I can sew followed by reading followed by deadheading the lilies outside followed by a nice walk or run followed by 20 minutes of meditation on the porch in the sun followed by making banana bread for the neighbor followed by listening to that awesome podcast while also singing loudly to all of the songs from my favorite bands followed by re-reading the Harry Potter series. And then, vacuuming takes forever because I keep taking breaks to look at my phone and I need another coffee before I sit down to sew, so....I never get my sewing machine out. and the rest of it was never happening to begin with.

I'm thinking six people to identify at first shot is pretty good. I'll try to notice when they stop by. Hopefully I can say hello, give them a lemon drop, and send them on their way.

Who is taking up space in your head?

Review: Bikram Yoga Express Class.

I've been inconsistent with yoga this year. During the fall, I was able to attend more than one class a month, and I was starting to feel the benefits. So far in 2015, I've only been to a few classes. But, as they say, it is what it is.

The Bikram studio that I frequent started offering an express class - a 60 minute class instead of the traditional 90 minutes. I love to practice Bikram, but there are challenges. Eating has been a hard thing to figure out for me - I like to give myself 3 or so hours after a meal before I practice, and that is hard to do for a non-morning person. My time is limited (whose isn't?) so a typical  class can feel like a strain on my day. And, I tend to feel sleepy and a bit spacey after class. I'm not sure if it is the heat or the time of day that I take class (either morning or late afternoon) that causes this.These aren't things that keep me from practicing, just items that I have to manage on the days I practice.

I went to my first class last week, and it helped me with a lot of these issues. The mid-day class gave me enough time to have my morning with my kids and then do errands or chores once they were off to school. I could breakfast like normal and still had time to digest. Plus, I still have a bit of time after class if I need to finish up any projects or tasks.

During the class, I had a lot of trouble keeping my mind in the room. I had overheard two of the instructors talking about teaching an express class and how to best manage the time. I ingested too much of what the one instructor said about how they organize their classes. I wish I hadn't. It kept me from experiencing and trusting my instructor. I wanted to think I knew what was coming next (hello, control issues!), and so when I had to repeat certain poses that I had anticipated being singular, I felt mental anguish, especially the ones that I don't enjoy! I wished so much that I could quiet my brain and simply experience the great class my instructor was giving me. She is an instructor I know and enjoy, and I didn't like feeling distracted by my expectations.

I also learned about trust. My overly-anxious mind kept me watching the clock, wondering how we would finish on time. Part of it was curiosity, but most of it is related to my tendency to second guess others. This is an issue that bleeds into a lot of areas in my life. I want to get better at letting things happen, trusting others expertise, and quieting my anxieties.

We have been learning about mindfulness (which is really just an easier-to-swallow word for meditation) at work. It has has extended my knowledge and understanding of meditation and the effect that our thoughts and feelings about stress have on our lives. This class and my mindset was a good example for me of my bad habits. I'm trying to break the cycle of anxiety caused from anticipation and overthinking. My old habits keep me from being in the moment and more fully experiencing what I am doing.

The class itself was a whirlwind. Here are some thoughts:

•  I loved moving through the poses quickly. I didn't have time to dread either what I was doing, or what was coming next. 
• When it came time for Camel, I found it less difficult emotionally. We did two sets, and I did both with a sense of surprise that they came so fast, and that they were so much easier than normal. I almost didn't hate the pose. Almost!
• I liked that my feet didn't ache as much as they do in a 90 minute class. I get so distracted by them.
• I tried to be thoughtful in the poses that were singular. I know a few of my bad habits now, thanks to receiving corrections for things I do wrong in the back strengthening poses. I put extra effort into them, which helped me feel that I got just as much back from doing them once as I would have doing them twice.
• I left feeling every bit as challenged as I usually do, and just a bit less spent, which was very helpful to the rest of my day. I wasn't tired or groggy like I usually am, which my family appreciated.

I am sold on the express class. It is something I plan on incorporating into my weekly workout regimen. Also, the more I experience at Bikram West Jordan, the more I enjoy and appreciate the studio. Everyone is welcome and valued.  I hope that this class is successful and stays around permanently.

Get a good grip on your heels.

Last week was insane. I can't go into all of the crazy, but suffice it to say, I never want another week like that again. Looking back, if I had to say what caused most of the anguish, I would say it was lack of planning on the part of others, insensitivity and assumptions, and the foolish feeling in me to always need verification of my feelings from others combined with a tendency to want to take care of people in impossible ways.

Basically, a recipe for disaster.

By the time Saturday rolled around, I had an emotional hangover to match the real hangover I had the morning after my bachelorette party. I felt bruised and battered and I had a desperate urge to feel something physical to take away the emotional drama. So I went to hot yoga. While I usually strive to do my very best in class, I gave myself permission to get through whatever I could in the class, even if that meant just laying in Savasana. Plus I knew that even if I cried through the whole class, no one would know because it would just look like sweat. Hopefully.

Luckily, I did okay. I did take a knee for the second set of Triangle Pose. I got through all of the floor poses in a good state of mind until the second set of Half-Tortoise Pose, when I began to have a mini-panic attack at the thought what was next - Camel Pose. Camel is always a hard one for me. If there is anything emotional going in my life at the time, it usually bubbles up during Camel. I've cried in it, I've felt elated in it, I've also felt absolutely nothing in it (but that is rare.)



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I found I was breathing so fast I thought I would hyperventilate. Even though I was 3 feet from the front mirror, I avoided any eye contact with myself. I dragged myself into the beginning position of the pose, head down. Leaning backward into the pose felt like I was being flayed. Or crucified. I could barely endure the feeling of exposure. I kept thinking of the terrible conversations I'd had in the preceding days, and I recognized the same feelings of panic and despair. When it was time to come out, I got out as quickly as possible, collapsed onto my back, and cried, dreading the knowledge I'd just have to do it all again.

But that was when I got pissed. When Savasana was done, I let my anger drive me. I turned around, stood up on my knees, and stomped my way towards the mirror (which looks as comical as it sounds), looking at forward the entire time. Before I dropped my head back to begin the pose, I stared into my own eyes and let the person in the mirror look defiantly back. I went into Camel and let all my anger override my fear of the openness. It was the exact same pose as before, but the intention was completely different. I let that sink in, and thought of the recent conversations and how I could improve my intentions, even if the consequences are the same. I stayed in the pose just a few seconds after the instruction to come out came, just to prove to myself I could face and learn from hard things.

After Camel comes Rabbit. Rabbit is as closed off as a pose can be.

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It was a relief to feel protected again. I listened to the instructions that were given - get a good grip on your heels. What I heard was "Get a grip on your life, Becky." I need to find a good handhold inside of me to balance my recent openness with people I've been closed off to for 20 years with my tendency to close off to those same people. Pulling back in didn't negate the openness I felt before. The thought came to me to adapt to the extremes and find the middle. As I came out of Rabbit, the instructor reminded me to come out slowly, aligning my spine one vertebrae at a time (which is so symbolic of what has been going on lately), tightening my core, bringing up my head last, keeping that good grip on my heels, and finding my eyes in the mirror.

I don't always have such a dramatic yoga class. I went to the class with the hope that Camel pose would do its worst and allow me to see clearer.

What I took away from the class was:

• I can be open with people without flaying myself or allowing them to flay me. 
• My Camel doesn't have to be so deep, and my Rabbit doesn't have to be so protected.
• I need to stop finding the extremes in everything, stop allowing others to ruin my zen, straighten my spine, and lift up my head to face the world.

Gratitude, Day 3

In August, a Bikram yoga studio opened up really close to me. It was a dream come true for me; I love Bikram, but I couldn't mange the 15+ mile drive to the closest studio, or the drop-in rate very regularly. Having a place to practice that is only 4 miles away made me super happy. I've been going weekly ever since, with the exception of the times when my kids are out of school.

Being able to practice regularly has opened my eyes a lot to this style of yoga. I found out that as much as I love the class, I equally hate and despise parts of it. My feet ache in almost every posture. I hate how wobbly and inflexible I am on my left side. I dread going into Standing Bow Pulling, Standing Head to Knee, and Standing Separate Leg to Knee poses. This dread is only surpassed by my ultimate hatred for Camel Pose, which simultaneously makes me want to weep, and run from the hot room, screaming.

But mostly I love it. I love learning little tricks to making the poses easier. I love how I'm overcoming some of my balance issues, and how I'm getting more flexible.

I also love the owner and the tone that she sets for the studio. The Salt Lake studio I had practiced at was really intimidating. Everyone was so granola-y, with their Subarus in the parking lot and fancy yoga mats and towels and row upon row of perfect pose practitioners. I didn't feel welcome there; being there brought out my competitive side, and I didn't like that. Who tries to compete in yoga, after all. Ronda, the owner of the studio here, is really kind and real. It filters down from her to make it a very nice place.

One of the poses I've really been practicing at is Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose. Basically, you are standing with your feet 3-4 feet apart. You grab your heels from the outside and pull, lengthening the backs of the legs as well as down the torso. The object is to touch the top of your head to the towel. I've touched my forehead in class one time before this week, but I didn't really do it the right way; my stance was too wide, and I wasn't lengthening from the right places.

But on Friday, I did it. I was really close on the first time through the pose. Since every pose is done twice, I thought I might be able to do it the second time around, and I was right. The stars aligned, and for a brief moment right before the pose ended, my forehead touched the towel.

The rest of the class felt like floating. I didn't mind any of the other poses I usually hate. I didn't want to run screaming out of the heat into the cool reception room. And while I don't know that I could do it every time, that time, I succeeded in a small thing. A small thing that really means nothing in the large context of my life, but it made me happy.

I've been thinking about my post about the envy I felt this spring during my first time back to Bikram. It was so unfair of me to be so envious. I made a realization of sorts during class on Friday. There was a group of girls who were having their first class. I watched them here and there and listened to the instructor help them with the poses. I wasn't really comparing myself to them (although I felt bad for one girl, who had worn some mascara and eyeliner and it ended up melting all over; nothing is safe from the sweat during hot yoga), but I recognized their inexperience and wondered how they would react to the class.

After the class, they were all in the locker room while I was getting dressed. They were talking and laughing about the class, enjoying the bewilderment of doing something new. And then they started talking about running, and how they were going to run 13 miles the next day for their long run (they were training for the Arizona Marathon in February.) Envy set in. Envy I haven't felt before in that studio, but that I brought to myself when I realized that even though it was their first class in Bikram, and that they probably didn't love it, they would be running a lot farther than I am running these days, and I imagined that they were all a lot faster than me, and I instantly felt crappy about myself. Despite my happy moment of touching my forehead to the towel. I started comparing myself to them, and it took my happy place away.

Why do I do that to myself?

I realize set myself up to want things and abilities that I haven't earned. I want to be the best writer, the best blogger, the best runner, the best yogi, the best photographer, the best reader, the best mom, the best cook, the best everything. Not because I want to be better than others, but I just don't want to be less than them. Is that the same thing? I don't know. I think that being competitive is part of my nature, but that it doesn't really serve me well. It sets me up for feeling things like envy that isn't really fair to either me or the other person.

So how am I to be grateful in this? I guess I want to stop putting myself down. I want to stop setting myself up to be the person that I pity. I want just be glad I touched the towel and not berate myself for not being able to run 13 miles the next day. I want to be grateful for what I can do, even if it isn't the best. Even if it's just one pose, for one day.  I want to stop doing the mental and emotional mathematics of who is better or worse or equal to me.

Knowing that I can try to learn to be that person, gives me something to be grateful for.

Favorite yoga pose: Half Moon.

Today, I'm copying my friend Rebecca over at An Optimistic Explorer. She has done a series of her favorite workouts and exercises on her blog that I have inspired me. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, right?

Back in March when I went to back to Bikram yoga, I was really worried about my back. I knew I would be able to do the forward bends (but they sort of freaked me out also; I dread coming out of them and feeling any twinge of pain down my leg!), but I worried about the backward ones. To my surprise, I came out of class with my back feeling stronger and more functional than it had in a long time.

Not wanting the effects to wear off, I started doing a few of the movements at home. The pose that I guessed had helped the most is Half Moon Pose. When I went back a few weeks ago, the instructor gave a very important command: always start this pose with your feet and legs together tightly, and with the weight in your heels. This will position your spine so that when you bend to either side, you are going over in a straight line, and not leaning to the front or back. I did this pose incorrectly for two weeks - it was amazing the difference I felt when I started from this position.

Don't die over how cute my outfit is...

In half moon pose, you stretch up tall with your arms over your head, your hands clasped with your index fingers pointing to the ceiling. Then, stretching up and out of your hips, slowly compress your right side while stretching your left. Try and keep your arms over your head and your face exactly between your arms. Slowly reach to the side, keeping your legs tightly together and remembering to push your hips forward to keep the front and back sides of your body upright. A good visual is to imagine that you are standing inside of your walls, with sheetrock in front of you and in back of you, so that you are only moving side to side, not forward and sideways. Hold for 10-20 seconds, allowing yourself to get used to the position.

Slowly raise yourself up to standing. Repeat on on the left side - your right side will now be stretching long and your left side is compressing. Hold 10-20 seconds and come back to standing.

Next you are going to reach behind you. I find that with the first back bend, I can stretch farther and my back is happier if I support my lower back with my hands as I bend backward. I'm not sure what a Bikram Yoga instructor would say about this, but I do it anyway. I start by allowing my head to fall back, then slowly bend backward as I look at the wall (or couch/child/window/whatever) behind me. It is very hard to breath in this position, but try and keep breathing. Hold for 10-20 seconds then slowly roll up to standing.

I support my back on the first time around.

The second time around, your arms will be above your head. Violent shaking is very common in this position!

The last position is actually a yoga pose in itself, but it is always done in the half moon sequence. It is called Hands to Feet. But first, roll down slowly until your hands touch the floor in front of you.  Do a few deep squats here to open up your back and your hamstrings. Keep your feet and knees together. I also like to hang my head down and feel the stretch down the back of my neck.

When you are ready, put your butt up in the air with your legs bent deeply. Grasp the backs of your heels with palms - your fingers should be underneath your feet. Rest your belly on your thighs and press your face to your knees. Now start to straighten your knees until you feel a stretch down the back of your legs. Bring your elbows as close together as you can and pull up on your heels - the tension in your arms will help keep you from tipping over. Keep your eyes open as you look very closely at your shaved - or, if you  are like me, unshaved - shins. Don't worry if your legs are not straight (I have yet to get mine straight) - you just want to feel the stretch down the backs of your legs and in your lower back. Remember that Bikram is typically done in a room that is 105 degrees - the heat allows your to stretch farther, so don't push yourself too much without the benefit of the heat.

Hold for 10-20 seconds. Let go of your heels, clasp your hands together with your index fingers pointed up, and slowly roll back to standing. Finish your pose by lowering your arms back to your sides. Take a few deep breaths.

My pajama pans don't allow you to see how much my legs are bending in this pose.

Repeat all four sides. I typically don't hold each pose as long the second time around. I also notice that I can usually stretch a little farther for the second set - my back has done all its popping and adjusting to the movement and so it feels really yummy to do it again.

I was reading on the Bikram website about the back bends that are used in Bikram Yoga, and something struck me as good sense. As humans, we are always bending forward - seriously, think about how many times a day you bend at the waist. Our vertebrae get more than enough work moving forward. To keep a healthy and happy spine, we need to move our backs in all four directions so that we don't only use our back to bend forward.

I can feel a difference in the month or so since I've been practicing half moon. I love to do it when I am warm and loose after a run. I feel like my core is a lot stronger, and typically, my back will feel mostly happy for a few days after I do this pose.

I hope you enjoy this! Let me know if you try it. Be patient and listen to your body to avoid injury.