Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Confessions

I’ve always known that I don’t fit into the little box that other Mormons I know seem to occupy so nicely. In fact, I once ended a relief society lesson that I was teaching by announcing to the ladies that I was a Jack Mormon. It made me want to create the following list, and so here goes.

The Grand List of Reasons that that I am, and have always been, a Bad Mormon:

  1. I’ve never nor has my family ever had a subscription to The Church News. Nor did I know it came out every week in your Deseret News newspaper until years after I was married.
  2. Around my house, we read the Salt Lake Tribune. Boo! Hiss!
  3. I never get any of the good “85% off with an additional 15%” deals on clothes, food, and the like that my neighbors get. I tend to pay *gasp!* full price, or, when I’m lucky, 50% off.
  4. I understand the little-known concept that wickedness might never have been happiness, but man, it was fun. They didn’t really teach that principle in seminary.
  5. I never once set foot in Young Women during the two years I should have been a Laurel, despite the fact I was the Mia Maid class president. How does that happen?
  6. I quit seminary in my junior year of high school. The replacement class I found? Algebra I, even though I was also taking trigonometry. Man, my fellow algebra I students thought had skillz.
  7. Sometimes on Easter while growing up, we went to the Sand Dunes instead of church. And if Christmas fell on a Sunday, I can almost guarantee we wouldn’t have been there.
  8. I regularly have to wonder if someone from my ward will see me purchasing something that goes against the word of wisdom. Even if it isn’t mine, they still see it in my cart!
  9. I’ve never had a coupon at the grocery store that made any of the items in my cart free. And I’m too lazy to go through the effort of figuring out how to get my hands on such coupons.
  10. My bookshelves are full of books written by gentiles who I regularly rave about. I think the only LDS author by whom I own a book is Stephanie Meyer. I guess you could count my scriptures, but I’m not sure if God is a Latter-day Saint or not.
  11. I used to order real margaritas at restaurants when we would go out with a friend and his under-21 girlfriend. She would order the virgin margarita and then we would swap. I didn’t really feel that I was contributing to the delinquency of a minor, either.
  12. Speaking of Stephanie Meyer, I don’t own the entire Twilight collection. I do have the 1st and 4th books. And I didn’t see Twilight until 2 weeks ago. Now I know for sure that I’m not living up to my full potential.
  13. I can’t name all the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (either current or the original, thank you very much). But I can recognize most of their names, I think.
  14. I didn’t see the sustaining part of general conference until I had two children, and even then I had to make a special effort to see it. I don’t think I even knew they did it during conference until after I was married. Saturday afternoon conference was for shopping, I thought.
  15. And finally, I’ve never, ever once made green (or any other color) jell-o as a side dish. I haven’t even considered it.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but you get the picture.

So in what ways are YOU a Jack Mormon, or Jack Catholic, or Jack anything? Something you want to confess?

9 comments:

Ginger said...

You should try the coupon thing. It's awesome! I'll help you out with it. It seriously gets me on a high.

Jeff and Kayci Bitton said...

I agree coupons are wonderful! I can't name the 12 current or original either, and if you'll remember my childhood: we went boating almost every Sunday during the summer. You shouldn't call yourself a Jack. I think you are wonderful!

Amy Sorensen said...

Hey. I'd forgotten about the Easter trips to the Sand Dunes! And I thought that Sundays were for shopping!!! ;)

Lucy said...

I never use coupons. I almost exclusively avoid LDS literature. I agree that wickedness can be a lot of fun and I don't have a subscription to the Church News either (my parents did, though, and those things just never stop coming).

Here's the thing, though, and I know you know this. Those aren't really the things that matter when it comes to the gospel. What matters is knowing and becoming like Christ - and I have a hunch he doesn't spend too much time clipping coupons or eating jello-o and I'm going to say with 100% certainty that he doesn't the Twilight series either. So...you're all good:)

Jeanette said...

Hmmmm I don't think it would let me write a list that long in the comment field *Wink*

We'll just say "I have a potty mouth" and haven't been to church in about a year and leave it at that.

Apryl said...

This post is awesome. Confession # 10 reminds me of that joke about not disturbing the mormons in heaven cause "They think they're the only ones here". Ha ha ha. (Aren't we a Great People? I mean, we are, just very silly & self absorbed too.)
And what? You only have the 1st & 4th Twilight books? (How random that those are the two I own too!)

Anonymous said...

I'm with Lucy on this one. What matters is what is in your heart, the way you treat your husband and children, and your own relationship with the Savior.

You amaze me with your deep love and respect for your boys and hubby. The stories you share on your blog would be the most perfect relief society lesson...the theme would be, "Love and serve your family with all your heart." You are a perfect example of exactly that. The only difference between you and probably 98% of the ladies in relief society is that you've actually shared things you've done/felt in the past that weren't "perfect" mormon standard. $50 bucks says they all have story after story like that, most just keep it to themselves so they look "perfect" to everyone else. We all have things we've done, been through and are going through to get us to where we are and who we are now. All that matters is what's in your heart.

And finally, don't be so hard on yourself. You got the man you love and wanted. If you were living un-jack-mormon, at the time, you wouldn't have him. Now think how awful that would be. Just feel happy with your choices and the life you are leading right now. That's all. You are just fine. And green jell-o is gross.

Anonymous said...

Dear Becky,
I have some points of my own to make:
1. Ohhh I fondly remember fun!
2. I know for sure I never attended Laurels and I might have been to Mia Maids but can't really recall for sure-see #1
3. I took seminary only my sophmore year and only so I had a class to sluff.
4. Ohhh I miss margaritas or better yet shots of tequila- see #1
5. The sustaining part of conference is always on Saturday? Who knew?
Love 'Zet

Amy Sorensen said...

OK, I'm just posting again because Suzette's comment made me giggle. (Well, and wonder why YOU'RE the only sister whose blog she comments on??? j/k. Sorta.)

And I've been thinking ever since reading this that as much as I try, part of me might always feel like living the gospel is a jacket I have pulled over myself, not my actual skin.

And...you know how I feel about LDS "lit"!