About the alien who has taken over my son...

Other possible titles for this post:

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"Wash your face!"

"Did you remember to put on deodorant?"

"Are you ready for bed yet?

"Will you stop looking at (insert screen here) and please (insert task here).

My son has always been easily distracted. And willing to let others do things for him. But holy cow, lately? He's been taken over by an alien. An alien who has erased all memories of being able to take care of himself in the most basic ways. Add braces to the equation and his tendency for (dare I say laziness?) has spiraled out of control.

I am constantly harping on him for everything. Everything! And it makes me feel like the crappiest, most impatient parent ever, but I can't stop correcting him, getting irritated at his selfishness and inability to do anything for himself or anyone else which requires effort. Or time. Or mental strain. It's making me crazy.

Take last night. We'd had a great night, watched Neverending Story on Amazon together, went out to dinner, had dessert. The TV was on and the kids still had time before bedtime (which, on Saturday night, isn't super taxing anyway.) There was a big basket of laundry and so Shane and I were folding it. In an attempt to not sound like I was harping (as I had all. day. long.) I said to my 12-year old "Wow, people are folding laundry! Wouldn't it be cool if other people chipped in to help without being asked?" He completely ignored me. So I said it again in a similar fashion as he's walking past me to the kitchen to get something to eat. In fact, he trips right over my hand as he steps over me and the laundry on his way. Still nothing. I fume. I mentally scream at him. I shoot a few dirty looks across to him in the kitchen. Then, as I walk over to put away the kitchen towels, he looks at me. "What?" All innocent comes out of his mouth.

"Oh, nothing. Just dissapointed. You know fully well 'what'."

Seriously, internet, I am going crazy. Was he always this hard? I don't remember harping on him over everything all summer long. I mean, I'm not always 100% excited about what he does or how he spends his time, but I don't remember being mad at him constantly the way I am now. Maybe my expectations have changed. Something about him turning 12 has made me think/hope/expect that he's, you know, TWELVE, and able to do things like fold a blanket or use the can opener or fold some laundry without too much strain on my part.

Is this what I am in for? Is it some strange reaction to the stress of junior high that has changed his personality? Have my expectations of him changed too drastically for him to respond appropriately? Is it too much to ask of someone this age to know how to get ready for bed and be able to perform it without me hovering over every step? Is he just a teenager? Do I just have to wait for his personality to come back when he turns, oh, 27 or something?

I want my kid back. I want to stop being THIS mom. I'm tired of the conflict and the drama and the constant nagging. Please don't tell me "welcome to the teenage years." I can't hear that because it means that the alien who has taken over is here to stay and I really want to love that person who can (at times and fleeting moments, like today when I saw him in a borrowed tie, anxiously waiting for the bishop to be served the sacrament before he went about his duties as a deacon) be really fun and amazing. I want more of that kid, and less of the alien.

Ben's Baptism

On Saturday, Ben was baptized.

That sentence is loaded. It means so many things depending on the angle that I look at it.

On one hand, I did it. I had two kids. Both chose to be baptized at 8. I worried about both of those days for years and years before hand. It is a relief to me. Our family isn't typical (are there really any typical families?) It has never been an assumption for me that my children would be baptized. A fervent hope. I've tried to set a good example and teach them the why's and the what's of the gospel. But 8 is really young. I am very grateful.

On another hand, it's bittersweet. I have two kids and both are older than 8. There aren't anymore children behind them. Age 8 isn't a "young" child. And while I can go to the gym without getting a babysitter or run to the store without kids, it is strange to know that my kids are this big.

But, hands and bittersweetness aside, Saturday was a good day. My nephew Clint baptized and confirmed Ben and did a great job. We had support from friends, family, ward members, and neighbors. The night before I panicked because I hadn't invited a man from our old ward. He was our home teacher for almost 10 years. He stood in the circle for both of my kid's blessings and for Thomas's confirmation. Shane and he were good friends - in fact I joke that Arkin has probably done more for Shane's eternal salvation than anyone else on earth. So I was sad I hadn't invited him. It was a tender mercy when I rounded the corner at the stake center and saw him there, helping to direct the flow of families as they journeyed from baptism to confirmation. I was glad I could ask him to stand in the circle as Ben was confirmed as well. I know it's cheesy, but God really is in the details of our life.I asked Kendell, my brother-in-law, to witness and also stand in the confirmation circle. I found myself down a witness so our current home teacher was able to stand in as well. I feel lucky that I have many people around me who can help. I missed my two nephews Jeff and James who weren't there. And of course, my dad. But he was there, I'm sure of it.

After the baptism, everyone came over for brunch. Despite my unintentionally crunchy breakfast casserolls, all of the food was wonderful. We had fruit and cookies and my mom's pull-a-part rolls and Amy's chocolate cake and juice and strawberries. The kids played Xbox and hotwheels and legos. My little great-nieces posed for me, using the bottom shelf of the bookcase as a bench. I sat on the couch with my sister Suzette and my nieces and my mom chatting. I loved seeing everyone enjoying themselves at my house.

I am so blessed. I feel so lucky to have so many people around me who support my family. It was a good day.

Now, some pictures. Forgive me - many of the group shots caught people mid- bite. It just means the food was goo--ood. 

 My cute family.

 Ben and Clint.

 My sisters and my mom. Love!

 Kaleb and Ben. We've been taking pictures like these since they were born.

 Me and Shelly. I wish she still lived by me!

 Ben and his cousins.

 Me and Vonnay.

 Shane and his mom.

 Shane's favorite ladies.

 Look at these cuties!

 Josie and Oakley.

Luke and Oakley.

Parenting Disconnect

"Mom, when you picked us up from school, you seemed like you were happy. And now you seem like you are mad."

It's true. All of it. When I got home from work and found my kids hadn't beat me home, I figured I'd drive to find and pick them up. That's nice, right? When I found them on a different street than I expected, playing with 2 other boys, some rocks, pennies, and a sling shot, I kept my cool. I even drove around the circle of houses so they could shoot the sling shot one more time. Then I let them shoot it one more time. Again. And then I fielded the questions of whether we could play (no: karate in 45 minutes, scouts an hour and 45 minutes after that, and homework to do.) I was going with it. Coaxed them into the car, tried to talk about their day, trying to be the Happy Mom all the way.

But then: I mentioned the 10 minutes more of reading that they had to do, and Ben flipped out. He doesn't want to read, nor does he want to write a note to his teacher to explain why he didn't read. So I lose my temper with him. And then Thomas informs me that he has 2 math pages to finish, from which he keeps asking me questions: what's 72 times 4? Does this 2 need to have 2 decimal points after it? Can I only do 4 more of the 5 questions I have left before karate and then do the rest of them after karate along with my reading? Oh, and will you make me some toast? Can I have some milk with that? Where is my karate belt?

So, yeah, it all equates to a pissed off mom. The minute I decide to be the nice parent, to keep my temper for the whole 45 minutes we have together, I lose it in the next minute. Then I feel bad when my kid asks me why, when I appeared to be nice at first, I'm back to being the grumpy, mean mom that everyone avoids looking at in the grocery store. And I feel guilty that I'm that mom, not the one who answers the children's homework questions nicely and makes their toast happily and handles their tantrums with grace rather than the urge to slap and scream and rage. I think of the recently-popular facebook status says something to the effect of building a child up now is cheaper than therapy later. At this rate, someone's going to be paying a fortune.

It all combines to make me wonder who they think I am, and how it really corresponds with who I think I am.

February love 17

I've somehow obtained a 10-year-old. I mean, he's always been here, as he is my firstborn, but he's all of a sudden big and, well, not little. I remember wanting a baby, not a boy scout. Where have the past 10 years gone?

All kidding aside, I can't believe how big Thomas is getting. I went to pick him up the other day from his karate sparring class. I kept mistaking him for another kid, because that kid matched the height that I imaged Thomas to be. The real Thomas, the one that was actually mine, was tall and looked like a big kid. It kind of punched me in the gut that he isn't the 2nd or 3rd grader that I imagine him to be.

I love it though. One of my favorite things is mentioning something to him - like the candidates running for the republican party nomination - and I'm not really teaching him anything. He rattled off a few of them, "oh, yeah, there is a kind of youngish one, isn't there? And then another guy, and one with white hair?" How does he know this stuff? I find him teaching me things about circuits - which he built in both scouts and school in the same week - and the civil war and current events that I never imagined would be on his radar. He even had his maturation program at school a few weeks ago (it kind of freaked me out the stuff that they talked about, that he definitely knows now about sex and the possibility that his parents have done it. He even said to Shane that night: "Wow, you two must have had to be really careful and stuff when you were trying to have Ben." I laughed because I thought that maybe he thought we had never done it again after Ben - but Shane assured me he knows that we do. I don't know which is worse.) (Ick. Sorry to state to the world these bare facts - mom, my dear sweet mother-in-law, nieces - you can skip the last paragraph, mmmkay?)

I love talking about books with him. I love watching him zip through a book in a few days. I like him knowing things and having opinions. I like teaching him stuff about life and church and science and current events and even sex. The moments like we had a few weeks ago when Ben was making an obnoxious noise on the floor and Thomas said to me, "Did I ever do that" and when I assured him he had, and does, he said, "Wow, I'm sorry!" and laughed. How awesome is that! To see him growing up is such a wonderful thing. Sure I sometimes wish I could have him revert to a little baby just for a few hours - I'd love to hold that sweet weight in my arms again, to play with his baby-soft sideburns and smell that baby scent of him - but it isn't going to happen, and that's okay. We have so much future ahead of us to learn about each other and life and us as a family - how awesome. I love it and I love him and am so glad he picked me to be his mom.

Thought for the day

I am reading East of Eden.  The very copy I had my dad sign for me back in 2006.  I knew I loved this book, and I remember some of it, but I'd forgotten exactly how much I love it.

I'm only up to page 26, but I've come across a passage that I just can't stop thinking about.  Adam Trask and his dad Cyrus are talking.  It goes like this: 

"As they walked back toward the house Cyrus turned left and entered the woodlot among the trees, and it was dusk.  Suddenly Adam said, "You see that stump there, sir? I used to hide between the roots on the far side.  After you punished me I used to hide there, and sometimes I went there just because I felt bad."

"Let's go and see the place," his father said.  Adam led him to it, and Cyrus looked down at the nestlike hole between the roots. "I knew about it long ago...Once when you were gone a long time I thought you must have such a place, and I found it because I felt the kind of a place you would need.  See how the earth is tramped and the little grass is torn?  And while you sat in there you stripped little pieces of bark to shreds.  I knew it was the place when I came upon it."

Adam was staring at his father in wonder.  "You never came here looking for me," he said.

"No," Cyrus replied.  "I wouldn't do that.  You can drive a human too far.  I wouldn't do that. Always you must leave a man one escape before death. Remember that! I knew, I guess, how hard I was pressing you. I didn't want to push you over the edge."

It hit me in a place I didn't know I had.  When my kids are driving me nuts, when I'm trying to teach them something they don't want to learn, do I give them their escape route?  Even more, do I know the place they go to to retreat to, and do I allow them to go there?  Or do I follow them to that place, bullying them and attempting to push them over the edge?

I don't know the answer. But it gives me reason to pause and think.  What does this passage mean to you?  Do you see it from Cyrus' point of view, or Adam's?

I'll be getting my mouse ears soon.

During those "inspirational" meeting that some companies give, you often hear about Disney.  When Disney hires an employee and sends them out to work, that employee is "on stage."  They are expected to BE whatever job they have been hired to do, be it Mickey Mouse or Cinderella or the guy that loads you on to the Tea Cup Ride. (Hopefully there still is a Tea Cup Ride. I haven't been to Disneyland in 20 years - I was on tour with my dance group, and was one of the oldest people in the group. I don't really mind...Disneyland at 15 with a bunch of elementary school kids is just embarrassing, and now that is all I remember.)  So when Disney cast members are on-stage and are expected to treat themselves and those they encounter during their day appropriately.

Now fast forward to my life as a mom.  Last Monday was a Day. I realized that I have no coping skillz with my kids. They decide what happens at bedtime. They decide what happens at church. If they behave, I feel like it is because I'm just plain lucky. I'm yelling all the time and giving them threats that they know I will never follow through with.  In short, they have my number.

It is extremely frustrating to get to 35 and realize that you aren't any better at dealing with sub-10-year-olds than you were as a teenager.  Where did I go wrong?  I remember a time when I didn't yell all the time, but I only had one kid.  Easy peasy, right?

Monday night I remembered I had heard of a class that was being offered at our elementary school that used the words Love and Logic.  Now, I took enough psych and child development classes in college to be skeptical with new fandangled child psychology fads.  I don't like being told how to parent and I don't want to become a parrot for someone else's methods.  But I also realize that I need some help because my own resources are not working. My kids don't listen to me and I don't feel like an effective mother most of the time. And that sucks, because feeling like a bad mom creeps into most of the aspects of my life, including my self-worth.

On Tuesday, I decided I would take the class offered at my school.  I figured that 12 hours for $10 over six weeks isn't bad.  Even if I don't embrace everything that they teach, I have to glean some sort of alternative way of dealing with my kids other than yelling all the time.

I was pretty impressed.  The teacher was very experienced and seemed to know a lot about child rearing in the real world (because books and theories and stories are fun and all in a classroom, but if it doesn't keep me from wanting to pound my head in frustration while driving in the car with bratty kids, what good is it??)  Earlier that day, I had picked up some of the Love and Logic materials from the library (oh county library system, I love you so!!) One of the books is on CD so I loaded it on my iPod and have been listening to it this weekend. I skimmed through some of the chapters of the book I got.  It was a lot of the same material, but interesting all the same.  

We have had some great days since. I've been giving my kids choices and they are responding to my "logical" solutions much better than my yelling.  Thursday night, Thomas and I had a great discussion about the day that warmed my mother's heart right up to the top. I know that yelling doesn't work, and it doesn't make me feel better. But I'm so used to it, it's hard to break the habit.

Which brings me to my original point about Disney.  Despite all the avoided fights and conflict-free cleaning we experienced on Friday (it was heavenly, I tell you!), I feel like I'm acting.  I feel like this giant dork when I say "That's so sad" to Ben when he complains about something he didn't like. But I also am not constantly battling him either.  For some unknown reason when I respond with "That's so sad! Now go do XX" he does it. He doesn't retaliate. He realizes that he doesn't have my number so he loses all the fight that is normally in his little body. Wow.  But I'm acting and on stage and doesn't feel natural.  Tonight I just kind of shut down.  I had kept it up all weekend, but I couldn't do it tonight.  I won't say I fell back to my old ways, but I couldn't think of a logical consequence to give them for not showering.  I couldn't come up with a choice to give Ben to motivate him to want to get ready for bed.  My acting skillz ran out and I was done.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel.  I don't know that any one theory of childhood development or child-raising is foolproof.  But I'm learning and my kids are responding.  That has to be worth something, right?  I also don't want to walk around with my head in a book, waiting for it to tell me how to get my kids to stop fighting.  It's a hard balance.

Do you think you can learn to parent from a book?  Hopefully I can learn something that will last with me.

10 for 2010

I still feel like I haven't put 2010 down in the books.  So I want to do a 10 list.  Boring, I know. But I have to have somewhere to remember all this stuff!!


10 events this Christmas that were either truly awesome or just awesome because I was so lame:

1. I forgot 3 presents until late on Christmas day.  As in, we were done watching the kids open presents and Shane looked at me and said, Didn't we get Ben a pillow pet?  Oh, yeah.  I pulled it nonchalantly out of its hiding place and stuck it behind a chair and then said, Ben, what's that??  It didn't fool them. I admitted that I had forgotten to wrap it. 
2. Then on Christmas night, I remembered the books I had bought them.  I just handed those over, too. Sigh.  Awesome, right?
3. I wanted a Nike+ watch and got one.  But then it got taken back when I realized I could use my iPod with my Nike+ sensor.  Now I just want to run a lot so that I can see my running on the Nike+ website.  Why running seems more official on a website, I don't know. But it does.
4. Shane got me a running jacket that I have worn 24/7 ever since. It has really long sleeves and holes for your thumbs to go through so you don't have to run with mittens. I wonder if people just think we had to buy the jacket with holes in it. But I don't care. It rocks.
5. Shane got a nice socket set and some drill bits.  And this is what he wanted from me.  Okay then. Boys like strange things.
6. Thomas has talked about a PokeyWalker for his Pokemon obsession for months.  He got one of those.  It has a pedometer and he likes to wear it to count his steps.  I still don't understand boy toys after 9 years.  Maybe one day I will.  Thank heaven Shane does.
7. My sweet niece announced she is pregnant with a baby girl due in April. I started to cry.  She has two boys.  Yeah.  I am very happy for her.  This means that I will have great-nieces or nephews born in April, May and June of 2011.  I better get sewing....
8. I brought home some divinity and some fudge from my moms. I'm still nibbling on the fudge.
9. It was awesome to spend our first Christmas in our new house.
10. Mm, I made breakfast casserole AND pull-a-parts.  Yum.  Really, the food was the most awesome part of Christmas.

9 things I wish I would have blogged about:

1. The awesome (if I do say so myself) wedding gift (above) I made for my bestest friend Rebecca.
2. Our San Diego trip.  We had such a good time and it totally got eclipsed by our car getting totalled the day after we got home.
3. How happy the new friend I made in my ward has made me.  We have kind of danced around each other for months, both being too shy to really make a connection, but a few weeks ago she invited me to do some service with her.  I went and we had a great time together.  Yay for tender mercies.
4. That we have only had to shovel twice this year due to our awesome retired neighbors. We come home from work and they have already snow blowed our driveway.  I was sad to leave our old house, but we really do have some nice people on our new street.
5. How I am a lot more comfortable in my house now that it's winter. During the summer, we kind of just slept here, since most of our time was spent doing our yard and other outdoor stuff.  I didn't feel really at home here until it got to be cold and we have spent so much time together in it.  I love having the family room right off the kitchen; being able to see everyone while I was cooking stuff for Thanksgiving and Christmas was a fun experience. And I love cutting fabric for projects on the island in the kitchen. It is the perfect height for a rotary cutter and mat.  I'm sure that is what they were thinking it would be used for when they built it.
6. How much I love my new-to-me sewing table Shane made for me.  I still am a novice sewer, but not having to sew over the hump has improved things vastly.
7. That I should really give up Dr. Pepper again but don't know if I have the emotional reserve to do it.  Why should something like that take such resolve? It's dumb, really.
8. I feel really, really lucky to have the job that I have. They are so good to me and it's such a great place to work.  I have worked there for 11 1/2 years, and I can't imagine ever leaving.  I know I was being watched over when they employed me.  And I appreciate what working does for me emotionally.  I can get in such a rut when I stay home because I am not used to it.  Being able to get out a few days of the week and feel appreciated does a lot for me in all aspects of my life. 
9. And conversely, how glad I am that I get to be home with my kids a few days of the week. I like being home when they get home and getting them started on their homework.  To quote Miley: The best of both worlds...

8 Meals that got us through 2010:

1. Taco Tuesday.
2. Vegetable wraps.  I started buying frozen breaded chicken breasts and adding to these. This was a great dinner until I tried to branch out on wing sauces for the chicken. Two bottles of wing sauce in a row were absolutely horrific to taste. I can still have nightmares about one of them.  If you aren't sure if it's good or not, don't make it part of dinner.
3. Breakfast casserole.  I first made this for Thomas' baptism.  I love having breakfast for dinner.
4. Red burritos.  Amy shared this with me years ago.  I love to make them to take when I get asked to make a meal for someone in the ward.  They can feed 4 or 14 with very little effort.  I add a pouch of Uncle Ben's Spanish Rice to mine.  Mmm.
5. Spaghetti.  My kids hate spaghetti noodles, so I make it with garden rotini noodles.  Mm.
6. Pizza.  Shane makes a mean pizza.  We like pepperoni, olives and pineapple.
7. Eggles.  This is something Shane invented.  Toast a bagel.  Top one side with provolone cheese and add a fried egg.  Oh, it's so good I could eat them every day.
8. Pasta salad and hamburgers.  We ate this dinner for most Sunday nights until it got cold.  I make a pasta salad with a sun-dried tomato dressing that is really good (if I do say so myself.)

7 babies I made blankets for:

1. Zach (born in 2009, but I didn't finish the blanket until 2010!)
2. Kaysen
3. Lucy
4. Mia
5. Elsie
6. Baby Johnson
7. Baby Figlioli (these last two were from my new ward and I can't remember the names of the babies! Ach, I am getting old.)

6 shows we watched a lot:

1. Mad Men.  We went through all three seasons this year.  I feel it is a guilty pleasure, because it isn't a very...upstanding show.  But the story line is amazingly good and the actors are so believable.  I'm hooked.
2. Phineas and Ferb.  Can I admit that I love these cartoon characters?  They are so good natured and don't have evil laughs like the characters on Cartoon Network. Does anyone else hate CN?
3. The finale of Lost.  Sorry, Britt: I loved it.  It was perfect, in my opinion.  There was such an elegance to the end.  The show was always so open to interpretation that I liked seeing what they would have done had they made it to LAX after all.
4. 30 Rock.  That Tina Fey is so smart.  Naughty, but very smart and hilarious.
5. Glee.  I have gotten addicted lately. 
6. The Office.  We have loved this one for a while now.

5 things I want to do better in 2011:

1. Do things for my kids the first time.  I put them off and then expect them to do what I ask the first time I ask it.  It smacks of hypocrisy and I want to weed it out.  This will be hard for me!!!  I also need to be more patient.  I respond too often with impatience.
2. Teach my kids about service.  The other day, we went around helping some neighbors clear driveways of snow.  Thomas came out with me and kept saying, this is awesome, helping people.  I realized I have done little to inspire service in my children.
3. Get back to running regularly.  Do some weight training or something to work away all this jiggle.
4. Make little steps around the house to make things go smoother.  I have been reading the FlyLady emails, and while I don't think I can do all of them (getting dressed right off the bat is just not going to happen!!) I like the idea of a lot of them.
5. Try to do things to make other's lives better and brighten their life.  Receiving notes in the mail always makes me happy so I'd like to do that for others more.

4 best days of 2010:

1. June 18-19.  Ragnar.  I know I have talked a lot about this, but I just had such a good time with it.  I am the team captain for our 2011 team, gulp.  I hope it goes okay.
2. September 27, when we pulled back into San Diego.  I loved returning to our beach vacation. And being able to share it with my niece, nephew, and great-nieces was just perfect.
3. July 10, when we put down our sod.  It was awesome to finally have a yard again!!
4. November 1, when we finally had real insurance (with dental!!) for the first time in 5 years. Sigh of relief.  So glad we have it.

3 songs I listened to a lot:

1. Beyonce, All the Single Ladies.  Not a song I would normally love, but I do.
2. Prince, Little Red Corvette.  It's old as the hills, but will always remind me of 2010.
3. Neal Diamond, America. I added this to my iPod before Ragnar and will always remember listening to it on my first leg.

2 things I'm looking forward for in 2011:

1. That we have 9am church.  It sucks waking everyone up, but I love having it be done and over by lunchtime.
2. Watching my new bulbs come up this spring.  I planted crocus, daffodils, and tons of tulips last fall. I can't wait for them to emerge!! It was hard to leave my bulbs from my old house.

1 thing I want to do more of:

1. Enjoying my boys.  Not getting so annoyed at their boyishness. This is my last year of having 2 kids under 10 years old. Soon I will have a tween; soon both my kids will be in all day school; soon they will be bigger than I ever imagined them being.  I have to enjoy them now.

Believing...

The Christmas I was in 4th grade, my grandparents slept over at our house.  I think they might have been living with us, or maybe it was for convenience.  But that Christmas Eve, Amy and I slept downstairs on the floor in front of the fireplace.  I can remember laying on this super soft, comfy lambswool rug that inhabited the hearth.  It was very dark downstairs, and I had a hard time sleeping, so all night I dreamed of the magic of the next day.  Little forest creatures and presents wove in and out of my dreams all night (it sounds cheesy, but seriously: I dreamed of deer and bunnies. Really.)

I never heard a sound that night.  Our Christmas tree was right upstairs, and so my parents had to be doing their Christmas Eve thing, but I never heard them, despite my sleeplessness.  It added to the excitement.  I totally and truly believed in Santa at this point in my life.  There were no doubts to cloud the magic of Christmas the way there would be the next year.  And, even when I knew Santa didn't exist the next year, I waited one more before I told my mom.  I knew that the present count was higher for those who believed versus those who didn't.  (Yes, in case you kept track: I avoided telling my mom about not believing until I was in 7th grade.  Hey, I was the youngest. I could get away with it.)

So this year, my own son is in 4th grade.  He asks a lot of questions about Santa.  But I know there is a part of him who still believes in Santa.  Or is really willing to want to believe in Santa.  And that is just fine with me.  I will be so so sad when he no longer believes.  And when Ben, my youngest, doesn't believe anymore: it will be painful.  The knowledge from which there is no return will make all Christmasses from then on After.  And that is just so incredibly sad to me.

So I wish I could just stop time.  Keep my kids little.  I don't care if they are 15 and don't tell me that they no longer believe in Santa.  I don't want them to lose the sense of magic and wonder that Santa brings.  Sure, it can be viewed as materialistic (after all, that was why I waited to tell my own mother!) But I don't mind having them keep me in the dark as to their knowledge.  I want them to go to bed on Christmas Eve so excited that they have dreams about woodland creatures bringing them presents.

Do your kids still believe?  Are you happy to let them keep you in the dark?  Was it terrible, that first Christmas After, when everyone knew and everyone knew that they knew?