Filling in the spaces

A few months ago, I posted about my anxiety. And then I stopped blogging. Not that the two were related, but I just could never get myself to take the time to blog. 

I’m a natural born worrier. I have worried about uncontrollable situations for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t until this summer that I found that my tendency to imagine the worst was more than just an annoying habit. Anxiety has become an entity in my life that goes with me wherever I go. Even when I’m not thinking about it, it’s always right there in the back of my mind. I constantly monitor it, judging if it’s at an acceptable level or not. I find it exhausting.

I wish I could say that after getting on medication, it all went away. I can definitely say that medication helped. Holy cow, it helped and I will always be very grateful that I made the decision to seek help. The place where I was all through August and into September was terrible. By the time I finally stopped fighting the idea of medication, I was in a dark and terrifying place. I was scared to sleep. I was scared to be in confined spaces. I was scared of passing out at any given moment. I was terrified to drive, especially on the freeway. It was awful, awful, awful.

It took a while for everything to even out. I was very grateful that I had decided to run an October half marathon. Having to do long runs each week gave me something to think about and plan for – a much needed diversion. I could also remind myself on a weekly basis with my long run that if I could run 7, 8, 9, 10 miles without passing out, that I could do the same while driving in my car. It took a few weeks, but I eventually got to a place where anxiety was in the background of everything.

I’d like to insert this quote from a Nine Inch Nail’s song:

“Then a tiny little dot caught my eye. It was just about too small to see. But I watched it way too long. It was pulling me down….I was up above it. Now I’m down in it.”

Isn’t that how it is? A tiny little dot, watched for too long, that somehow becomes all you can see. To be honest, my mom’s sale of her home and move dominated my thoughts for much of December and January. I had hoped she would sell for over 10 years (I can remember the first thing I said to my mom and dad when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s was – are you going to sell the house?) I tried to prepare her, pack her, convince her to move for a very, very long time. When she got the offer in November it seemed like a godsend, but the timing was awful. In the mix of all the December activities, her move was a giant arrow on the calendar with a few bullseye rings around it. On Christmas, I looked around at her house and realized how much still needed to be done. Even 10 days before the move, the house wasn’t nearly ready to be moved out of. I tried to do things to alleviate what I felt was an inevitable train wreck, but I couldn’t manage it. It wasn’t my responsibility to carry out, and though I did what I could, it was hard for me to realize my place in it or allow my brain to stop worrying about it.

On Human Rights Day I decided to drive down to see my mom’s house one last time. I had tried to be ok with saying goodbye to it the previous Thursday, but then I realized that I really wanted to see it empty. I didn’t realize how emotionally fraught I was until I found myself in a full on panic attack on the freeway on the way down. I decided that freeway driving may not be the best idea, so I took the back roads the rest of the way and talked to Amy on the phone. I was so nervous to see the house. I was nervous that the new owners would be there and I wouldn’t get to be alone. I was anxious to get it over with and be back on my way home.

When I got there, I had a pretty good experience. I took a few pictures that I really wanted to get. I walked through every single room. I walked over to the neighbor’s house and hugged her, crying and telling her how grateful I was that she had helped my mom for so long. I looked at the house in different angles. It wasn’t just that it was empty. It just looked so…alone. Left behind.

After about half an hour, I set off home. Now, I’m usually a greedy girl and stop at the gas station on my way home (there is a lovely gas station there that has a drive through!) but I was trying to hurry so I just didn’t stop. I found that my earlier panic started right back up where it left off. About 20 minutes into the drive, I pulled off the freeway again and decided to give myself a break by getting a drink. It was then that I discovered to my everlasting horror that I had left my wallet back at my mom’s house. The thought of going back to get it nearly pushed me over the edge, but panic attack or not, I turned back around. It was sort of good – I ended up seeing my mom at the house for a minute, which was good. But it sucked adding an additional hour to my drive home. The lesson I learned from this was that I can drive through multiple panic attacks for hours on end and come out of it somewhat ok. I didn’t go crazy or crash my car or even do anything remotely close to those things. It’s the small victories, right?

The best part of the whole thing is that it’s finally done. My mom is moved. I feel like she was incredibly brave to have done it. It is such a relief to have her moved to a more manageable home that’s closer to me and my sisters.

The hard part has been telling my brain that it’s over. Over the many years of waiting, I’ve worn a very deep groove of worry about her and her home. Once it was over, I found that I didn’t know what to do in its absence. The after effects of the stress were almost as bad as the stress itself – maybe worse, because now it’s hard to figure out what to do about my anxiety over my anxiety. All of the feelings came rushing back that I had dealt with last summer.

I think I’m finally on the other side of it all. I’ve learned an important lesson about how I react to stress. The fact that my anxiety goes up after the stress has gone is crappy, but something I’m glad that I’ve figured out because it sort of helps explain my reaction last summer when it all began. I’m trying to not to be hard on myself at the fact that I relapsed. I’m so very glad that I’m better equipped to deal with it this time around. But the process of finding new ways to spend the mental energy I used to spend worrying about my mom’s house has been not very fun. I’d like to start filling in the spaces with more meaningful and positive thoughts instead of turning my mental energy to even more impossible-to-control things like global warming or gang violence or Donald Trump’s presidential run. I think I’m on the right track. 

We were 465 and 7586.

When we would check out books from the library as kids, there would be envelope at the back of the book with a card in it. To check out the book, the librarian would take out the card and write the last four of your phone number on the card. There were a lot of books that had 7586 on them.

About a year ago, my mom let our old phone number go. That was weird. I always liked the little pattern that 7586 made on the phone. When it was coupled with the prefix, all the numbers in the middle two rows of the phone were used. It was strange to know that I couldn't ever call that number and have the anyone in my family answer.

This weekend, my mom moved out of her house. 465 has gone the way of 7586. The numbers still exist, of course, but have no more relevance to our family.

My dad used the chassis from an old truck of some kind to make this mailbox post.

I went there for the last time on Thursday. I helped my mom in the kitchen mostly, packing the cleaning supplies from under the sink, sweeping now-empty pantry, and other odds and ends. In the early afternoon, we sat down and ate a Jimmy John's sandwich. I made sure to sit in my old place at the table so I could look out the window at the mountain with the face in it that only Amy and I could ever see. The church that was built in 1991 sort of ruined the view. And the trees that my dad planted that just kept growing and growing.

This is what it looked like to eat dinner from my chair. Back in the day, Michele and Suzette would have occupied these two chairs. My dad would have been to my left, my mom on my right, and Amy at the other end of the table to the right of my mom.

In fourth grade, I read "Anastasia Again!" by Lois Lowry. In it, Anastasia Krupnik moves from her apartment in Cambridge to the suburbs. On moving day, everyone is sad, but especially her little brother. He says his blankie is sad to leave the apartment. As a solution, Anastasia cuts the blankie in half and folds it small and leaves it in the corner of the hutch. I always remembered this scene when I move and have made a habit of leaving little "I was here" tokens. So after lunch I took a sharpie and went on a mission. I don't know if you are supposed to do this or not, but I wrote a message on the very top shelf of my old closet. "This was Amy and Becky's room. Then it was Becky's room." I then gave the sharpie to my mom to do the same. Standing on the stepstool so she could reach the very top of her closet, she wrote "I loved this house" and signed her name. I remembered the picture I took on Christmas of what I felt like was my dad's "I was here." How long will it take the new owners to find these leftover clues?

The tree grew around the saw my dad left in the tree many years ago. Just the tip of the blade is now visible.

Before I left, I walked through every single room and remembered and remembered. I lingered in my old bedroom longest, thinking of the nights Amy and I would talk when we were little, watching the lights from the cars make a familiar track across the ceiling. I thought about the mornings when I would lay in my bed after eating breakfast and look in my closet to decide what to wear. I realized how impossible it was to remember it all. I felt that strange juxtaposition of being in a place right at that moment and knowing that very soon the moment would end and I wouldn't ever stand there again but again, being right there.

So many emotions. Not all of them good. I wish some things could have gone better in this process, but it wasn't mine to control.

I doubt I will  ever stop having dreams about this place.

Goodbye, 465.

I'm not the only one, right? Right?

I've always liked the Seinfeld episode with George returning the book to the store and them refusing him returning it because they could determine that it had been read in the bathroom.

Man, I hope I still have friends and book-exchange buddies after writing this post.

I am guilty. I am George. I have always, my whole life, read in the bathroom.  It's just...sensible.  You have nothing to do. You are stuck for a few minutes alone.  Why not take a book?  I can remember locking myself in for hours when I was young.  And more recently, for years in my old house, it was a nightly ritual.  Shane would only ask that I leave a washrag out for him so he didn't have to subject himself to my sanctuary. 

But, since I moved, my, ahem, reading time is suffering.  The reason? I don't have a good bathroom to read in.  They are too small.  Or I'm missing something feng-shui-y. Or something. I haven't figured out exactly what is wrong with them, but they just aren't...comfortable.  I have yet to read even a chapter since I've moved.  It sucks. 

I miss my reading room.  I used to think that having a separate "room" for just the commode was a great idea.  But the reality is far from satisfying.  I wish I could go back and re-design at least one good bathroom in my house. Because I honestly miss whiling the time the way I used to.

So, are you a bathroom reader?  Are you all disgusted by me now?  Are you always going to think of George Costanza when you think of me?

10 for July

Oh, I've been looking forward to doing a ten list for this month. July was a fun month!!

10 things we did in July:

1. Finished our sprinklers.
2. Shoveled 14 yards of dirt.
3. Put down sod. Squee!

4. Planted flowers.  I have lupins, iris, day lilies, asiatic lilies, and a few more I can't remember the name of.
5. Planted 3 trees - 2 chanticlear pear in the front parking strip and a sycamore in the back. Swoon!
6. Went to the Nordstrom sale with my mom, sisters, and nieces.  You wouldn't think spending some time in a dressing room with family members would be good bonding time, but it really is.  Really.
7. Got a concrete pad poured on the side of our house.
8. Had fence posts installed - vinyl fence comes next week.

9. Spent Wednesday evening in the dark since the fence company shredded our power lines while setting our fence posts. I came home to absolutely no power and no one to tell me why (it seemed like too much of a coincidence that the day I get fence posts, my power goes out. I really do pay my bills!) After 2 hours of sitting around, the power company sent 3 giant trucks and men to match them to fix my power. It took them until 9:30 to get it turned back on.  I didn't realize it took multiple burly men to fix a house's power.  Good use of our tax dollars there.
10. Turned 35. Holy cow, I am old. I'm now one of those women ("Women over 35 should avoid taking...Women over 35 should have....you know the drill. Gulp. That is me.)

9 people who I spent time with:

1. 
   
   Amy.  My kind sister invited me and the boys to spend the day with her family at Lagoon.  It was a ball.  I took Thomas on every single ride he was tall  enough for - many against his better judgement.  It was the most fun we have had at Lagoon since having kids.  It was fun to be there with my sister, too...I have many fond memories of our times as kids at Lagoon. Aparently we rode the Colossus together the first year it opened.  Good memories and fun making new ones.

2. 
   
   My family on the 4th of July at my sister's house. We had a barbecue and swim and celebrated my mom's birthday.  It was fun to have a get together with everyone.
3. 
   
   My niece Kayci.  I only saw her for a few minutes one Friday when she came down to visit the weekend after the 4th, but it was so nice to see her and her sweet girls.
4. 
   
   Bloggers.  Yesterday Britt, Apryl, Amy, Jeanette and me got together for a lunch/play date. It was so fun. I am amazed at how close you can feel to people you've only seen a few times in real life.



Nicky, Britt, Jeanette, Me holding Daisy, Britt's baby, Amy, Apryl

5. 
   
   The friends and family who helped us with our yard.  The night we did our sod, people from our ward showed up without being asked.  Our good friends the Bells came and so did my in-laws.  It was so nice to have it done, and nice to see how much we are loved.
6. 
   
   My neighbors.  You all know I was very attached to my old street and the people who live on it. But we have moved onto a very nice street in the new house.  It is an interesting mix of people, and not all of us are in the same stage of life. It is a fun experience getting to know some new people who will likely be a part of our lives for a long time.  I feel so blessed to have lucked out twice.
7. 
   
   My mom. I saw my mom more this month than I have in forever.  We ate lunch together 2 weeks in a row, had a barbecue together, shopped at the Nordstrom sale together, discussed making mitred corner baby blankets together...fun stuff.  Thanks, Mom.



Cute blanket I made...first one doing mitred corners!

8. 
   
   Ben.  He had his kindergarten assessment on Thursday. How is this possible?  
9. 
   
   Thomas, who started fourth grade.  Where does the time go? 

8 ways my life starting to feel more normal...moving really threw me.

1. 
   
   Having a yard means that I can now say "Go outside and play, would you!" And having a door from the kitchen going into the backyard is heaven. No wonder I never spent much time in the backyard at my old house...we didn't have any access.
2. 
   
   I started reading again.  I have had a terrible reading year.  July finally broke my streak of bad library books and I have read good books all month.  Yay!
3. 
   
   Starting to sew again.  My awesome husband modified a sewing table I bought and so now I have a great place to sew.  I celebrated by finishing 2 of the 3 baby blankets I bought flannel for.  The one I showed above is for my old bishop's wife.  Isn't it cute?  I used 2 tutorials that I found online to make it.  (Tutorials are here and here.)
4. 
   
   Shane is washing cars in the driveway again....the Kumps have officially moved in.  Our old neighbors knew how dedicated Shane was to his four-wheeled friends, and now our new ones will soon know.
5. 
   
   Sitting out on the back porch at night, watching the kids play, chatting with neighbors. So nice!
6. 
   
   Working on my posture all. the. time.  Especially when running. I think that is what made me so upset about the bad Ragnar pictures. Running is my thing, and I feel good when I run and it made me feel embarrassed to think I look crappy while doing something I enjoy.  Does that make sense?
7. 
   
   Decorating. I hadn't put up anything on the walls because I wanted all the frames to match. I bought 2 cans of black spray paint and went to town painting everything.  It looks so nice to see all the pictures that have followed me around from appartment to house to this house.  Most of the paintings are prints that I bought in Washington DC or had friends bring me back from New York and Paris.  Love.
8. 
   
   Having time again.

7 things I'm looking forward to:

1. 
   
   Both kids being in school.  Sure, Ben is just in kindergarten, but how cool to have 2 morning to myself.  What to do, what to do!
2. 
   
   Going on vacation in the next few months. I think we will be gracing the hallowed halls of the Catamaran Hotel in San Diego again. Can't wait to run on the beach again!!
3. 
   
   The weather cooling off.
4. 
   
   Thomas turning 9.
5. 
   
   Having a fence again.  We have a trampoline now, and I worry that kids will get on it while we aren't home. And it's just nice to have a contained yard.
6. 
   
   Buying bulbs to plant in the fall.  I will die if I don't have spring bulbs to watch for.
7. 
   
   Fall running.

6 Books to read or have read:

1. 
   
   The girl who chased the moon.  This was so good. If you were ever an angry teenager you can relate to this book.  It's very light hearted and fun.
2. 
   
   Someone called Eva.  A childrens fiction book that I read at the recommendation of my friend.  It was really well done and child-appropriate.
3. 
   
   A Vintage Affair.  This was kind of chick-lit-y, but I read it in 2 days all the same.
4. 
   
   Little Bee.  Loved it.
5. 
   
   The Little Stranger.  Has anyone else read this?  I need to see if anyone else was as frusterated with it as I was.
6. 
   
   Possession.  I bought my own copy and am going to write in it.  Anyone want to exchange it with me and take a turn reading it when I'm done?

5 things about July:

1. 
   
   It makes me sad to see the days starting to get shorter.  It is getting dark by 8 or 8:30 which is a reminder of the dark cold winter nights ahead.
2. 
   
   I love looking forward to the Nordstrom sale.  It is such a fun time with my family.  It is my equivalent of school shopping and brings back so many good memories.
3. 
   
   My birthday.  I love my birthday.  Shane made me 2 cakes.  Shane's grandma and grandpa (on different sides) each sent me a card. It is a treasure to recieve a birthday card signed "love, Grandpa."  Sadly, Shane's grandparents have been an active part of my life longer than my own very loved, very missed grandparents.  Anyway, even though I don't love being 35, it's nice to have birthdays all the same.
4. 
   
   Having 2 holidays in the same month.  I love it when Shane is home for extra days.  It makes my long weekends even nicer.
5. 
   
   I still miss those few July's that featured the new release of a Harry Potter book. I still miss little Harry and his adventures. And the movies don't compare to the book, sadly.  I mean, I still get excited but not as much as I do for the books.

4 things I wish I had right. now.

1. 
   
   Something cold to drink. Although, I am currently 1.5 months Dr. Pepper-free.
2. 
   
   An air-conditioned garage. Typing a blog post in the garage is sweaty work.
3. 
   
   Some bacon and cheese nachos.  Mmm, bacon.
4. 
   
   A new baby to hold. One of my friends from my old ward had a baby on Wednesday and I held her this morning when I dropped off a blanket for her.  She was so sweet.  I wanted to steal her.

3 songs I like to run to right now:

1. Little Red Corvette.  Ah, Prince.
2. Breath in, breath out. Matt Kearney, I love you and your song.  It gets me through many, many hills.
3. Beyonce and her If you Like it then you should have put a Ring on it.  Amy might have Lady Gaga, but I have Beyonce as my guilty pleasure.

2 books I'm looking forward to:

1. The Hunger Games finale.  Can't wait!!
2. Monsters of Men, the finale to Chaos Walking series.

1 awesome thing that happened:
Ben JUST learned to ride his bike today. And is doing so well!  Now I officially don't have any little children - my baby is in kindergarten and can ride a two wheeler. Whose life is this, anyway?

Sunday night thoughts

I love how I go weeks without coming up with anything to say, and then write every day for a while.  I guess my writing bug is a feast-or-famine type situation.

So Thomas gets to go to scout day camp this year.  He will be hiking to Timpanogas Cave and also spending an afternoon at Wheeler Farm.  I had to pay for the camps and I was already past due tonight when I decided to walk the check over to his scout leader's house.  I grabbed the boys and my new flip flops (thanks, Vonnay!) and walked over.

I also got a ward list today. You wouldn't think that taking a check over to a leaders house and having a ward list would be connected, but they are.  You see, I've walked these streets for a long time, but like I've said before, they were always a means to an end, and not the end.  As I headed out, I finally knew that the streets behind and in front of me are in my ward, thanks to my handy ward list.  I knew that if I so desired, I could go home and identify the houses along the route. It was comforting.

I found the scout leader (who is also married to our new bishop) on the corner talking with a bunch of other neighbors. One I recognized (and subsequently called the wrong name, but at least I tried, right?) and another I didn't, but we chatted all the same.  After some blah-blah-blah (because that's really all it is, right?) my kids and I turned around and came back home.  It was a feeling I can identify; the meeting of neighbors on a street corner, kids scurrying to pet dogs and talk with friends and grown ups clamboring to talk to each other and say all the right things.  I did this before, just up a few streets.  We walked home and I saw the neighbors who sold us our rocks for our rock wall.  Even though I don't know them well, I walked over and chatted.  It's what I would have done on my old street, and if I want to have a friendly street, I have to be myself.

On another note, I made a friend today.  A nice retired couple moved in a few houses away yesterday and I met the wife today on her way to church.  When I found out she wouldn't have anyone joining her, I invited her to sit with us.  It was incredibly comfortable, sitting with a complete stranger.  But we got each other. She has been going to church by herself for years and years.  She is on the opposite spectrum of me.  But she has not become bitter. She is open.  She loves her husband for who he is (as do I).  She does what she needs to do and goes home.  We had so much in common.  It made my Sunday to make a friend.  It was exactly what I needed.

So, between feeling understood at church and friendly with the neighborhood, I had a great Sunday.  How about you?

10 for the first half of 2010

I have missed all sorts of months for 10 lists, so I'm doing a catch-me-up.  Let's go!

10 things I don't want to forget about the last few months:

1. Moving.
2. Switching wards. That was hard. I was very fond of my old ward, and it was hard to say good-bye to it. I'm still in the same stake, but each ward has it's own flavor, and I'm still getting used to the new one.  We are in a ward building that we went to when Thomas was little, and when I was pregnant with Ben. I know I spent copious amounts of time there, but it still feels strange.  I think we changed buildings back in 2007; funny how much you forget.  One of the most vivid memories I have of our the building we now go to is when I was pregnant with Ben.  Thomas and I showed up for sacrament meeting, and right after we took the sacrament (I think the deacons were still collecting water trays), I got up and walked out.  I just couldn't do church that day, I guess.
3. Shane changing jobs. It has been so strange and has changed a lot of our patterns.  I still miss driving with him.  I'm still getting used the whole thing.
4. Ben graduating from preschool on Friday. I can't believe that he is going to be a kindergartener.  I couldn't really say a lot to his teacher when we left; I am sad that I don't have anyone else to go to her anymore.  Sniff.  He is growing up.  How did this happen?
5. Getting a texting plan on my phone.  It used to seem so....unnecessary, but now I'm catching on to the beauty of saying what you need to say to the person who who need to say it to without a formal phone call.
6. Cleaning out my mom's garage.  Wow.  Who knew it could echo in there?
7. Getting ready for 2 different relay races.  One I've already done, the other is a little one called Ragnar that I've been salivating over for a year now.  So excited!!
8. Finally figuring out how to find what I want at Ikea.  Thankfully I had a good trainer (thanks, Mel!)
9. Finding out that living for a month without blinds sucks.  They will be here tomorrow, finally!
10. Getting a new great nephew and niece.  So glad Kaison and Lucy got here safely!

9 things moving taught me:

1. It takes a lot of faith to make changes in your life.  I don't think I've ever prayed so often or so sincerely as I did when we were going through the process of buying and selling homes.  It is so humbling to know that you are taking such a leap of faith, even when you are only moving down the street.
2. When you are selling or buying, nothing is beyond interest to your mortgage lender.  They will know everything about you, eventually.
3. It sucks to feel like every person and their brother has their hands in your pockets.  Between paying closing costs for ourselves AND our seller, commissions, repairs, and appliances for our new house, it starts to feel overwhelming.
4. That there has to be a lot of luck and/or fate involved in making all things go well.  Even when you are dealing with a decent buyer, things still come up that make seem insurmountable.  If it's supposed to happen, all hurdles will eventually be cleared.  See my #1 of this list.
5. You have to feel really, really, really comfortable with your real estate agent.  And even then you still feel a little like you are on your own.
6. Don't ever change jobs in the middle of buying a house.  Just don't.  Trust me.
7. Finally feeling at home in a new house is a good, good feeling.
8. Try to take care of the cats first on moving day, rather than as an afterthought once most of the furniture has left.  The cats will thank you, and you won't be known by local missionaries as the Crazy Cat Lady.
9. The places we live in feel the way we do because they are ours.  You take the feeling of your house with you along with your toaster oven and bathrobe.  It is comforting realizing that.

8 people I should thank:

1. Miss Barbara for teaching my children how to write their names.  I don't know what I would have done without this sweet lady who taught both Thomas and Ben for preschool.  I get a little teary just thinking of how grateful I am for her talents with 3 and 4 year olds.
2. Shane for putting up with my crazy, waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night episodes.  Yep, I do it here, too.  But I'm getting better at identifying the strange room I wake up in as my own.  It's only taken me a month.
3. My kids for putting up with me being on the phone for a month straight.  So glad that is over.
4. The Bells, for moving us and helping us move rocks and being our friends.  You guys are the best.
5. Salt Lake county waste for bring me garbage and recycling cans.  Oh, the amount of garbage moving engenders!!
6. The person who is coming tomorrow to install my blinds.  Sigh, it will be so nice to not feel like I'm living in a fishbowl.
7. My new bishop's wife who came and sat by me today.  Her husband just got called last week as a bishop.  She still was thoughful enough to sit by me during our combined meeting today.  I guess I'm starting to make new friends in my new ward.  But it's hard, since the memories I have of the building are full of my old ward friends.  It is strange to look around a familiar room and only see strangers.  So I was very grateful to this good sister for sitting by me today.
8. The guy who lives on my street who sold us rocks for our front yard.  Rocks from the garden center were 10 cents per POUND.  Yeah, the guy down the street sold us enough rocks to build a short wall in our front yard for less than it would have cost me to buy 2 rocks.  I love good deals!  And we didn't even have to drive anywhere.  It was meant to be...

7 places that I've frequented far too frequently of late...

1. Ikea.  I bought some awesome bookcases there.  Oh and some tall floor lamps for $7 a piece.  Oh and glasses. Oh and....you get the idea.
2. Walmart, Home Depot, and Budget Blinds.  Furnishing our windows has kind of gone in stages.  I'm glad it almost over.
3. Chili's.  I love that place.  It seems that we cannot go a week without dining there.  I'm not sure that's such a good thing...
4. Lowes.  This one will be my friend for a long time, because I have to put in a yard.  I'm getting old to still be playing with sprinklers, I tell you.
5. McDonalds.  Damn you and your $1 drinks.  Damn you I say.
6. Cafe Rio.  I can finally eat their pork salads again after an unfortunate wire incident last October.  I still cringe a little bit when I think about it.
7. Sorry, I can't come up with a 7th.  But in my defense, #2 did list 3 places, so I think I'm covered.

6 things I have to do in the next few weeks:

1. Go to my niece's wedding.  Only 2 weeks!
2. Run Ragnar.  Oh I'm excited.  I am running leg 2. 
3. Visit my dad.  He will turn 68 in June, sigh.
4. Find a sewing table.  Maybe it will improve my sewing.  That's a big maybe.
5. Put in a yard.  We are getting trenched for sprinklers on Wednesday.
6. Go to a wedding shower.

5 books I want to read (thanks to a trip to Barnes and Noble)

1. World from Rough Stones
2. Private Life
3. Girl who Chased the Moon
4. Girl who Fell from the Sky
5. Solar

4 thoughts I have about the series finale of Lost:

1. It was perfect.  Perfect.  Those writers are so clever. 
2. I love that the whole last season showed us the life that the Losties would have lived if they could have.  Sawyer would have been good (but still want revenge.)  Kate would have been the same.  She didn't regret killing her father.  Jack would have had the relationship with his son that he never had with his father.
3. I cried when Sun and Jin saw their baby, when Sayid and Shannon found each other again, when Juliet and Sawyer remembered each other, and when Jack walked in to the church at the end.
4. I loved the last moment when Christian opened the door to the church.  To me, it meant that they were all free to move on to the afterlife, together.  They could all go towards the light together.

3 things I want to do today:

1. Run twice (once this morning and again later tonight). I need to get used to multiple runs in a short time.
2. Return the extra pavers we bought to build a path next to our driveway.  It looks so nice!  I can't wait to get grass.
3. Take a nap.

2 things I want:

1. A pair of black capris for work.  Can you ever have enough work pants I ask you?
2. Some cereal.  I'm hungry!

1 thing I like about Memorial Day Weekend:

1. That Sunday night didn't inspire the anxiety of having to go to work the next day. I love Monday holidays!!

Context...

"The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective."

Author: Al Neuharth

Our new house is in the same neighborhood I've lived in for over 10 years, and the street I now live on is very familiar to me.  I once ran down it on while it was still hard, rocky dirt.  Shane and I once stole borrowed obtained some "free" sand from its abandoned corner in a desperate moment while trying to finish our back patio.  I often admired the beautiful sunflowers growing in its empty lots on evening walks with the kids last fall.  It is somewhere I thought I was very familiar with.  I thought I knew what it looked like.

Similarily, I had an idea of what my house would look like when we lived there.  We probably toured our house 7 times before we actually bought it.  I spent 2 hours there on our final walk through, mentioning nicks in the paint and drawers that were sticky.  During those times, I had mentally moved in, placing a couch in the family room, a TV on the mantle (except at Christmas time, when it was covered in pine boughs and stocking hangers), the piano in the front room.  I thought I knew what my house and my street and my life would look like.

But over the last few weeks, the look of my new street and my new house  (even the old church building that houses my new ward) has changed.  They have gone from generic, impersonal rooms and streets and empty lots to something different, something familiar.  I have to remind myself to see them the way I used to see them.  Sometimes I can't do it.  I have to think really hard, picturing our realtor standing in the hall near the back door, telling us we probably wouldn't be quick enough to get that house.  Then, when I can remember, I am shocked at how different it looks now, how the context of my possessions, cats, family, cars, and calendars have changed it.  The once-familiar street that was a part of the path to my real life is now my life's destination.  The context of the path up the hill to my old house has changed because I'm driving away now instead of toward. 

Which takes me back to my opening quote.  The difference we perceive in our street, our path, our house, our lives comes from the difference in our perspective.  The house and the street I used to run by and pilfer from are now mine, rather than someone else's.  I have imposed a bit of my reality on them which has changed the way they look to me forever.  It is impossible for it to be any other way.  But I wasn't expecting it.  When I first detected it, I tried to fight it, to keep trying to see it the way I used to, but I've realized I can't.  I have to allow the magic that makes houses into homes to transform my reality.  I have to allow my eyes to see the once familiar places with the freshness that comes from that reality.  I think I can enjoy and be grateful for this gift that my new perspective has given me now that I can recognize it.

Bliss....

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I think I can come up with a few more than a thousand for this one.

I think I love my new kitchen....but only slightly less than I'm loving strawberry cake (Melanie, your baking has ruined me!)

A few more pictures of the new house.

Another view of the kitchen

Ben on the stairs

Living room

My closet. I've never had a walk-in closet in my life.

Shane's closet.  Yay, we don't have to share.

Family room.

Stairs.

New (to me, they were my grandmother's, we think!) plates I got from my mom's garage last week.  Thanks, Amy, for letting me take them.

First self-portrait in my new digs.

I still keep waiting for the real owners to come and kick me out.  It's going to take a while, I think.  But I love living here!

Stuff about moving that I want to remember.

It's done.  We are officially in our new house.  I can't believe we really moved.  Who knew people who never have anything change in their life could change things so drastically.

I never dreamed I would get this house.  When we first saw it, it had been 90% complete for a few weeks.  They had just lowered the price by a significant amount, and it was expected to go fast.  Despite this, we decided to go for it.  I put my house up for sale on a Tuesday and expected every. single. day. for them to call me and tell me the house we wanted had gone under contract with someone else (because I couldn't deal with putting my house up for sale at the same time as putting a contingency offer on the new one).  We ending up waiting 4 days before we finally made our offer.  Even then, I thought it would be sold out from under us.  After only another week, we our offer on the house we were selling.  3 days later, someone else put an offer on the house we wanted to buy, so I had to scramble to get things squared away.  The entire time, I never dreamed we would actually end up with it. I hoped, but didn't expect it to really work.

I'm so glad it did.  I don't think I could have handled jumping any more hurdles.  The inspection nearly killed me.  Worrying over financing filled my nights with sleepless tossing and turning only to be followed by anxiety dreams about people wanting money from me or spending my money without asking me.  For me, the actual buying/selling of the houses was much more stressful than moving from one to another.

But we finally moved.  Saturday night found us with a garage full of possessions that we didn't know we owned.  I am embarrassed at how unprepared we were.  I *thought* we were prepared, but we weren't.  The morning of our move, I had an entire basement that was mostly intact, except for the books that I packed.  The TV was still hooked up, the DVD player and DVR still plugged in and functioning.  I did pack the remote (which took me until monday to find because I didn't remember packing it!) and 3 DVDs, but that was it.  We had food storage still under the stairs, laundry soap sitting on shelves, clean clothes hanging on racks.  I just didn't realize that it would all really need to go, and therefore should have been packed.

But somehow, with a lot of help from friends and neighbors, we got out of our house.  As we were moving, my mother-in-law Vonnay was vacuuming my upstairs carpet.  After everything and everyone had left, my friend Melanie came over to the old house to help me clean it.  I don't know what I would have done without her.  She vacuumed downstairs while I swept the basement and mopped the floors.  After we were done, I found myself alone in my house for a moment.  With as much composure as I could muster, I asked Mel to leave me alone at the house.  I burst into tears, filled with sadness that I was saying goodbye to this house. I found myself in Thomas' room, exactly where I always sat to nurse him when he was a baby.  I wanted some further confirmation that what we were doing wasn't crazy, wasn't wrong.  I stood up and noticed that something was on the shelf in Thomas' closet.  It was only an old hockey stick, but behind it was a hospital ID tag from Shriners hospital from when Thomas had his tendon lenthening surgery at 4 months.  When I found it, I knew that it was my confirmation.  It was the little token, the tender mercy I needed at the time to say it's ok, you are doing the right thing.  I still felt sad, but my heart was peaceful and my tears started to wane. 

Some moments I want to remember are:

• Shane and his friend John toting our outside canopy down to the new house on top of our rented U-Haul.
• Trying to coax one of our cats from out from the ceiling in the basement where she hid when I tried to secure her in a cat carrier.
• Wrestling the other cat into the cat carrier without letting the first cat out.  Every time a new person would walk by, she would start to try to escape.  I must have spent 20 minutes fighting cats.
• Our last old fat cat who calmly rode on Vonnay's lap to the new house, meowing all the time while her friends sat in the cat carrier, scared for their lives.
• The fact that my old bishop/home teacher ended up carrying my underwear drawer to the garage.  Special.
• Missing the delivery of our fridge, which meant that we couldn't get a fridge until Sunday morning.  We had to put all our cold food in coolers on the back porch and send our frozen food home with Vonnay.  She was so sweet to make 2 extra trips up to get my food and then later deliver it.  I don't know what we would have done without her.
• Sweeping and mopping my kitchen floor in the old house for the last time.
• Eating at Olive Garden Saturday night.
• Having a picnic dinner with Vonnay, Shane and the boys on the living room floor on Friday night.
• Unpacking the kitchen with Vonnay Friday night while the boys went to get Five Guys and McDonalds.
• Feeling all warm and fuzzy at the service that our home teacher, neighbors, friends, family, and a couple of missionaries gave us by helping us move.
• Having to let the new owner of our old house in because he nor his 2 grown male friends could figure out how to work the key.  I then gave him a tour, showing him where to turn on and off the water and sprinklers. I showed him all the leftover paint so he could do touch-ups, and told him the types of all my beautiful trees.  Sniff. 
• I'm excited: he's being really cool and letting me come back and split the iris in the back yard later this spring.  Score.

We have spent the last 3 days getting moved in.  The garage is now able to accomodate a single car, and once we have our garbage day on Friday, we will be able to park both cars.  All our rooms are unpacked except for the living room, which is covered in boxes and books and pictures (I can't even get in the door.) I still need blinds everywhere in the basement.  It still feels a little weird, but we really live here now.  Tomorrow we will stop paying rent (because we had to wait to close until Shane could get paid from his new job) and we will finally close.  It feels like I have spent every moment of this year worrying about moving.  I don't remember what I did before.

So this is my last whiney post about leaving my old house.  I know that it will take some time, but soon this house will feel as much like home as our old house.  It's feeling more and more like home with every box we unpack and every random item we put away.

Curtains....

Really, they are just fabric.  Brought to America from Holland, passed from father-in-law to daughter-in-law, then again from mother-in-law to daughter-in-law.

They've hung in my kitchen for as long as I can remember.  I'm as familiar with their pattern as with the street that they obscure behind them.  But until today, I didn't know how they changed the light.  When I took them down this afternoon, I discovered I don't know the house that is filled with this light; it is foreign.

Their absence is just one more evidence that this isn't my house anymore.  Somehow, it is the one that is most glaring (at least for today; tomorrow, when items start to disappear, only to reappear at another house will have its own moments.) 

They are just curtains.  I knew that.  I didn't know they were also something that made my house home.

Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody....

Tonight is the last Saturday night living in my house.  This is so strange.  I never imagined leaving this house.  I spent too much time waiting to live in it.

Back in 1999 when we were building, I had a lot of expectations. I can remember standing in the dirt in the middle of our empty lot and thinking, wow, in a few months, I'll actually be standing in the space that will occupy my master bedroom. It was a strange, surreal feeling to know that I would soon be a home owner, living out a reality that then was only a dream.

I feel like I am doing that in reverse now that we are selling this house. It is a little like giving away one of my children (or at least a cat; I think parting with a child would be much more devastating than moving!). But all the same, we have lived here for over 10 years. We've been visiting this very spot for nearly 11, since we first discovered this emerging neighborhood on the side of a windy, rocky hill. I find myself stopping in certain places, remembering what happened before.

Like the night Shane and I brought Wendy's hamburgers and fries over when the house was almost completed. It was the first time we saw our carpet, and to celebrate, we made a little picnic on the floor in the exact spot where our bed would later stand. Our view of the Salt Lake Valley was unobstructed; I can still remember so vividly the lights of downtown sparkling in the distance.

Or another time when we came out in the middle of the night to mark where our (future) recessed lights would go (5 of them!) and the chandelier in the kitchen nook. We drew circles on the floor after carefully measuring the exact middle of each room. People told me it would be awful and glaring; instead, my kitchen is bright and warm and inviting and I always know exactly what I'm looking at.

There was the time we drove over after a party at a friend’s. We sat on the unfinished porch and listened to the night, the stars illuminating the then-unfamiliar Oquirrh Mountains in the distance. That was one of the warmest November's that I can remember. It may have been only 5 minutes that we sat, or it could have been an hour, but it was a moment I'll never forget.

I walk into Thomas' bedroom and think of the table of hand-me-down baby clothes that I washed and folded months before I was even thinking of getting pregnant. Or sitting on the couch in what was then the TV room but would later become Ben's bedroom. Thomas rolled over for the first time right there in that very room.

I brought both of my babies home here. I nursed both of them from the same rocking chair that now sits in my living room (and had sat in my mother-in-law's living room before that.) I can walk around at night in the dark and not bump into things. I know when certain slants of light will illuminate a room, even for only a few minutes in the morning or night for a few days of the year. It is home.

But home is also these boys, and these cats, and this stuff that I will pack and move with me. As long as I have my family, I can live without all the stuff. My house isn't just the two by fours that hold up the sheetrock, or the windows that show me my lively, well-known street. My house is really just the backdrop of my life. It is the place I come to be me, to teach my children, to laugh at my husband, to clean up after my cats. I can't take the very walls and floors, but I can take my memories of it. I can leave good, happy feelings that will hopefully translate into making it happy for another family to inhabit. I hope they will love it. I hope they will take care of it. I hope that if they ever rip out all my bulbs, they will let me know.

I will miss my house, but I am getting really excited to make some new memories in my new house. I think this family is ready to share itself with another set of walls, and get to know some new sets of neighbors.

But I never knew leaving would be so hard.

Dear John,

Actually, I don't have a letter to write to anyone named John. But I do have a few to write to real people, most of whom do not read this blog.  I love being able to get out my frustrations in such a helpful, passive-agressive format.


Dear person buying my home:

Hi! We haven't met, but soon you will be sitting on my toilet seats and cleaning my sinks.  Just a little note to say that I can't give you the moon.  I can't even give you a satellite or a random piece of space junk. I KNOW!

Yes, my house is 10 years old. But it's a nice place.  Really. And I'm trying, but I really can't give you everything.  Thanks for letting me clear that up.

Signed, Becky



Dear Dr. Jelly fingers,

Thank you for my IUD yesterday.  I'm so glad you got me in on such short notice.  And you didn't make me come back a week later to get my IUD, but were awesome and performed the whole shebang (sorry, poor word choice!) in a day.  Tell your office manager "sorry" that I didn't have to come back.

But you rock.  I have a thing for OB/GYNs with the first name of Scott, apparently.  See you in a year.

Regards,

Becky



Dear Home Inspector--

If we ever meet on the street, I might punch you.  If I had wanted to replace windows/water heater/dishwasher, I wouldn't have decided to move.  But whatever.

Just whatever.  I'm glad you got paid, at least.

Becky



Dear Dr. Pepper -

Please stop creeping into my mind with your dark, sugary goodness. I've only had you twice since I broke my streak. 

Stop stalking me.

`Preciatecha.

Becky

Building stairs: a tutorial

First, you need to have a house that you built in 2000.  You have to decide to "wait a few months" to put on the back deck/stairs out your bedroom doors.  You know, because it will get done eventually.

Or, 10 years later when a building inspector/home buyer requires that they be built you decide it would be nice to be able to go out your doors.  So start with that kind of a house.

Buy some wood at Lowes.  Bring it home and wait for morning to start the fun.  Make sure you have 3 hot guys to help.

Start to build. Take the siding off the bottom part of the house. Let everyone in the family pitch in to help.

Attach the risers to the support board.  Attach another support board to the house. Write your names, ages, and the date on the back of the support board with a Sharpie.  Start to cry because you realize that even though your names will stay, your family won't. 

Attach the stairs to the house.  Crying stops, work resumes.

Attach the treads, build a railing, open the door that used to open onto nothing, then sit back and enjoy your new stairs.  Which will be yours for (possibly) less than a month.

Find a cute neighbor girl to pose with your son.  Realize they are already enjoying your day's effort.

I'm not the only one who has projects that have been put off for a decade, right?

Going crazy....

Hi, I'm Becky. And I put my house up for sale a few weeks ago. And a few days later put an offer on another house in the same neighborhood. And then 10 days later someone offered to buy my house.  And someone else decided to try and buy the house I want to buy (but I *think* we will still win. I better not be jinxing myself by writing this)  Did I mention my husband is changing jobs in the middle of it?  And that it might result in us not having anywhere to live for....a while.  Or maybe not.

I've been in my current house over 10 years and at my job for almost 11 years.  Shane has worked at the same place for 14 years.

We don't deal well with change.

Pray for me!!!!!

10 for January (a little late)

10 things I did in January:

1. Won a $50 gift card from my work.  We did a biggest loser-type contest and I got 4th place. I sat in 6th place for weeks and weeks...only the top 5 got a prize. I worked my tail off. But it sucked knowing I had to weigh in every week during the weeks of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But I was determined not to be the runner up to getting a prize, and I did.. 
2. I bought my new favorite shoes with the gift card I won. And also tried harder to be a real girl.
3. Went to my neice's wedding and bridal shower.
4. Celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary.
5. Got my taxes done. I love refund years....
6. Finally started wearing my new running shoes I bought the day after Thanksgiving. I just loved my old shoes so much & didn't want to break in a new pair.
7. Sweated through a few DVD's of P90X. Holy cow, I haven't hurt like that since I ran my marathon in 2004.  I seriously considered walking down stairs backwards a few times.  I love being that sore.
8. Joined a team for the Ragnar Wasatch Back relay. I chickened out on putting together a team, but a friend stepped up and invited Shane and me to join his. I picked my leg (#2!) and am spending every run wondering what my first 6.7 leg will be like.
9. Received two (2!) new callings at church.  I'm now on the activities committee and planning girls camp.  Should be interesting.
10. Missed my dad.  I had a little break down last Sunday and ended up going through some old video tapes, looking for video I shot in 2006.  I wished I had gotten him to say something, but it was awesome to see him interacting with my kids.

9 Places I ate:

1. 5 Guys Burgers & Fries. Holy cow, I'm a sucker for a good burger and homestyle greasy fries. 
2. Olive Garden.  After my niece Jacqui went to the temple for the first time, we joined everyone for dinner at Olive Garden.  She went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple which is near me, so it was fun to be able to be with them.
3. Los Hermanos.  Mmm.  Shane and I ate there for our anniversary after my niece's wedding dinner. I guess that means we kind of ate dinner twice that night, but it was worth it.  Seafood enchiladas to eat and a brisa negro to drink....heaven!
4. Chili's. 
5. Chili's.
6. Chili's.We only went 3 times last month.  And 3 Fridays in a row I cooked dinner.  They must have been worried when we didn't show up for our regular Friday night meal.  Maybe we through them off by showing up on Saturday.  That will keep them guessing.
7. Jimmy Johns.  Mmm.  Nothing better than free lunch thanks to your employer.
8. Cafe Rio.  I took a 4 month hiatus after I found a WIRE in my pork salad back in October.  It not only ended up in my mouth, but got caught between my back teeth. I was scared of hepatitis for weeks afterward.  And I stopped ordering pork salads.  I'm back to grilled chicken.  At least the Cafe Rio that put the wire in my food wasn't the one we usually go to. If it had been, I don't think I ever would have gone back.
9. Sampan.  I love Chinese food dearly.  So good!

8 people I spent time with:

1. My nieces.  With Jacqui getting married and having lots of family events, I saw a lot of these beautiful girls I love so much: Haley, Madi, BreAnn, Lyndsay, Kayci, Britteny, Jacqui.
2. My sisters and mom.  It was awesome to see them multiple times in one month.
3. My brother-in-laws and nephew-in-laws.  I love them, too.
4. I didn't see my dad, which weighed on me a lot.  He's silent now and I don't even feel the recognition I felt back in September.  Where has he gone? Is he "curled up" somewhere in his mind the way my sister Amy once wrote?
5. This list should have 8 items, but I've already mentioned more than 8 people. I'm calling it good.

7 random thoughts in my head that I want to write down:

1. We spent a lot, and I mean A LOT of time really considering moving in January.  We had a a house picked out and everything.  I loved it - it was 300 feet bigger upstairs and down, brand new, had energy star appliances, a walk-in closet, big bathroom with double sink vanity, separate stand-up shower and big jetted tub. Oh, but did I mention I already had a house and it isn't up for sale?  Yeah.  So, we were going to make an offer on the house, but then it just didn't feel right.
2. The item that really kicked me over the edge for not moving to the other house (well, besides the logistics of selling a house, making an offer on another house and hoping no one tried to buy it before us, etc.)?  Buying a fridge.  The other appliances would have come with the new house.  But not a fridge. I was ready to go through the rigmarole of putting in another yard, buying another water softener, but I couldn't justify buying a fridge.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.
3. We drove by the other house this morning and it had a "sold" sign in the window.  Tiny sniff.
4. Did I mention the house had an honest to goodness fireplace in the living room? And an island?  Oh, I wanted to live there.  But not bad enough, I guess.
5. In non-moving-related thoughts, ESPN can go on for really long periods of time covering events that are over and done with hours ago.  The Superbowl ended a few hours ago and they are still going on about it.
6. Superbowl parties inspire me to eat grand amounts of food. I think the other girls at the party we were at were wondering if I would ever stop.  Oh, party food is good!
7. Hot wings and turkey wraps and 7 layer dip go really good together.

6 songs that made me reminisce:

1. Moon Shadow. Cat Stevens.
2. Another Saturday Night. 
3. Can't Keep It In.
4. Peace Train.
5. Hard headed woman. (see above.)
6. I should probably explain all the Cat Stevens. I loved Cat back in the day and listened to him all the time during my time with Cindy/Eric.  I was watching some videos of Cat on YouTube and borrowed his greatest hits from the library. It is amazing the flood of memories and feelings that come from listening to music from your past.  Bittersweet.

5 thoughts about considering moving that surprised me:

1. I would miss my neighbors immensely.
2. Ditto my ward. I walked in to the church one night to get Thomas from scouts, greeting people I knew from my ward on the way in and the way out.  I would miss associating with them.  I seriously considered going even after we moved. I would miss all my friends there.
3. I was looking forward to not having to paint over the hellish pink paint that I painted in my kitchen last April.
4. At the same time I was glad I didn't have to paint over it, I was sad I wouldn't get to see the same area painted in the lavender/gray paint I picked out to replace it.
5. I would miss my trees. They are like friends and I would be sad to see them being taken care of by someone else.  Unless that person was my niece, and then I would have been happy.  How does 2 years sound, Lynds? :)

4: 3 books I read all month and never finished and 2 I did

1. Finished:  The Copper Beach and The Lightning Thief. Loved them.  Am using the reminders from The Lightning Thief this month as I read a book called Lavinia by Ursula Le Guin.
2. Didn't finish: Anne of Green Gables. It is taking me forever.  Should it?
3. The Gate at the Stairs. Will keep reading.
4. The Swan Thieves.  It's massive and I just know I won't get it done.  Maybe some other time.

3 things I was grateful for:

1. That my niece is happily married.
2. That I have a sweet husband with serious skillz in making videos that make me cry.
3.  That January came to a close.  I hate January, can I say that?

2 things I will do in February:

1. Work.
2. Work.  This is our busiest time. I got 12 hours overtime in the past 2 weeks. That has only happened twice in 8 years of being part time.

1 thing I like about 2010:

1. I am finally running faster. I have never wanted to run fast in my life.  Until now that I'm running Ragnar and don't want to let my team down.  My husband is wondering what I have done with his never-wanting-to-be-faster wife.