May and June 2015: A summary

I miss doing lists. I miss blogging. I miss writing. I should be able to solve this problem on my own, since I am the one who decides how I spend my time. Anyway.

May and June were busy months. They deserve lists. Wahoo for lists!

Places we went:

• Spokane. The first weekend in May, we went back up for Bloomsday. It was such a fun mini-vacation. We ate a lot of food, laughed with our friends, ran a great race, duped a fancy restaurant into giving us a free dessert, and made great memories. I'm sure you feel like you were there from that very specific description.

• Park City. Just for one night, the Sunday to Monday of Memorial Day. It was super fast, and we spent most of the time at the pool in the rain (gotta love Memorial Day in Utah! It ALWAYS rains.) but it was fun. I might be the only person ever who takes a sandwich maker on vacation with her. It didn't do any good, since we ended up at Taco Bell for breakfast (we all love sausage AM crunchwraps, and will do crazy things to obtain them.)

Places we ate:

• Buffalo Wild Wings. I am in love with the spicy Thai sauce, and the garlic parmasan (which is bizarre, because garlic is usually my natural enemy, but this sauce is sooo delicious.) I highly recommend the Buffalitos. I don't know why it took us so long to eat there.
• The Habit. Great burgers, and the best part: they will add avocado to almost anything. Be still my avocado-loving heart.
• Costa Vida (where I somehow ended up running into Lucy. Man, I love Lucy. And even better to see her unexpectedly, across a crowded room. Yay for running into friends!) 
• La Puente.  When Shane and I were dating, I hated La Puente. It is a Mexican restaurant on State Street that has been there forever, and I was always a fan of Los Hermanos in the UC which kept me from loving La Puente. But after living on the West Side, aka the Mexican-food-deprived-side of Salt Lake County, I fully appreciated our night out at La Puente. I keep trying to get my kids to go back there, but have been unsuccessful.
• Bombay House. I love me some Indian food, but no one else does. So I have to make a special trip to 3 different restaurants typically in order to have it for myself (the kids eat one place, Shane eats at another, and I get BH.) It is worth all the effort to have the deliciousness that is Chicken Coconut Kurma. 
• Zupas. I ate here with my dear mother-in-law on one visit, and again with my bestie Melanie in a very rushed but worth it lunch one afternoon.

New Business (a veiled Mad Men reference. Mad Men ended in May, a fact that I am still mourning.)

• Shane got a new-to-him car. We sold our Xterra after 11 years and bought a Subaru Legacy. It had some problems at first. By "problems" I mean it stalled ON THE WAY HOME which resulted in two weeks of repairs, paid for by the dealership, that included dropping the trasmission, new transmission computer, and another part I can never remember but we lovingly refer to as the "flux capacitor." While it was being repaired we drove around in a brand new Impreza. I drove it as much as I possibly could, which was fun (we put over 500 miles on it. Oops, sorry Mark Miller Subaru.)
• Pebble Greybeard Lovejoy. He is a Russian Blue kitten, and he is a pain in the ass. He is Ben's cat, and he is just like Ben. He is giving our cat Bucket a nervous breakdown, because she looks like his (Siamese) mother. He jumps out at her from behind corners. He attacks her tail. He acts EXACTLY like Ben acts with his older sibling. But he is sweet, sometimes. Like last night, when he crawled up on my chest and forced his way under the blanket. I had him on my chest, and Bucket on my lap, and it was a little bit like kitty heaven. Note: I have a private name for him, that I abbreviate to MLB. It stands for "mean little bastard." I giggle every time I say it. He loves to chase toys, his tail, Bucket, feathers, and pencils. Piles of folded laundry are an obstacle course for him, and he is never as happy as when he is attacking a rolled up pair of socks. (For approximately 2 minutes of me writing this, he was purring on my lap. And now he's watching me type. Can I get an "Awww!)

• A laptop. Which sounds fancy, but it isn't. Laptops are sort of disposable now, so I didn't want anything too fancy. My old one took 300 minutes just to bring up a browser, which may have been because of the fact that most of the storage was full of pictures. I was terrified it would crash before I moved 13 years worth of pictures. It didn't. The new laptop is adequate. It has a 10 key, which was pretty much my only requirement (I don't know how people have a laptop without one.)

Media that was enjoyed

• Hozier. I love this CD album with my whole heart. I can listen to it exclusively for hours.
• Florence and the Machine - How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful. I will always get excited for new Florence music. 
• Uprooted, by Naomi Novik, a new-to-me author. I just finished it last night, but carried it around with me for 3 weeks. Thomas is also reading her Temeraire series.
• My Real Children - I haven't finished it yet, because I could renew it and not the Novik book, but I will be finishing it shortly.
• Headspace - a meditation app that I have been using regularly. It it so helpful. When Amy and I were little, we shared a room. Our closet was always, always a disaster. We kept everything there and most of it was leftover books and papers and clothes and toys and records that we didn't need anymore, but couldn't get rid of. I feel like my emotional and mental closet has been overflowing for years with hoarded emotions, thought, feelings, and experiences that I just didn't have use for, but were crowding my judgement and thought patterns. I'm cleaning out my closet. I'm figuring out how to not take everything so personally, and not get trapped in my thoughts as much. Headspace has helped with this process.

Other stuff I don't want to forget:

• Thomas finished 8th grade and Ben finished 4th.
• We fed a baby bird for a week. It was doomed from the start, and he passed away sometime before yesterday morning. Sad. But my kids were great bird daddies for a few days.
• We watched Jurassic World on Father's Day.
• My kids finished Spring soccer. Thomas hadn't played on a team since he was in first grade (which mostly consisted of him pretending to be Spiderman, or a dinosaur. My how he's grown!) and so it was kind of a big thing for him to play. Ben is obsessed with soccer, so it's just the usual for him.
• I got new running shoes. After three weeks of hating them, I found some inserts that work really well, and now I love them. 
• I started walking once a week with my neighbor friend.
• Started to clean out my mom's house. It's sort of anticlimactic, since I've obsessed over it for years. (See "Headspace" entry above. Deep breaths.) We did manage to get a lot done in a few hours, so that was nice. But there are many more hours to be spent there, sigh.
• Went fishing with the kids at Daybreak Lake. It was hotter than crap, and I missed a lot of it because I was at my mom's house, but it was something different.
• I got 70,000 steps on my Fitbit in one week. I had to try really hard to get it. I almost made it the week before, but my Fitbit died in the afternoon on Saturday. Sad.
• Threw my back out for one terrible week. I didn't mess around this time and went to the doctor right away. He gave me prednisone, which I didn't take last time because steroids make me very bitchy and mean, but it was only 6 days, and they didn't seem to affect me as much. My back quickly got back into shape. I'm so glad. I think part of the reason it got better faster was that last time, we were going through the baby thing, which complicated it immensely.
• Had the first summer without Ragnar in five years. I missed it a lot. But, the weekend of the race was really hot, so maybe I didn't miss it that much. I could have joined my employer's team - they went through runners like wildfire! - but that was that weekend that my back was injured, and I wasn't invited until mid-May. It was hard to turn it down, especially since it would have been free, but in the end, it was the right thing to not participate. 

How were your May and June?

No one notices the pianist until she makes a mistake

During one of the early weeks after I was called as the secretary in young women, I was listening to the young women sing our one verse, a cappella hymn. I'm sure it was a joyous noise for the Lord to listen to, if not the room at large (seriously - try and sing with young girls. Their voices make noises that older voices just can't. It's difficult at best.)

I had the best idea I've had in a long time. Or maybe it was the worst. Being in a new ward meant that we we singing sacrament hymns to the piano, because most of our organists lived in the section of the ward that didn't stay with us. It also meant that Nicole, the lady who was playing the piano, learned how to play the organ in two weeks. In our young women class, every now and then one of the girls would volunteer to play top hand, but they hadn't practiced, and with them doing everything in the meeting (conducting, praying, leading the music, starting the YW theme, etc.) I didn't think it was fair to ask a girl to play off the cuff, without having time to practice. Inspired by Nicole, I decided that I should pick a hymn each week and learn the top hand to play for the girls. I ran my idea past the young women president and she gave me approval.

I became the unoffical young women pianist (snort!)

So here I am, three months later. I've decided it's the silver lining for my calling. I can't tell you how nervous I get when I play. Most of the time, even if I have practiced playing both hands, I can't manage the stress of playing both hands while people are singing along. But I'm learning and improving so much. I don't think it's anything I've done to get better; I think it's just a blessing that I'm getting since I'm playing for the girls. But whatever the source of my improvement, I'll take it.

Years ago, my BFF Melanie gave me a book filled with simplified Christmas music. Each year since, I've tried to play O Holy Night, with varying degrees of success. This year was the first year I've been able to get through the whole song with two hands. It makes me so happy! I also practiced We Three Kings (a much easier song) and was able to get through it with two hands most of the time. And for church, I played Silent Night, Angels We Have Heard on High, and Joy to the World.

It makes me happy. I feel silly, putting myself forward each week as the pianist. Because really, no one at church really pays attention to the pianist unless they make a mistake - which I do frequently. I've convinced myself that the girls roll their eyes at my playing, which probably isn't true, but I think it every time I miss a note. But I keep playing because I want to learn. I want this little hobby that makes me happy.

Longing for movement

Shane and I almost never watch award shows, but this year we ended up seeing most of the Grammy's and the Academy awards. I typically watch for a few minutes, then read my book/look at my phone/sew on something, so while I heard Pink singing her Grammy-nominated song Try, I wasn't paying much attention to what was going on on-screen until about halfway through when Shane said, "You should probably be watching this." So I did, and then I loved it so much that I rewatched it, and then I watched the video and bought the song, and now I am blogging about it.

(But first: have you seen her Grammy performance? Here, I'll give you a link. Pink - Try. Or, even better, watch the video for the song. It's a big gritty, but oh so good.)

Something about this song makes me feel something big. Part of it is about movement itself. I cannot separate the movement from the music. I listen to the song in my car and while I run and as I walk from the train to work and while I do chores around my house. Sometimes I just watch the video and it feels me with a longing for movement that I've had my whole life. It's what took me from turning cartwheels in the store to doing gymnastics for hours every day. I filled my high school and college hours with dance of any kind, and now I substitute running and yoga and the occasional improv combination in my kitchen. Music and movement are inexorably intertwined, and I combine them to give both my longing for movement and my actual movement context and memory and feeling. 

The other part is the story that is told in the video (mostly the official video, but it is hinted at in her Grammy performance as well.) Maybe it's just about a really crappy relationship, two people who fight and fling themselves at one another and cause physical pain on a regular basis (but even at that level, I still appreciate it - Pink is an incredible dancer.) (I get so jealous watching her. I almost don't want to watch because I wish so much it was me being that amazing.) But I read the movement as the complex emotional dance that is our life: the stops and starts and sometimes violent crashes that happen between humans. It makes me remember the desperation of last year - of wanting something, of fighting about it all the time, of no one winning, of trying every day to get back into step with my life. It felt like every day, I was flinging myself at my husband, at my expectations, at my anger, only to feel the weight of them flinging back at me. It was messy and discordant and a little bit ugly. The words in the chorus - where there is a fire there is going to be a flame, where there is a flame some one's bound to get burned, but just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die, you've got to get up and try, try, try - they get me. I feel them and I remember and I think about the burning that didn't burn me up. And I think about how movement during most of that time was a solace that I didn't have. 

And so I when I listen to the song, I think about it and where I am now. I didn't burn. Or maybe I did - maybe the part of me that so desperately wanted that life with the third baby was burned away. I let her go, and something new came out of from the ashes. A new chapter grew into not just my life, but my family's life. We aren't the same four people. Events and people and places came out of last year that I know wouldn't have happened if we had made a different choice. 

I think I like it so much because somehow, its lyrics and movement allow me a sense of nostalgia. Strange that I would feel that, since it's like picking a long-ago healed scab; why do I want to keep remembering? Maybe it's because of what I can see that came out of it. Maybe it's gratitude for the less-frantic dance I am currently living. Maybe it's the mobility that I have now, and the way I don't take it for granted the way I did before. Maybe it's just that I really, really love modern dance, and that I appreciate the symbolism of the colors that stain Pink and her partner by the end of the video.

I sort of can't decide where to jump on this post. Am I being all fan-girly about Pink? Do I just really like dance? Am I jealous that I don't look like her? Is it the remembering of last year? I think yes, to all of them. So, in conclusion, I guess I should ask: do you remember your painful times of life with a sort of fondness? Do you like Pink? Do you giggle a little at how big Nate Reuss's feet look in his part of the song?

Winter 2013: The music edition

Every few months I make up a new playlist on my iPod. The one that I made for January 2013 I've been listening to nonstop. Working, running, driving, cleaning toilets. A lot of the songs carry over from other time periods - I've got some Simon and Garfunkle that brings back some happy memories from the 1990s - but some songs will always remind me of this particular stretch of time. These are the songs that got me through.

I've never been a big Les Mis fan - Shane and I loved the Les Mis movie with Liam Neeson and Claire Daines but I've never really known the music. This is one of my faves.

I've been loving on Florence + the Machine. She has such amazing lyrics. She reminds me a lot of Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes was every bit as raw as anything Florence does. Her songs kind of creep up on me - I'll notice a new one every few months, despite the fact I've had both Lungs and Ceremonials for over a year. Shrug.

I love that this song is all about the inadequacies of language. It satisfies the english geek in me. (No intentional reference to my sister, ha ha.)

This song is a carry over from the fall. I love the line "I think I need a sunrise - I'm tired of the sunset." I love running to this song.

Likewise this song. Bono and his lyrics make me swoon.

What songs are getting you through?

Ragnar! 2012

How sad that Ragnar has been over for almost a week. Although, much like Christmas, I am always anticipatorily sad that it will be over before hand and then a little grateful when it is over. It's a lot of work - but it so worth it!

Ragnar 2012 looked like this for me:

First leg. Trail run at Snowbasin. Time: 21:36. Started at 4:46 pm.

Finishing!! My least favorite leg of Ragnar ever.

I really enjoyed this year. Since I did the same leg as last year - 12 - it was nice to know what to expect from 2 out of 3 legs. I did not love my first run - a beautiful but way too short trail run in the mountains above Snowbasin Ski Resort. Ragnar seemed to be stretching a bit to come up with somewhere for person 12 to run. Had it just been longer I think I could have reached my stride better, but the first (uphill) mile taxed my lungs, and then the next (downhill) mile on the trail seemed to short to get into a rhythm. I did pass a few runners, which made me happy, but I still didn't feel that the running aspect of Ragnar really started for me until Saturday morning.



Second leg. Run from Rockport Reservoir to Oakley Fairgrounds. Time: 1:07:26. Started at 4:54 am.

 I look silly. But I loved getting to rock my stripey tights again. Love the mismatched gloves?

The hand off from Amy to me.

Handing off to Sam after running my best Ragnar leg ever. Ever!!

My second run from Rockport to Oakley is my favorite Ragnar leg of all time. It was identical to last year and I enjoyed it every bit as much. It was already fairly light when I started so I was able to see some of the landscape that I ran past last year in the dark. It was cool - maybe 45 degrees - perfect running weather. I donned my striped tights and skull running shirt a la the Halloween Half Marathon and my sparkle skirt and ran nearly 7 blissful miles. I even made the perfect playlist just for the run while waiting for....Amy? Dave? to finish their night run. It was heaven. In fact, a little bit of heaven was trailing me; around mile 2, I felt my dad so strongly it nearly took my breath away. I took a moment to look around at where I was and think about what he might have loved about that particular stretch of highway. I passed 9 people - almost 10, but the girl I tried to pass right before the exchange didn't want me to pass her and we battled it out to the finish. Kind of fun, really.

Playlist:

It is heavy in the Xanadu soundtrack because it was pretty much running through my head non-stop the whole week before Ragnar due to buying it off of Amazon for $2.99 (I know! The whole album for only $2.99!) The other songs are there because:

• Jar of Hearts to emind me of last year's Ragnar while driving to East Canyon Reservoir,
• Breathe in Breathe Out by Matt Kearney because it is what got me through my very first leg of Ragnar in 2010, 
• Adele because I listened to her all through May and early June,
• Prince to remind me of training for last year's Ragnar
• Florence _+ the Machine because she always gets my blood going, 
• Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and Janice Joplin to remind me of my rebellious teenage years.
• Breakthrough because my kids love it and I wanted them to be along on my run with me.

Last leg. Run in foothills of Park City to Park City High School. Time: 1:22:05. Started at 3:54 pm.

 The outfit. I wanted to rock my socks again, but it was toooooo hottttt. Hottest Ragnar leg ever.

 

Finishing with all of Team 319, Still Chafing Tail.

I sort of dreaded my last run. It was really warm on Saturday afternoon and I wasn't looking forward to the dusty trails near highway 40 that I would be running. I ran the whole thing, but I wasn't fast. I think that I did most of that run out of sheer spite due to 4 runners who passed me (running) only to start walking once they were ahead of me. Then when I would, you know, RUN up to them, they would hear me and start running again. I was cursing all of them in my head and I determined that I would eventually pass a few of them, which I did.

Songs I listened to:

• Zoo Station - Nine Inch Nails
• America - Neil Diamond
• Listen Like Thieves - INXS (reminded me of using Amy's mp3 player last year for my final run)
• Down In It - Nine Inch Nails
• 
  

By the last mile, I was tired. My legs were done from the hilly trail. I tried to enjoy that last mile, to soak in all of the Ragnar goodness but all I wanted to do was turn the corner and be at Park City High School with my teammates waiting for me. Last year, I embarrassed myself by getting this surge of energy right at the end when we were finishing and I ended up finishing way ahead of everyone else. I was determined not to do that again so the minute I got to my team I turned off my iPod, gave a few high fives, and ran with them. One of the guys from Van 1 kept trying to get me to go ahead of everyone but I wouldn't. It was so fun to finish with my team. They gave me the medals and I handed them to all my teammates. Then we went off to get a team picture. Then: it was over. So sad.

But, Ragnar looked like this, too:

 That mass off people? Waiting for a porta potty. Gotta love Ragnar. And Honey Buckets.

 So excited for Melanie to run her first Ragnar leg!

 Mel and Sheila exchanging the sweaty slap bracelet.

 Run Shane run!

 Shane is hot....in a lot of ways.

 Dave and Amy swapping some sweat!

Melanie running and sparkling.

 Dave was winning.

 Van fun...

 Amy and I ran up this road last year.

 The van.

 Dave asleep on a picnic table.

 Mel can't wait to run in the dark. For realz.

 Looks comfy. You take sleep whenever you can get it.

 Dave is happy at 3 am...

 Amy heading off to run her 5 miles in the dark.

Running aside, the other parts of Ragnar were awesome. Our van had a blast together. The chemistry was hopping, the swear words were flying, the tears were even flowing. I love Dave, Sheila, Amy, Melanie and Shane even more after spending 36 (more) hours with them. We had a blast together. My favorite moment was when we were at East Canyon Reservoir. The sun was just setting. The lake looked cool and calm. Amy and I almost peed our pants waiting for a Honey Bucket - not because we really needed to pee, but because we were laughing so hard. Later, all of the girls stood around in the brush above the lake, talking about babies and hopes and things that would never happen in this life. That moment the four of us were so close - it felt like we were all sisters. These are the things that I love about Ragnar - hours and hours of time to get to know each other in the real and important ways.

The sleeping sitution wasn't any better than it has been in the past. I drove all night, or at least sat in the drivers seat all night. I finished my "night" run at 6am only to drive for an hour in cow fields and around the wrong side of Jordanelle Reservoir until we got to our sleeping spot. I needed a moment on my own so I spent about 15 minutes in a bathroom stall, taking my time, changing every bit of my clothes, before I went and laid down on the wrestling mats the set up for us in the lunchroom. I took out my journal and wrote a few pages of memories while Amy and Melanie slept on either side of me. I fell asleep for 1.5 blessed hours and felt (almost) good as new. I even got to brush my teeth this year; miracles will never cease.

I signed up again on Monday - Team 36 for 2013. I love being the captain and putting my friends and family with me in my van. I learn something new every year both about myself and about how to be a better leader. I am already looking forward to June 21-22, 2013.

And now, for some pictures. Thanks for sticking with me this long!!

 Dave, Shane, Sheila, Melanie, Me (with monkey arms!), Amy.

 Amy, Sheila, Dave, Melanie

 Sparkle socks!! I love our team spirit.

 Yeah, you see all sorts of stuff at Ragnar....He was blasting Party Rock Anthem from his ghetto blaster. (Yes, the person in the pink leo is a man.)

 Sparkle skirts and Ragnar tattoos make you tough...

 Sisters...running and trying not to chafe our tails...

 Linda, Mel, Sheila, Me, Amy. People loved the sparkle skirts.

 Mmm, nothing tastes as good as dinner at Snowbasin. Although, the bathrooms are a bit heavenly, too....

 We saw the Halloween Half marathon hearse and got a little crazy...

I love the look on Amy's face!

 The girls of van 2.

 Like something out of Tron...so said one of the van 1 guys.

 The morning after.

 Not every day you get to take a picture of your BFF and your sister...can I get a collective "Ahhhh..."

 Me and Melanie. Mel rocked Ragnar and I can't imagine not having her with us!

Me and my hubba hubba husband.

 Van 1. Sam, Mike, Linda, Kelly, Tracy, Brandon. They rocked.

What van 1 wrote on their window. I'm pretty sure they were having a great time when they wrote this...

 The only time the whole team is together. Hopefully we will have a better copy soon...