My poor little neglected blog! I think about writing posts and then I get overwhelmed and don’t write anything. Mostly because I don’t want to sound sad or mopey, but I kind of am. Sigh.
It’s kind of strange having a parent die. You join this club: the fatherless, or the motherless. Hopefully it isn’t both, and hopefully it isn’t too early in life. My dad was close to 70, but I still feel sad he didn’t have more years to enjoy this life. A few years before he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he had kind of a break down. It changed his life for the better, but I think it was hell for him to go through at the time. I can remember having a conversation with him where he told me that a few days before, he had gone around to a few of the cemeteries where his parents and grandparents were buried. He said something to the effect that his people lived long lives, and since he had a lot of years left in him, he was going to make sure they were good years. He changed. But, despite his hopes, he still got sick within 2 years of this pronouncement.
I am sad he didn’t get those years he had expected.
I think about him so much. I thought that I thought a lot about him while he was here; I would imagine him sleeping in his bed, away from home, silent and trapped. My heart would ache for him. But he was still in a place I could imagine, I could still touch him if I wanted to. But now I can’t visit him or touch him or imagine where he is, and I think about him all the time. I know he’s around, because I’ve felt him, but I still don’t know his reality. I wonder if he misses us. I hope that he isn’t lonely without his family around him. Hopefully being with his parents is a good consolation. And Steve, my brother-in-law. He and Steve have probably had a few good (possibly inappropriate!) laughs by now.
So yeah, I’m sad. I know he’s in a better place, but I just miss him. Maybe it’s because he’s himself again for the first time in so long, and I know I’m missing out on being with that dad. I think about the morning that he died and our lovely laughing moment in the Cracker Barrel and I know he was laughing with us.
I just didn’t realize how much I would miss him. Or how high the dues were to join The Fatherless Club. (Look at me being melodramatic.) I know a lot of choice people in this same club, so I have good company. But it doesn’t make it easier. Maybe you just never stop missing them.
3 comments:
I have never stopped missing Grandma, or Grandpa either. But this does feel different. Maybe because we're grown up? I don't know.
I didn't know you had that conversation with Dad. It makes me sad because it was all just unfair. I wish he would have had more good years. Gah, I hate that disease!
Anyway. It was lovely to talk to you this morning!
I'm so sorry, Beck. I know my mom misses my grandma just as much today as when she died 15 years ago. And I know Tanner will never recover from his loss. I know it's a never-ending ache to lose a parent. I just can't imagine what it would feel like because I haven't been there yet. I hope you know you can talk to me anytime, even though I don't really get it. And I love to read your writings about your dad. :) Hugs!
You will always miss him and it's ok to be sad. Just remember all the people around you that love and support you. It's especially hard during milestone events and holidays. I've missed my mom most of my life. Your mind takes you down the path of what would they look like.., be like now...it's not fair etc.
Sorry now I'm whining. Love you and you're not alone.
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