Friday, January 31, 2014

The persistent inner critic

I've been thinking a lot lately about an Idea I have. I've been waiting and wanting an Idea for a very long time, and now that I finally have one, it scares the crap out of me.

I'm reading a book right now - Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell - which is a fairly fluffy book about some twins in their first year of college. But it's also a book about writing, which is pretty interesting, reading about writing. And as I'm reading, I'm thinking about how the writer unfolds the story, how she holds back information and then, when she gives it, it's interesting and timely and clever. Which makes me think of myself, and how I'm not very good at being coy, and it makes me wonder if, with my Idea, I need to be a different person in order for it to work.

Because that is what I do - I put all my eggs in a basket, or should I say Basket, and I pin all my dreams on it, and before I even put one actual egg in an actual basket, I talk myself out of it, tell myself it sucks and will never go anywhere, and I fail before I start. I want so much to stop talking about ideas, I want to actually have them and make them into realities. But I'm a very committed type of person (to certain things.) and so if I have an Idea, it has to be the best idea ever. I have to throw all my heart and soul into it. If the Idea fails, or doesn't pan out, then I'm a failure, and I can't ever have another Idea again.

I just want to shake myself. I'm annoyed at my lack of action about my Idea, but I fear that if I start my Idea and encounter resistance, it will spell its death. It's keeping me from trying. Of taking that first little step. Because everything inside me is saying that I'm not smart, talented, persistent, clever enough. It's saying I don't have enough time. It's saying I don't have the right background or worldview. My inner critic scoffs at everything I come up with, and yet my brain still keeps wandering over the Idea, trying to make it work. And then I look at other people who I know have had successful ideas and I'm jealous and I think, if they can do it, I can, but I still hold back.

Ugh. I just need to get over myself and have a tiny amount of hope. But it seems impossible to find in due to the critic in my head who just won't. shut. up.


Amy Sorensen said...

We should each goad the other into working on our Ideas.


You are a big chicken. :)

Rebecca Ferguson said...

You should do it!