Saturday, June 7, 2008

Do you remember the Cure song about Saturday night and the tap dripping and him crying for yesterday? The only part I can conjure up in my head is the part where he says, "And the tap drips, dripdripdripdripdripdrip...." and so on. There's also the U2 song that has the line, "There is a silence that comes to a house when no one can sleep. I guess it's the price of love; I know it's not cheap."

These are the songs that come to my head as I sit at 2:49 am on my computer, my sleeping household unaware of my inability to sleep. I have so much CRAP rolling through my head from stuff from the past 2 days that I can hardly stand being in my own skin. Do you know this feeling? All the people I've talked to and probably offended with my inappropriate words & responses & my bad attitude & all the things I should & shouldn't have said are just running wild around in my mind, like some crazed free-range chicken.

It seems like there is so much going on, big and small, around me that I don't know how to take it all in. There's my dad. And my mom. I don't want to write too much, I don't want to be indiscreet, but believe me, I could write volumes about my frustrations there. Then a conversation I had with a family member that I feel like I did more harm than good, and gave some incredibly vague and unhelpful advice. And then the friend I feel that I bowled over today with my own selfishness. And the extremely nice man at the church carnival tonight, who tried to make a connection and ended up getting a response from me that he totally didn't deserve. I feel like I have a list of people to call tomorrow to apologize to, a list that grows longer as I evaluate myself over the past 24 hours.

This probably all sounds a little crazy. Maybe this little post will disappear in a poof of smoke shortly after I wake up tomorrow morning (or maybe it won't.) But I needed SOMEWHERE to get it all out, you know? Because it's all just rattling around up there, and annoying me, the way that tap drips and drips on into infinity.

And the silence of not sleeping screams in my ears, but not loud enought to drown out my self- remonstrations.


Amy Sorensen said...

Every time it's 10:15, and someone says it's 10:15, I follow up with "on a Saturday night, and the tap drips..."

I am with you in your frustration. If I stop to think about The Issues in Our Family I get a little bit insane. This morning I opened my mouth to talk to Kendell, and then I literally just SHUT IT. I can't even deal with bitching about it, you know??? I mean, get me started, and I can't stop. It is maddening-frustrating and I don't really know what to do.

So...I get it. Empathy is all I can offer because answers? They are just too damn ellusive. Plus, I told you: it makes me want to swear. NEED to swear. HOLY *(&%*(#!!!

I hope you were able to get SOME sleep, though!

Melanie said...

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who does this. I let things that I've said or done drive me crazy as I beat myself up over and over. The thing is, I bet you really haven't offended people the way you think. You're just not like that. Hope you're feeling better today. And thanks for the call about the trees. See what a nice person you are?

Ginger said...

I do the SAME thing. The words play over and over in my head until I am probably changing it in my head and it is not how it really even was. Don't you hate that? Well, I hope you get a nap today because you are probably tired.