The persistent inner critic

I've been thinking a lot lately about an Idea I have. I've been waiting and wanting an Idea for a very long time, and now that I finally have one, it scares the crap out of me.

I'm reading a book right now - Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell - which is a fairly fluffy book about some twins in their first year of college. But it's also a book about writing, which is pretty interesting, reading about writing. And as I'm reading, I'm thinking about how the writer unfolds the story, how she holds back information and then, when she gives it, it's interesting and timely and clever. Which makes me think of myself, and how I'm not very good at being coy, and it makes me wonder if, with my Idea, I need to be a different person in order for it to work.

Because that is what I do - I put all my eggs in a basket, or should I say Basket, and I pin all my dreams on it, and before I even put one actual egg in an actual basket, I talk myself out of it, tell myself it sucks and will never go anywhere, and I fail before I start. I want so much to stop talking about ideas, I want to actually have them and make them into realities. But I'm a very committed type of person (to certain things.) and so if I have an Idea, it has to be the best idea ever. I have to throw all my heart and soul into it. If the Idea fails, or doesn't pan out, then I'm a failure, and I can't ever have another Idea again.

I just want to shake myself. I'm annoyed at my lack of action about my Idea, but I fear that if I start my Idea and encounter resistance, it will spell its death. It's keeping me from trying. Of taking that first little step. Because everything inside me is saying that I'm not smart, talented, persistent, clever enough. It's saying I don't have enough time. It's saying I don't have the right background or worldview. My inner critic scoffs at everything I come up with, and yet my brain still keeps wandering over the Idea, trying to make it work. And then I look at other people who I know have had successful ideas and I'm jealous and I think, if they can do it, I can, but I still hold back.

Ugh. I just need to get over myself and have a tiny amount of hope. But it seems impossible to find in due to the critic in my head who just won't. shut. up.

Siena

If I were to ever pick up my family and move to an Italian city, I would live in Siena. I loved everything about Siena. There is a tradition that says that Romeo and Juliet's fateful story was based on a tale that was originally situated in Siena.

What I liked most about Siena is the history, and the big/small feeling of it. It was big enough to feel like a city, but small enough to feel like a place you could call home. Historically, Siena was divided into 17 different wards or contrade which vied for importance and power. When a person was born into their contrade, they were a member of it for life. One didn't leave their contrade for anything; people who did were considered traitors. I liked the idea of a group of people all watching over you from birth to baptism to marriage to death. I can compare it to wards in the LDS church, who have a similar function - being geographic in nature, but also providing social structure and support.

City on a Hill - Siena

Our tour of Siena started near a cathedral that was built for the poor people (the tour guide actually told us this!) The Basilica of San Domenico itself was awesome. While not much to look at from the outside, the inside was filled with light. It also has the distinction of housing the head of St. Catherine of Siena. Her actual head is in a chapel that bears her name. Luckily the head is covered in wax so it doesn't look too gruesome, although I could see her teeth clearly, which were her real teeth, so a bit creepy. But this was a beautiful church. No photos were allowed though;
but here is a picture the chapel, and a link with a picture of Catherine (at the very bottom of the page.)

Basilica of San Domenico

Another view of San Domenico

Next we walked through the streets of the old part of Siena. They are windy, just like all Italian towns. 

It started to be a familiar thing to see a gorgeously gray and white striped Duomo. I liked the baptistry more than the Duomo - its entrance is built into the side of the hill that the Duomo sits on top of. Seriously, it gets exhausting after a while to keep turning corners and seeing such beauty coming at your from everywhere. Italy is ridiculously beautiful.

This staircase was one of my favorite details.

I tried over and over to get a good selfie. There were some locals watching me take these who seemed quite amused.

A few more twisty streets and you are at the Duomo.

So, part of the history of Siena is about the twins Romulus and Remus, who were raised by a wolf.  Romulus went on to found Rome, and Remus founded Siena. A beautiful fountain with friezes of the twin's story was in the Piazza del Campo (the main piazza for Siena). Amy and I found some gelato and checked out the fountain. Oh and I took some selfies of my feet (feet selfies? felsies? Not sure of the correct terminology on this one.)

I love the little details in the buildings of places we visited.

Later, we walked back to the bus. We got back to our hotel in Montecatini and ate dinner with Mom and Suzette and heard about their day. Our hotel was beautiful. Our room looked out onto a courtyard above the pool. We had a beautiful window in the bathroom and a giant jetted tub. And each of the three nights we spent here, we would open the window. The second night there was an amazing thunder storm. I've never heard thunder that loud before!

I like this mirror selfie of mom, Amy and me.

The dining room was super formal. Every night there was a 4 course dinner. The salad course was a buffet - there were such yummy salads! Then we had our pasta course - it was always yummy, although we did have a yummy lentil soup on of the nights. For the main courses we had thin slices of veal, and the next night was fish with delicious chick peas cooked in olive oil. And the deserts were delicious - the best tirimisu that I'll ever eat.

Breakfast was always lovely as well. Every morning I had a pastry, brioche, some sort of cold thinly sliced ham, yummy cheeses, hard boiled eggs. And blood-red orange juice. Delicious!

San Gimignano

One of my favorite places we visited was called San Gimignano. It is a little town off the beaten path, a walled city that boasts its many towers, medieval architecture, and unspoiled views of the Tuscan countryside. Walking through the walls onto the town's main thoroughfare is like walking back in time. It wasn't my favorite place (that is a toss-up between Rome and the town of Siena, which I have yet to blog about.), but the hours that our group spent here were some I will never forget.

My mom and Suzette had stayed back at our hotel in Montecatini, so Amy and I were on our own. We followed our group up the main road towards the two piazzas at the top - Piazza della Cisterna and Piazza Duomo. The road is lined with shops on both sides which sold everything from olive wood cutting kitchen utensils to ceramics to delicious delis with boar's head salami to a torture museum (I wish we had had time to tour that!).

Torture museum. I like the skeleton...

At the top, it opens up into the main piazzas. We spent a little bit of time in the Piazza Duomo. The church wasn't free so we didn't tour it, but we sat on the steps leading up to the church and ate gelato and watched the vendors setting up their stores for the day on long tables. There were two adorable little girls with brown curly hair who were selling styrophome  headbands and bracelets. They were happy and gleeful and beautiful.

Duomo

The Piazza Duomo

Piazza della Cistern (the cistern, a well that was famous, was always covered in people, so I didn't get a good picture of it.)

Amy and I spent time shopping and then ate boar's head salami and cheese sandwiches as we admired the countryside outside San Gimignano.

Not pictured: the bees that desperately wanted this sandwich.

I really enjoyed my time here. I think it would be a very hard place to live - it's mostly tourists who visit, and I can't imagine what children and teenagers who grew up here would do with themselves. But I would love to visit here again and spend more than a few hours wandering its twisty streets.

Twisty streets

And, because I have a hard time not sharing photos, here are some more.

Sigh, so beautiful.

In case you wondering, this is what I look like holding a sword.