I don’t usually write much about my faith. I feel like it is personal, and I don’t want to put myself out there and say things that could be read as trite or silly or inconsistent. But I feel like I have grown lately, and I feel like I want to put it on my blog, just so there is a record of it somewhere other than in my head and my heart.
A lot of times I feel like I just go through the motions of church. I go, I try to pay attention to the speakers, try to get something out of their messages. If I can, I hide in the back corner during meetings, except for during Sacrament. There, Thomas, Ben and I are front and center; seriously, the FRONT row. I don’t know why, but it’s our place, and I defend it fiercely. But in Sunday School or Relief Society, I happiest where I can sit and be invisible in the back, writing in my journal (where is a better, quieter place to write than in church? It’s bad, I know, but hey, you take peace wherever you can!), or watching those around me. I don’t really “put myself out there” in any way. If I have a friend to sit next to, I sit by them, but it is just as easy to sit alone.
But today, I felt different. I still hid in the back row, but I wasn’t as satisfied. The Gospel Essentials class I have attended for, oh, five years, didn’t quite keep my attention. I sat, thinking that maybe I’m ready to move up, maybe it’s time to take the plunge and try Gospel Doctrine. I know why I am reluctant: I feel conspicuous, like I stick out because I am by myself. But I am no more or no less alone in Gospel Essentials, so why does it matter? There are many other people sitting without a spouse for no other sinister reason than their husband has a Primary calling and they don’t. So my reasoning doesn’t really work. I think I may try it out.
But this blog entry is getting away from me. What I really wanted to write about is how today, I didn’t feel like I was going through the motions. The events of the past few weeks, and the wonderful examples of faith that I have seen made it so that I felt like I was really supposed to be in church today, that I wasn’t treading water for three hours, being inconspicuously or conspicuously alone. I felt like God’s plan was real, and that I have a purpose in it. I felt like the Savior had given me a moment of clarity, a moment that stood out from the mundane, going-through-the-motions type of church attendance and let me see that it really does matter, that I really do belong there.
We are taught gospel principles: that families can be forever, that God has a plan for us, that our trials make us stronger, that the Atonement was for all of us, that God loves us. For me lately, these principles have been real. I have seen people’s faith in God at the darkest times, and seen their gratitude for Him and His plan for them. I have seen them put their lives in His hands and say, I don’t understand why you have given me this, but I will accept it and try to grow from it. That they can do this makes me marvel at them. But I feel these principles as more than principles: they are realities my life, I just have to humble myself enough to let them work for me. I am more grateful to Heavenly Father today and I feel his love and guidance more than I have in a long time. And I know if I can feel it in this degree, my loved ones are being taken care of in ways I can’t imagine. I just have to keep trying, keep watching for the moments of clarity in between all the treading. Hopefully I can see even more.
3 comments:
I really love our Gospel Doctrine class. This year we are going through the New Testament, and its amazing how well our teachers apply the NT to our lives today. If you've been in GE for 5 years, I don't think GD would be too big a leap. And don't worry about being alone, I've been married for 7 1/2 years, and the last 3 months has been about the only time I have been able to sit with Paul during Sunday School, unless we are on vacation.
Interesting---I felt the same way at church yesterday, like it all seemed very much more real and necessary to me. I know what you mean about feeling reluctant to write about it. I find it hard to avoid cliched language when i write about religious/spiritual experiences, maybe because normal language just seems to not be able to express it. I hope you start going to Gospel Doctrine. I think Kendell has come to SS with me three times during our entire marriage, so I am there alone, too! hugs.
Becky, I am so grateful for your post. Isn't it amazing the love Heavenly Father has for us? I have often felt the same way, just going through the motions and not really feasting upon the Gospel, and it is SO NICE to get out of that every once in a while. Sure do love you!
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