Sunday, October 31, 2010


Also known as "the stomach clench."  Of which I am feeling full-force tonight.

I am a working mom. I don't hate working, but the choices that I have to make because of working are hard.  I have always worked. I went back to my job 5 weeks and 2 days after I had Thomas. It was one of the worst days of my life.  Then with Ben I worked until 2 days before I was induced with him and returned a moment/6 weeks 4 days later. Not working has never been an option.  And even thought I am part-time, which means I spend 2 days with my kids each week (an extra 950+ days that I wouldn't have had had I been full-time, which equates to 2 1/2 extra years with Thomas) I still have had to deal with day care for those days when I am at work.

We have run the gamut, day-care wise.  We had family watching Thomas and Ben up until a few months before Thomas went to kindergarten.  This situation ended badly, with family scars that are still very real and very angry.  Sad but true.  We then spent two and half years of daycare bliss with a lovely family in our old ward.  This only ended because the family moved.  

For the past one and a half years we have had a great babysitter.  My kids were very happy there and I think it benefited and blessed each family in turn.  She was the answer to some very, very fervent prayers that happened when I discovered one Sunday morning that the person who had been watching our kids for a few months would no longer be able to watch them (a surprise to her as well.  Life happens, right?)  But recently this babysitter also had things happen in her life that made it necessary for us to search out daycare.  For 3 weeks I have one of my best friends watching the kids, but of course, the house that she has had on the market for 7 months just went under contract (you know, a week after we started to go there. Sigh.  This is hard for me on multiple levels, day care being one of the least.)

So here I am again, searching for a babysitter.  Here I am, whining about it on my blog.  Because I know I have options, good, good options, but all the same, options that make big changes in each of the lives involved.  I am searching my options as we speak, and considering means that haven't been possible in the past.  But change is change and always causes me anxiety and creates a big old knot in my stomach.

I don't know if I can psychologically deal with having my children go into another stranger's home.  I don't know if I can deal with asking people who have established lives to watch my kids.  I know I can't quit my job. I don't really even want to; I'm good at what I do and I have a job that people would kill for.  (Well, maybe not kill for,'s good.  They are very, very good to me.)  And I know that things are going to work out.  Like I say, I have some good options.

But I'm terrible at waiting.  I'm terrible and awkward at asking people to watch my kids.  I feel guilt on so many levels I can't even begin to explain.  So I'll go to sleep tonight with the current knot in my stomach and pray that there is a plan in all of this somewhere.  I know I have decisions to make.  I know it will all work out and we will make it through this last little bit before I have 2 kids in school full time.

However, the suspense just might do me in.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of sending my kids away from home.  I'm tired and anxious.

That is all.  Thanks for letting me whine.


Apryl said...

Ugh, that stresses me out just reading it. It is SO HARD to ask people to babysit. I'm totally with you. I feel bad even asking the YW to give up a weekend night. Good luck, I know it will all work out!

Amy Sorensen said...

Hold on! It WILL get better. I think we need to invent a word that describes the "I need a new daycare option" anxiety. If we lived closer I would help! How bout you just move closer to me??? ;)

HUGS. This wasn't a very well-written comment because I don't have any wise advice. This (finding daycare) was hard for me, too.

Heather said...

Don't worry, I am possitive it will work out :) And I am sure asking is hard but sometimes asking makes it a blessing in someone else's family. So relax. I will call you later.

Jeanette said...

I'm a little late to the game (Been too busy to read my blogs lately dang it!) and hopefully by now you have found that magic solution and found the perfect people to care for your kiddos.

I can only imagine how hard it would be to find daycare for your kids. How do you put the two most priceless things in your life into someone's care without that being gut wrenching.

I grew up as a daycare kid and I have experienced both sides of the fence. I had daycare providers that I remember with love. Women who I know loved me and wanted to do their best for me. And I have experienced women for whom I was just a paycheck and they wanted as little to do with me as they possibly could while I was in their care. And I have experienced worse.

I remember my mom crying because she had to find someone to care for us and how hard that was for her to leave us with someone else.

I know if the Lord is involved you will find the perfect home where your children are cherished and nourished both physically and emotionally. It will be ok. I know it's hard to hand them into someone else's care, but you will find someone who does care and will take good care of them.