Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm still here. And at least I'm not there anymore.

Every single blog post that is rolling around in my head right now is whiny.

There's the one where I write about the 6 or so miles I ran on the Saturday before Christmas. It was a perfect blue wintery day,  right before my favorite day of the year (Christmas Eve Eve.) I ran the brand new trail by my house with friends. I was averaging a sub-10 minute mile on every run, and I'd been upping my regular-run mileage to 4 miles from 3. My running was strong. I was strong. I was feeling fast and confident and boom! Pride took me down in the form of a stupid Christmas tree and gave me exactly 2 months of feeling like a stranger in my body. I'm getting better, but I'm relying on medication to help me which I didn't want to do.

Then there is my back. I hate that I've spent more time walking at the Olympic Oval than I have running the trails and roads I'm accustomed to. I hate that even walking caused me pain - walking? Seriously? I hate using the elliptical machine or a bike because I know they won't hurt my back. I hate having to stand up at a restaurant in regular intervals because the sitting on the chair is unbearable. I hate standing up from my work chair and waiting 10 seconds for my leg to stop throbbing before I can walk. I hate that the first thought I have in the morning is "What is it going to feel like when I stand up?" The constant worry that I will never feel normal again without taking regular doses of anti-inflammatories. Knowing that even tiny amount of core strengthening exercises are hard and will irritate my back. Whine, whine, whine.

There's also the post that I can't write about. Not because I don't have the words or the desire. I just don't have the guts to put it out there. To admit that since the end of October I've gone through something that I never wanted to go through. Something I was happy to let fade away without any angst or conversation or conflict but that came up anyway. I got through it. I survived. I learned. But I hated it. Mentally I was stuck for 3 months in a conversation held in a car in the parking lot of a grocery store in November. I was stuck stuck stuck and had no idea how to get myself out. I finally did, with help from a lot of people, but it was awful. (Sorry for being vague. I know it's annoying.)

I could write about the personality flaws that I keep learning about. The ones that make me realize how far I am from the person I want to be. They include but are not limited to control issues, the inability to say what I want to say to the person that I need to say it to, letting fear get the best of me, taking the round about way to almost everything, fearing what others will think about my actions more than taking care of myself, feeling like a bad parent....should I keep going?

All I really want to do is sit in my house drinking hot chocolate while watching episodes of The Vampire Diaries on my phone. This fall and resulting winter have led me down paths I never imagined I would walk. Looking back is awful. So all I can do is look forward. To the snow in my back yard finally melting and my tulips blooming and warmer days and runs where I don't think the entire time about the possibility of my back crumpling and then falling in a heap and being unable to get myself home. I never worried about that before.

I want my life back. I want to find my way to where things feel real and safe again.


Melanie said...

I'm tearing up reading this. I want you to feel good again, too. I hate that you're having back issues. It's not fair. (I hate it when people say that, but really it's not.) You take care of your body and exercise and you shouldn't have anything holding you back!

I hope everything starts looking up as we move into spring. I think we're all hoping that in some way. (((hugs)))

heidikins said...



Lucy said...

Love you, Becky. I hope getting it out, even vaguely, helps you continue to mend. Back pain is a downer. Hugs and cyber chocolate to you!

Jeanette said...

It's been a hard couple of months for you. Sorry about the back pain, I hope it gets better soon!

Britt said...

Becky, I'm so sorry you're dealing with hard things right now. I don't know the specifics nor the extend of it, but please know that you'll be in my thoughts. In fact, I was at City Creek today, and I was wondering if you were at work, and if I could possibly contact you and say, "Hey! Come for a walk with me!" but then I looked at my three kids (one with freshly peed pants) and thought, who would want to walk through a public place with the likes of us?? But still, I was thinking about you!

Christine Selander said...

((Hugs)) Love you! You're an amazing strong woman and even though I don't know the details of your hardships, I know you will be able to make it through and come out stronger. I also know you're not alone and have many people who love and support you. This includes me - call me anytime. I'd do anything for you.