Wednesday, November 30, 2011

50 Gratitudes

So my lovely sister Amy posted 50 things she was grateful for. As I've always copied everything she does (hello - we had the same major, did the same sport, listened to the same music, the list goes on and on) I'm going to list my 50 things I'm grateful for.

1 - My job. I've been at my job for almost 12.5 years. In June I will have spent as much time there in my life as I did in public school. I love what I get to do - mostly playing with Excel spreadsheets and looking at data, with a little bit of writing & editing thrown in for good measure. I feel at home there and I feel so, so lucky that I get to go to work there each week. They've even let me be part-time for over 10 years - how cool is that.

2 - My house. I'm glad I have a warm place to sleep at night. I'm glad I have a place for my stuff and my kids stuff. I love the memories that we've made here. It's still strange, living in a different house, but I feel incredibly blessed that I get to live where I live. My kids have the same friends and go to the same school and I'm in the same stake.

3 - Shane's job. He is so happy at his new job. The last job, while not ideal in many ways, forced him to grow in so many positive and amazing ways. It gave him a confidence that he didn't know he could have. He's taken that confidence into this new job and it's so exciting to see him succeed. Plus, it's only 3 miles from driveway to parking lot. He has an extra 1.5 hours now in his day that he used to spend driving to work. I love it. I'm excited to see him grow even more with his new company.

4 - Running. I can't say much here that I haven't already said. In my previous life, when I was young and single and free, I danced. When I quit dance, I didn't think I would ever find an activity that would make me feel as connected to my body, but I did, thanks to running. It makes it so I can drink soda. It makes me happy. It gives me freedom that makes me feel young. I am a better person after I get my run over. I can't imagine life without it and I hope hope hope I never have to live without it.

5 - Grandpa Bob. I have married into some very wonderful grandparents. I have spent more time in my life talking with Shane's grandpa than I ever did my own grandpas. I talk to him every Monday night. I love him. It is an amazing thing to have a grandpa. Their love is unlike any other. He misses his dear wife so much, and although I will miss him very very much when he goes, I will be so happy for him to reunite with her.


6 - My iPod. I've talked about the progression of my listening attire before. But for the past year I've been running with a nano and I love it more than I can say. I love that I have every song in my library. I love that I have songs on it that I've ran to or that are from my past or that I'm still making new memories with. I use it to keep track of my runs (love the Nike+!) I would be a sad sad girl without my iPod.

7 - Thomas. He pushes me in ways that I didn't know I could be pushed. We are so much alike sometimes I want to scream. And then other times he reminds me exactly of my dad - they eat the same, they have the same carefree attitude. I love him so very much. I am grateful that he is patient with me, because I am still learning how to be his mom. I worry that one day he will be a grumpy teenager and my happy-go-lucky boy will be all moody and lose that special spark that he holds. He has a very special mission to fulfill in this life and I am very grateful to be the one to watch him.

8 - Benjamin. Ah, Ben. He is the sweetest, meanest child alive. He can kill you with his sweetness and then turn around and kick you in the shins for slighting him in the smallest way. He is a hard worker and is motivated to do things well. He is still (and will always be) my baby. I am proud of him in the past few months with learning to read. I will miss the days when we don't sit together and read the sweet little books he brings home from school.

9 - Prayers, and that they are answered. Nuff said.

10 - My mom. It is interesting how our relationship has changed and grown since my dad's passing. I feel this responsibility for her that wasn't there to the same degree when my dad was alive, even when he was in the rest home. I am grateful for all the things she has taught me to do in this life, and for the mom she has been. I love her.


11 - Sewing. I haven't sewn much at all this year, but I dearly love it. I love making something out of pretty fabric. It is wonderful having a creative outlet and developing my talents.

12 - Technology. Back in the 80's they had the Book of Mormon on cassette tape, but today, I can walk around my house listening to them on a device not much bigger than a stamp. And thanks to the lds.org website, I have access to all the scriptures to listen, read, or both. I love that I have listened to the Book of Mormon more than I have actually read it. I try and listen almost every day at work which is a lot more successful than my reading them on my own at home. I am so grateful that I have the ability to listen in a way that works for me. It is also how I listen to Conference, since I am very bad at getting through all 4 televised sessions. I listen to them on my own time. It makes me happy.

13 - Grocery stores. How lucky are we that if we want or need food, we only have to drive a little ways and get some? On Thanksgiving, I ran into a neighbor waiting in line for an X-box. He and the people around him laughed when I said I was there for butter. It's true that there were no long lines last Thursday for butter, but there are people who wait in lines for food that is less appealing than butter and are grateful for it. I hope that me or my children never have to stand in a line for hours waiting for butter or bread or flour.

14 - Vacations. There isn't any better family time than time on vacation. Sure, the kids get tired of being in the car. Sure I end up spending way too much money on something. But the togetherness and lack of outside distractions make vacations a little bit of heaven. I am so grateful we have had some nice ones in the past few years.

15 - The arts. Dance, art, music, photography - I love it all. I used to debate the arts against sports with my friends at work. I know that both are necessary, but I love how the arts enhance our lives and help take us to a different place, a more refined space.

16 - My sisters. I love them all very much. I have spent most of my life looking up to all of them for different reasons. I love that I can call them and tell them what is on my mind without filters. I love that even when we don't see eye to eye we still love each other. I am grateful for each of them and for the way that they have enhanced my life for the better. Michele, Suzette, Amy - I love you. I am glad we get to spend our lives with this most special of relationships with each other.

17 - My nieces. Kayci, Lyndsay, Jacqui, Britteny, Breann, Haley, Madison - they are all so beautiful to me. I have watched these little girls grow up nearly my whole life (I was only 11 when the oldest was born.) I have loved being their aunt. I was able to spend a lot of time with all of them before I got married, and I treasure those memories. I've played barbies with most of them. I've changed each of their diapers. I am grateful for each of them.

18 - My nephews. Zack, Jake, Nathan, Kaleb - they are awesome. I have watched them and tried to imagine my boys at their ages. Coming from all girls and all nieces for the first 20 years of my life - boys were an eye-opening experience. But I am so glad that each of them have come into my life. I love all of them for their very boy-ness - rambunctious, wild, loud, and incredibly sweet though they may be.

19 - Reading. I would be lost without books in my life. It is troublesome when I am without a good book for an extended amount of time. I love all the worlds that books have allowed me access to. I feel that I am a better person, that I understand a bit more about the human condition thanks to books. I know I will never ever read all of the wonderful books out there, but I'm going to leave this world doing my damnedest to try.

20 - My dad. I immediately think of my dad when I think of my love of reading. He would read about anything you put in front of him. He's the only person I know whose actually read Les Mis, unabridged. I am glad he was my dad. I see the pictures of him from the last days and months of his life come up on my computer all the time. I don't recognize that man - I've almost forgotten how we was when he was when he was sick. I remember the real him a lot better. I recently read some letters that he and his best friend wrote to each other over the course of a few years. I sobbed the entire time I was reading, because I finally heard his voice again. I finally could remember how he sounded and his quirky humor. Reading those few letters made me wish so much he had a journal I could read. Not so I could know his secrets, but just so his voice could live on after him. It was like that scripture from the Book of Mormon when they talk about a voice crying from the dust. I miss him. I hope he left this world knowing that I was grateful to have had him for a father.

21 - And to follow that up, I am grateful for writing. I don't often write in my journal, but I do make an entry here and there on a Sunday when I'm bored in Sunday School. But, I am still grateful for my blog and the journals I do have and for the opportunities I have to write. I hope that one day my leftover words will bring me back to my loved ones. But even if they don't, I love that writing gives me a way to really express myself well. I can write something I feel much better than I can ever verbalize it. I'm not afraid of writing.

22 - My great-nieces and nephews. Grace, Jayven, Angel Glenn, Claire, Lukas, Kaisen, Lucy, Christian, Josie, Oakley and Grant (who I haven't met yet!) remind me of their moms so much. I think it is extra special to get to see the little people you knew and loved become big and obtain their own little people. I know that I can't exactly duplicate the relationships I had with their moms, I am still so happy that each of these sweet spirits came to earth to be in our family.

23 - Hot chocolate. Every morning of my life I drink a cup of hot chocolate. I love its chocolatey goodness. On mornings when I run first thing, I usually will drink a cup right before I head out. It gives me a little bit of energy and keeps me from feeling sick or hungry. My favorite way to drink it is after my kids are at school when I'm curled up on the couch with a cat and a blanket, looking at the internet (oh wait, I'm doing that right now!)

24 - My girls in SDBBE. As other posts have mentioned, we have a special bond. I love each of these wonderful ladies. Thanks for keeping my secrets Britt, Amy, Isabel, Jeanette, and Apryl, and thank you for sharing yours.
5 of the 6 of us SDBBErs.


25 - Blogging friends. I love the relationships I've made with complete strangers over the years. The windows into others lives that blogging creates is awesome. It's expanded my world in so many ways. Even when I don't comment, I am happy to be a part of so many wonderful people's triumphs and heartaches. Thanks for sharing your lives with me.

26 - Rebecca. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life when Rebecca isn't my friend. We have stuck together through high school, college, our 20's and now over half of our 30's. I can tell her anything and she will still love me. I love her and am so glad our friendship is intact, despite our distance.

27 - Melanie. Melanie and her family are almost like my family. We have spent countless evenings together, watching shows, talking, baking, eating, complaining, and laughing. They are the perfect couple friends for us. They will be moving this summer and I am so sad. But I know our friendship will weather this, although I will dearly miss watching her children grow up. Melanie and I understand each other in a very unique way and we lean on one another so much. I am so glad I have her in my life.

28 - Shelly. I once called Shelly my "neighbor" and I never heard the end of it. She used to be my neighbor, but it was always much more than that. Her kids were my kids default playdates for most of their lives. I am so glad I have a friend in Shelly. We never have to be polite with each other (although we usually are.) But we understand if someone has to race to get off the phone, mid-coversation. I can tell her when I think her ideas are wacky and she reciprocates by telling me mine are too. I still hate that she moved across the valley from me. But I will always have a friend in her, and I'm so glad.

29 - Online banking. I know - it's kind of weird, but I love that I can see my checking account from the comfort of my home. I can balance my credit card statement without any paper or pencils. I think all this technology is the best thing since sliced bread. Not that I was old enough to remember a time before sliced bread, but I imagine things sucked back then in the olden days.

30 - The library. My library branch is one of my favorite places in the world. I am so grateful for a county library system that is so convenient, technologically advanced, and rich in literary gems. I love that I can download songs for frees and not be ripping anyone off. I would be lost without it.

31 - My cats. Sure they hack up fur balls on my carpet when they are 1.5 inches from a hard surface. Sure I have one that eats paper and leaves it for me as offerings of her love. Sure they meow crazily in the middle of the night. But I love my three furballs. I am glad they roam my house and let me pet them once in a while.

32 - My kids friends. They are wonderful at entertaining my children. I should seriously pay them.

33 - My babysitter. Heather - you are a lifesaver. I don't know what we would have done over the past year without you. Heather jumped in to take care of my kids without a moment's hesistation. I love that we have a friendship and an understanding with each other. I love that my kids are happy at her house and that they have fun while they are they. It warms my little working-mom's heart to know that my kids are well-taken care of while I am otherwise engaged.

34 - My cell phone. Not the phone itself, but what it allows me to do. I can text my sisters. Texting requires no introduction, no blahblahblahblabbityblahblah before you get to the point. It's okay to just ask for what you need in a text, give a thank you and a sideways smiley face and go on your way. But it's also a fun and entertaining way to stay in touch with others. I also love that I can talk with my loved ones while I am driving the kids to karate or on my way to work. Cell phones are the bomb-diggity.

35 - Central heat and air. Life would really suck without these. Even though this guy says we should open up our windows to save the planet, I'm still glad I have access to both. Call me selfish.

36 - Karate. My kids have been doing it for a year now, and I'm very grateful for it. It gives them a reason to be active. It teaches them discipline in a way that I can't. I just like that they are invovled in something - my experiences growing up in gymnastics taught me concepts that I have allowed me to succeed in life. I am hoping that karate will do the same thing for my children.



37 - Nice days without wind. The wind always blows at my house. I love it when we get a calm day.

38 - Music. Songs are like little time capsules. They can take me back to a moment so clearly. A good song nearly almost always makes me want to run fast - and how cool is that? It gets me through my hard times, my bored times, it feels my home with a special spirit, and helps me complete my housework. Life would be dull indeed without the wonderful influence of music.

39 - My neighbors. I have some great neighbors here in my new house and I had many in my old house, too. Neighbors are your first line of defence - they are the ones with a can of chicken soup when you need it, with a minute to grab your kid off the street when you are running late. I would be lost without my neighbors and I am grateful for each of them.

40 - Service. I am a better person when I get out of my comfort zone and do something for someone else. It makes me happy and I love the blessings that come from giving service.

41 - Cafe Rio's Vanilla Coke. It is the best mixture in the entire world. I crave it on a daily basis.

42 - Dining establishments. I would be lost without places like Cafe Rio, Costa Vida, Sampan Chinese, 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, Chilis, and Iggy's. Eating out is like a ritual for us around here, and I am so blessed that I have so many awesome choices close by.

43 - Flannel. There is nothing better than cozy flannel for making a baby blanket. I also love my flannel sheets, my boys flannel blankets, and anything that makes me warm and comfy.  My husband claims I cannot do anything if I am the least bit cold (and he is partly right. I hate being cold.)

44 - Shane. I love him more than I can say. I am so proud of the person he is. He is my very best friend and I'm so glad that the universe conspired so that we could meet and (eventually) get married. He is a great dad and a great friend and a person that I love and respect a lot.


45 - My Nike fleece jacket. It is like my armor. I have worn it as much as humanely possible since I got it almost a year ago and I still can't get enough of it. I love the thumb holes in the sleeves. I love that it zips. I love that I can wear it on a run and attain the perfect temperature. I wish I had about 5 more so that I could wear a freshly laundered one each day. But the one I have is perfect. Thank you, Nike, for making such a marvel of jacketing technology.

46 - My running shoes. They get me where I need to go. I abuse them weekly and they don't run away from me.

47 - My church. I love it. It's the perfect church for me. I am so glad I get to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. I believe in it with all my heart.

48 - Jesus. I will never be able to repay him. I am so grateful for the life he has given me.

49 - Ragnar. It's my Christmas in June. I look forward to it each year with every bit of myself. I can't wait to run it again this year with so many people I love, and some new friends too.

50 - Flip flops. Winter, summer, spring or fall - they help my feet get through it all. And really, as long as there aren't 10 foot snow drifts, there aren't many days that you absolutely can't wear flip-flops. You know you agree with me.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Gratitude 9: The memories...

Before I get myself into a haze of Christmas excitement and business, I want to remember a few things from this Thanksgiving:

  • Going on an awesome run with my husband on Thanksgiving Day. It was cold and windy and wonderful to be out burning some calories so I could get my pie on later.
  • Being able to sleep in so many days with my family. Thomas and Ben slept on the couch every night. I kind of love the couch sleeping and kind of hate it. I wish they were in their beds, but am glad they are having fun together and making their own memories of the holiday.
  • Getting teary at the Thanksgiving table when I thought of my dad. I had wished I was able to visit his grave that day. I felt a little close to him for a brief second as I thought and told all the things I was grateful for
  • Eating dinner with my in-laws. My mother-in-law did so much work and made us such a yummy dinner. Her mother-in-law and sister-in-law were also there, two very sweet ladies. We had a small crowd (only 8 of us), but there was a lot of love and affection for everyone at the table.
  • Seeing a neighbor at Walmart at 7:00 pm in the freezer section, waiting for an X-box. He asked me what I was there for, and laughed at my answer: butter.  I didn't want to have to brave Walmart the next day when it was crazy and all Black-Friday-y.
  • Being woken up at 8:30 am when my kids dragged all the Christmas stuff up from the basement so they could decorate the Christmas tree. We had set it up the night before sans decorations. I modified a few of the decorations, but mostly left it. They will always remember decorating the tree all by themselves.
  • Eating Thanksgiving part two with my mom on Friday night. I sent her off to a singles dance about an hour after dinner was over. Man, how things come back full circle. It was fun to send her off to a night of fun and adventure.
  • My kids getting excited when our awesome friend Heather found Just Dance 3 at a Black Friday sale. We all shook our booties multiple times to Dynomite (thanks, Taio Cruz!), and Shane and I showed them how to really do the running man. We've got nothing but awesome at 90's dance moves sent to C & C Music Factory rip-offs.

It was an awesome Thanksgiving. I felt so blessed to have so many people who I love to spend my weekend with. I hope your Thanksgiving was awesome!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Gratitude 8: The smells of Thanksgiving...

I've just spent the last 6 hours enjoying some of my favorite smells. They include:


  • Butter, flour, and salt when making a pie crust

  • Scalding milk cooling with the help of butter and sugar for crescent rolls

  • Fresh grated lemon while cooking the pudding for a lemon meringue pie. This pie is the only reason I have cornstarch in my pantry - I use it once a year.

  • Egg whites and sugar for meringue 
  • Sweet potatoes boiling on the stove

  • A nice pizza for dinner (okay, that isn't Thanksgiving, but I wasn't about to make dinner after baking two pies and a batch and a half of rolls.)
Here are my pies. Apple crumble and lemon meringue. (Sorry about the apple pie picture - it's in my garage between a bag of wood chips and a baseball mitt. The garage is warmer than the fridge but cooler than my house!)



And no post is complete without a picture of the mess and a self-portrait.




It's only 9:52, everything is done and cleaned up and I'm hanging out, excited for tomorrow. I love Thanksgiving Eve. I'm grateful for the tradition of it - the recipes that are both new and old, the knowledge that my mom, sisters, and nieces are making the same recipes, the feeling of excitement for the holiday tomorrow. The only glitch for tonight was when I discovered that the beater was stuck on my mixer. I thought I was doomed, but some WD40 did the trick after 10 minutes of frenetic trying and everything was back to normal.

The recipes:

Crescent Rolls

1T yeast
1/2 cup warm water
2 c milk
1 1/3 cubes butter
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs
1t salt
4-5 cups flower.

Mix the yeast with the warm water and 1t sugar. Set aside.

Scald your milk. Remove from heat and add sugar, butter, and salt. Beat eggs. Add milk and yeast mixtures - beat for a while. Add flour 1 cup at a time.  Put in tupperware bowl overnight.  3-4 hours before eating, roll out into 3 circles. Melt some butter and pour over the top of each dough circle. Cut the dough circle into 12 pie-shaped pieces; roll from the outside in and lie on a greased cookie sheet with point side down. Cook at 375 for 12-15 minutes.

Pie Crust
1 1/4 cups flour
1/4 t salt
1/2 cup butter
5-6 T cold water
1T vinegar (I forgot the vinegar this year!)

I like to use I Can't Believe it's Not Butter (even though I hate the name!) When I use it, it somehow turns out perfect - the dough is stretchy but not too stretchy, and the crust is flaky.

I cooked one pie crust to make the lemon meringue because the recipe calls for a pre-baked pie crust. The recipe I use is from the Better Homes and Garden's New Cook Book. For the apple pie, I used 1.5 cans of pie filling and topped it with a recipe of Pie Crumble from the same cook book. I can't wait to have a piece of this pie with some freshly whipped cream tomorrow!


What are your favorite recipes, traditions, or smells for Thanksgiving?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Gratitude 7: Dentists

I went to the dentist today. It's like a badge of some sort to me to be able to go to the dentist and not expect to have any cavities. But last week I got knocked upside the head when my dentist said I had 3 small spots that he'd watch for the next time we met. Since we will be changing insurance in January, I'll also be changing dentists, so I figured I might as well have him fill the small cavities while I could.

(BTW - do you trust your dentist? Mine has never said in the last 6 years anything that makes me think he just likes to drill, fill, and bill. He's been really conservative with all our teeth, only deciding to do a filling when really necessary. I hate losing that trusting relationship.)

So, I went back today for my fillings. I hate, hate, hate having dental work done (not that anyone in this world loves it, but I don't mind other people's dental work as much as my own, truthfully.) I was nervous as I sat in green dentist's chair with lidocaine on a q-tip shoved in the edges of my mouth. As my mouth went progressively numb and then less numb, I started to worry about the needle. And then, my awesome dentist suggested that I do the fillings without a shot. He said they were so small and superficial he thought he could go super slow with the drill and be able to fill my cavities without numbing me. I thought about it and decided to do it. I really hate shots.

It worked out. I was done in about 20 minutes with only minor pain. Two of the fillings were completely painless and one I just felt in little bits. I still feel like I've lost a badge of honor (my last fillings were before I had children - I was in my early twenties for hell's sake!) but since I wasn't numb for hours afterward, it didn't feel quite as real that I'd just gotten a filling. I imagine that it's kind of like having a baby without an epidural - once it's over, it doesn't hurt anymore, and you don't have to have a nurse walk you to the bathroom to boot. (Not that I would know - but still. Being numb sucks, and so do needles.)

So today I'm grateful for my dentist. I'm sad I have to find a new one. And I have a question. Would you let your dentist drill on you just to avoid a needle stick?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Gratitude 6: Some little things...

Sorry about the maudlin tone of my blog of late. Thanks for sticking around with me being all gloomy.

Anyway, today I just want to note some little things that made me happy today. Like:

  1. Coke. About 3 weeks ago I gave myself a week's break from my current soda break. The break from my break has continued. This is a different way of saying I'm drinking soda like a fiend. Maybe after the holidays I'll have a good reason to give it up again.
  2. I have 2 50% off coupons to Old Navy that are good starting tomorrow. I'm getting a good chunk of my Christmas shopping done - wahoo!
  3. I am loving the word "wahoo" of late. I must have said it 500 times on blog comments, FB comments, emails, you name it. I don't really like it, but it keeps creeping up (see above).
  4. I keep singing The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash. "Oh, the whirlwind is in the thorn trees - it's hard for thee to kick against the pricks." I've said it over and over in my head for 2 days. The song has all this second coming imagery and references to scriptures set to a catchy tune, but still, I'm wanting it to get outta my head already.
  5. I'm getting excited for Thanksgiving. I already know what I want to make - yams, green bean casserole, rolls, a lemon meringue pie and an apple pie. Mostly cause I want to eat all those things myself. And Thanksgiving Eve is just a week away.
  6. I like my fall decorations and have so enjoyed my house decked out in orange-y splendor. But it will be fun in a week and a few days to get out the red, white, and green.
  7. For 5 minutes yesterday, Ben did his reading all by himself. On one hand, it makes me really happy. On the other, I wonder where my baby has gone.
I guess what makes us happy is the tiny details that make each day unique. Today I'm grateful for those things. What little things are you grateful for today?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Gratitude 5: Do overs...

So my last post?  I take it back.  Because for the past two days, I haven't been grateful that my dad has passed on. I miss him. A lot.

Me and my family went to my mom's yesterday to do a few things around her house. Her gutters were full, and she had a blind she wanted hung in her living room. It didn't even occur to me that November at my mom's house means leaves. Lots and lots of leaves. My side of town is still very new-ish. In our old house, we might have filled a garbage sack each year with leaves. But my mom has trees that my dad planted 20+ years ago. A whole lot of leaves had collected on the lawn and the flower beds and on the driveway and everywhere else a leaf could possibly find itself.



So while Shane got his hands dirty in the rain gutters, me and Thomas and my mom and Ben raked and swept and blew the millions of leaves. Luckily, a neighbor was using his lawn mower to suck up the leaves in the front yards of the houses on the street, so a lot of the leaves we raked into piles went with him. The rest were scooped into garbage cans and later garbage sacks.

My dad was there so strongly with me as I worked. I wished so much that I could hear a whisper of him, but I didn't. I just thought about him and how many times he had likely raked the same color and shaped leaves from the same corners of fences and angles of rocks within flower beds. How many times had he bagged the leaves and what did he think about while he did it and where was I when he did it, because I only have one distinct memory of ever raking leaves and it was only because I wanted $20 to take to the Sadie Hawkins dance? Did he like raking leaves? Did he use the rake to gather the leaves into the bag, or did he scoop them all up by hand? So many questions I never asked. I doubt he hated leaf-raking, because he loved his trees. But, like so many other things we never talked about, I can only guess.

The day was a success. Shane finished the gutters, we all did the leaves, and then Shane and I hung the blind. It is the first time my mom has ever had a blind in that window, but it looks fabulous and I feel much better that she has some privacy. We had a lot of fun chatting and moving furniture around and eating pizza. I shared the joke that behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law (not sure if my mom caught than one.) But I missed my dad, and felt bad that my mom has so much house to take care of alone.

I feel like a broken record with all these posts. I echo myself in each one, talking about my dad like running my tongue over and over a painful cavity. I never knew his loss would leave such a giant hole in my life. I prayed for his release for so long, and am now finding out that death, for those left behind, is permanent. Even though I can still feel his influence and I know his spirit lives on, free and whole and healthy, I can't touch him or have any new conversations with him or make him happy in any temporal way. It sucks. I miss him and I mourn the loss of the relationship we could have had here on earth.

So today, I'm grateful for do overs. I can take back what I said, that I'm glad my dad is gone. Although I would never, ever want him to come back in the state he was in when he left this earth, I wish tonight he'd had more good years to spend on this earth. There were life-long friendships he left behind. There was a wife who wanted more time with her healthy husband. There were daughters who still had conversations. There were grandsons who needed to be taught about hunting artifacts in the desert. There were leaves that still needed to be raked and blown and bagged.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Gratitude 4: My earthly father who now lives in heaven

Today, I am grateful that my dad is dead.

My dad's reality for the last 6 years of his life wasn't fun. The few months before Ben was born showed me a dad I didn't know. He was vague. He had a lost, lonely, despairing look in his eyes. I worried about him driving by himself. I worried about the tone that was in his voice: one of hesitation, confusion, a grasping for conversation that was new for a man who usually had more than enough to say. He lost interest and enjoyment with his coffee shop friends - people whom he had spent hours with everyday for years and years. It was awful. I remember that his diagnosis - which came when Ben was 10 months - was awful, but it at least explained why my dad had lost himself in so many strange ways in a year.

We crossed so many milestones. There were the good times after his diagnosis when he knew what was happening but was still with us. I spent Thursday afternoons with him for a few months during this stage. We would go get a coke and drive around my old hometown. We might see a friend or family member and chat with them. He knew who I was, he knew who my kids were, and he showed his love in so many ways - he held the door open for me when we walked in the gas station; he hugged my kids and patted their backs with his large, familiar hands; he said thank you for the tomato-macaroni soup I made him. But he wasn't himself; he didn't see our emotions anymore; I hit myself in the head with the pantry door one day when I was just on my way to go home; I left in tears of sadness and pain, but he couldn't see those emotions. He didn't register Amy's tears one day when we all met with his therapist, seeming shocked when it was pointed out to him that she was crying. He didn't know that my mom's heart was breaking when he left to go live in the rest home and she rested her head on his shoulder and cried. So many tears shed with him unable to understand any of them.

The last few years I both dreaded and loved spending time with him. I put on a cheery face and a happy voice. I told him stuff that we did. I showed him pictures and took his picture and pretended he understood what I was doing and knew who I was. I repeated myself incessantly if I said a phrase that he responded to, even a little, just to see if he would respond again. I tried to do the talking for two, but I knew deep down that there was really only one: me.

But now: I know he knows who I am and hears my words. And that has been the case since August 5, 2011.

He comes me on my runs, putting grasshoppers on the trail to remind me that he is there (I don't know why he chose grasshoppers, but that was his mode of communication a few weeks ago as I ran on the Jordan Parkway.) He comes to my kids birthday parties, an uninvited but welcome guest. He reminds me to watch over my mom and love my sisters. He comes back to me all the time in music and pictures and memories and silly phrases. He has so many hopes for our family's future and he's praying on the other side that those things will come to pass in their time. He sends off his great-grandchildren to this world with a hug and many pats on the back and a silly joke that might border on inappropriate. They leave heaven knowing him. Luckies.

I feel him now more than I ever could when he was trapped inside his mind for so many years, and I am thoroughly, 100% grateful he is able to do that. He missed so much.  He was so limited on earth for so long. I know there was some sort of recompense, some sort of solace for his soul, though I don't know what it was. But now he is free and doesn't have to be bound by the constraints of this world. By dying, he became the father he couldn't be on earth.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Gratitude three: Memories, through a modern filter...

Friday was a singular day. I went to the gynocologist (whee! Nothing like wearing a sheet in front of other grown-ups who still have their clothes on) and then ran a few errands: I've needed to go to the scout store ever since Thomas became a Webelo, and since Tai Pan is right there a few blocks away, I headed over there as well. Just as I got into my car to immerse myself in autumn closeouts and early Christmas decorating spendor, I heard a familiar-yet-not song on the radio: U2's song So Cruel, sung by an unidentifiable-yet-familiar-sounding band. I called the radio station to find out that, in tribute to the 20 years (!) since Achtung Baby came out, the UK magazine Q released a CD full of the Achtung Baby songs sung by cover bands.

Be still my heart.

So Cruel, I found out, was being sung by Depeche Mode. There were other bands modern covers sung by popular modern bands included on the CD. I posted something on Facebook about hearing the song, and within hours I had access to the entire CD. I listened a bit on Friday, but today was my first chance to really listen to AHK-toong BAY-bi Covered .

Achtung Baby was my first ever CD. For reals. I remember buying it from the Shopko where I worked when I was a junior in high school. I listened to it incessantly for months, eventually adding Joshua Tree and Rattle and Hum to my collection. But my first love was Achtung Baby, my favorite song being So Cruel (a song I have only ever heard on the radio twice. Twice in 20 years, seriously?).  I listened to it at a time when I had an interesting group of friends. Most of the boys were a year older than me and most didn't go to my high school. One friend in particular (he was only ever a friend, but he was an awesome guy and we usually had a good time hanging out) always had really good music in his car. He frequently let me drive his car, and since I was in a U2 craze and he didn't mind, they were one of the bands we listened to, along with The Cure, Depeche Mode, Peter Murphy (furthermore, all of which were bands that were sort of inherited tastes thanks to my sister, who was on the forefront of alternative music in the 80's). I have very fond memories of these days; I sort of became myself that year, the personality and struggles and many personal demons were encounters I had during this time. Sort of bitter, but mostly sweet.

So, when I started listening to AHK-toong BAY-bi Covered today, it was a perfect mix of past and present. So Cruel sung by Depeche Mode is a mixture of my own favorite song with overtones of remembering DM's Somebody played at the end of every alternative night at the Ivy Tower mixed with Amy blaring DM's cassette tape of Music for the Masses for an entire winter the year I was in 8th grade.  Brandon Flowers belting out "Sometimes I feel like I don't know, sometimes I feel like checking out - I want to get it wrong!" is me and Amy exchanging emails while I was in Virginia of our favorite song lyrics mixed with my kids yelling "The song maker says it aint so bad; the dream maker's gonna make you mad, the space man says everybody look down - it's all in your mind!" while dancing in my kitchen.  I feel like the covered songs are more enjoyable almost than the originals, because I feel nostalgia of the lyrics and notes sung in voices that fill my ears during my present-day runs: The Killers, The Fray, Snow Patrol, Damien Rice. These are the bands I listen to when I run with my iPod, rather than my 1991 ghetto blaster with radio, double cassette and single CD player (which I still have, thankyouverymuch). But the music is right out of 1991; bringing my 16 year-old-self far closer than a listen to the original Achtung Baby could ever bring.

Today I'm grateful for memories viewed through a different lens; the music is still there, still part of my soul and it dredges up that person who I used to be and still am, allowing me to see her from the person I am today. I'm still her, but she isn't me.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Gratitude Day 2: That fire...

2011 was a big year for racing in my household. In May, I did a half marathon; June - Ragnar; July - Dirty Girl; and in October the Halloween half marathon. There aren't many years that we do this many races, but this year, what with having older kids and family who live near two of the races, things worked out.

A few months ago, I caught sight of a friend from college's announcement she was running a half.  I knew this person hadn't been running for a long time thanks to Facebook (the ultimate voyuer-inator, thank you Dr. Doofenschmirtz.) When she ran her half marathon, I looked up her time via the race's results page. I saw that she ran her half with a time of 2:13.

2:13.

It has stuck with me for months. When I started my training runs in late August, I thought about the 2:13. I got up to the 10-mile mark, took 2 long-run weeks off, and worked back up to 10 miles again, all the while thinking of dear Allison and her 2:13. I thought about all the years I've been running and my two (personally) dismal half-marathon times, both of which were much closer to the 3 hour mark than the 2 hour mark. I let the 2:13 infiltrate my whole being, and when race day came, I was ready.

So, to get me where I wanted to be, I made sure to run with an acquaintance. She was aware of my goal and assured me we would finish in 2:13 or better.  I stuck with her and the 2:10 pacesetter (who crossed the starting line after me; grr!) like glue. I used the visualization the pacesetter told me of imagining myself running on pillows during the first 5-mile steep descent. I pushed myself through the honeymoon miles of 6-10, and then wanted to curse my garmin girl and her incessant cheery-ness and tendency to speed up during water stations just at the moment I was slowing down. I let her go at mile 11, knowing I had to walk 5 steps with a cup of water at the last water station. I counted out loud: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - okay - I'm going! and I set off for the final 2 miles. With half a mile to go, I told myself I could do anything for 5 minutes, and I kept a lady dressed like little red riding hood from passing me, 2:13 on my mind the entire time.

I reached the finish line after the worlds longest finishing chute (there was absolutely no visual presence of a finish line - just twist after twist after twist of crowd-lined trail) and I stopped dead in my tracks. I breathed and stood with little red riding hood. I accepted the water and the medal (the volunteer had to come to me, because my spent legs refused to move even another step for a small eternity) and then I remembered to stop my iPod.  It read:

2:12.

It was jubilation. Had my leg muscles worked at the time, I would have jumped in the air and clicked my heels. Allison's 2:13 half-marathon time didn't have to haunt me anymore. More importantly: I allowed spite or determination or fire or sheer willpower or simply access to a pace-declaring garmin to get me across the finish line in a manner that made myself proud. I shaved more than 28 minutes off my previous half - a feat that I will probably never be able to replicate.

Running isn't all about speed. I get that. I will never ever be the person who wins a race. I think that everyone is awesome just for showing up, walkers, runners, whoever you are. But what I am grateful for is that for once, I didn't give up on myself - something I tend to do to when I get tired and I don't want to keep putting one foot in front of the other anymore. That beautiful fall morning, I let some friendly (okay, let's face it, passive-aggressive) competition get me across the finish line on my terms.  I don't think that makes me bad. I doubt that Meb missed an opportunity last night to imagine himself running faster than the Kenyon he knew he would be up against today in the New York City Marathon. A healthy fire of a competitive spirit gets many a marathoner, triathlete, swimmer, or what-have-you across the finish line. I ran a race that I was proud of, which is really all you can hope for at the end of the day.

(That being said, it was one of the best races I've ever done. I spent way to much time on making a costume, which was half the fun. I had my sweet husband, my best friend/sister Amy, a good friend, and another Ragnar team member there to make the day full of sweet reunions. Our dear mom came to watch us all finish and even gave me and Shane a ride to the car after the race. The morning was absolutely gorgeous; cold, but invigorating. The trail was fast and beautiful the entire way. I will be back to do this race again.)

 Me finishing the longest chute ever...
 1/4 of Team Chafing Tail from 2011 Ragnar: Melissa, Becky, Amy.
 Because who doesn't love to get their picture in front of a hearse, I ask you?

Has the fire of competition ever worked in your favor?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

November Gratitude is here!

I love November for three reasons:

  • There is a 100% certainty that I will eat green bean casserole and homemade crescent rolls.
  • I like running in the cold, wintery weather.
  • I blog about things I'm grateful for.
Wahoo - gratitude blogs are some of my favorite posts to write. I even get a little nostalgic about the past gratitude posts I've written; one of my favorites is this one. I think of the person I was when I wrote them, better perhaps in someways, not so much in others

I think tonight, I am grateful for perspective. I have two stories. On the day that my dad died, I arrived at my mom's house with an anxious heart; the possibility that my dad could pass away was very real, and I had never experience a dying and then dead person before. My parents had - with my grandparents - but it was my first time. I thought of my mom and knew she was a strong person, and that if she had gotten through the days when her loved ones passed away, I could too. I faced the day as best as I could. I fought my instincts all day - after all, I'd spent my children's lifetimes worrying about them losing their lives, and to watch my dad lose his and not prevent it went against my very core being. But I held his hand and talked to him and cried with my family and waited.

I remember one pivotal moment. My dad had aspirated some medicine, and things were very, very scary. He was gasping and I knew he was probably dying and in that moment I did something I am ashamed of:  I completely panicked and ran the four steps from his bedside to the doorway of my childhood bedroom.

I reached that doorway and felt immediately felt ashamed of myself. I recognized I should have been running to my dad - to comfort him, to assure him, to do something to help him - and I was running the other way, wringing my hands and wanting someone else to deal with the situation. I stopped and consciously went back. I wouldn't run away the way I did when Dani cut her finger off in our front door.

The second story. Our fridge has a water dispenser with a filter that you have to change every 6 months. The filter indicator light went off in July. One night, I sent Shane to the store to buy a filter - he went to the Lowes while I went to Walmart and did the weekly grocery shopping. Things went smoothly - I finished my shopping within minutes of him getting back to pick me up. I got in the car and checked the filter.  "So, is this the one you were supposed to get?" I asked.

"I don't know," was his answer.

I questioned him for a while. "Really, like you didn't ask the person at the desk if it would work in our fridge? Or check the floor model fridge that is the twin of ours to see if this filter would fit?"

"Nope."

I questioned him more and more and eventually, I worked myself into quite a mood. I was angry and I kept thinking of the fact that he had (possibly) bought the filter and it might not fit. I wanted to shake my dear husband for not checking that it was the right one. I kept thinking that if it didn't fit, I would have to the one to take it back and return it and why, oh why, couldn't he have just checked so I didn't have to....

It was completely unnecessary. My husband didn't ask for directions because men don't ask. They buy whatever it is that they find and if it doesn't fit, they take it back - whatever. I realized I had pretended to take a backseat in the whole filter-buying incident, but I was really trying to control it from the get go. I got angry and upset and created a situation that didn't have to exist except for my own selfishness. Because, of course, the filter fit. Shane didn't know if it would fit, but he wasn't worried about it fitting either. And, should it not, the world would not stop.

So, two situations that highlighted two unsavory parts of my personality: running away from situations I fear, and trying to control everything in the everyday situations around me. In the past months, I have consciously tried to not do either. When I hear a noise at my house that makes my blood run cold, I fight the urge to cower and run away. I've let Shane and others do things that I would normally do myself or hover over while someone else did it. I try and let my kids do their chores while I am doing something else; no one likes a backseat toilet-cleaner or cat-box-cleaner. When Shane recently recieved a job offer, I tried not to bother him about the reasons why I thought he should stay at his old job and thought of him and the opportunity it was and how he might actually be happy at work should he take it. I didn't sit and do spreadsheets with the amounts of medical premiums and the cost of student loans; instead, I looked at the bottom line, saw it would make things a little better around here and make him happy, and trusted him that he was making the right decision.

Who knew letting go of things I feel I control (that, in all honesty, I never really had anyway) would make things easier for everyone, and maybe help us be a little happier too. I'm trying to be better.

Kind of a strange gratitude post. Forgive my ramblings. Have you made realizations about your personality that you've made an effort to change? Why is it so hard to change ourselves?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

October list

Feeling kind of rushed, so I'm doing an out-of-order 5 list for the month. Whee!

4 Things I made that I've never made before:
  1. Cream cheese frosting
  2. My mom's sugar cookie recipe
  3. Potato cheese soup
  4. Angry german soup


2 current events I might want to know happened in October in 20 years or so:
  1. Libya finding their ousted leader and killing him.  I know just enough about this topic to show my ignorance, so I'll leave it at that.  
  2. Occupy Wall Street protests. I really don't understand what it's all about, but it's happening all over, or so says the NPR.

5 things I really liked about October:
  1. Running the halloween half.  More about this later!
  2. My niece Kayci and her husband had a baby boy. So happy for them!
  3. The weather was beautiful most of the month.
  4. My kids were off track for 3 weeks into October. We had a good time I think.
  5. Ran my last 10 mile training run in a straight-ish line from South Salt Lake to the middle of Kearns. Part of it was on the Jordan River parkway trail, and it was so beautiful.   


3 things about my 3 boys:
  1. Shane got a new job. He starts on November 14. It will be interesting! It's strange how an opportunity comes when you aren't really even looking for it. I think things are going to work out with it. Plus, it's seriously 3 miles from our house. If you know where I live, NOTHING is 3 miles from my house. So for a job to be so close that is a good opportunity, it is almost a miracle.
  2. Ben started going with Thomas to his karate sparring class.  I guess Thomas showed him who's studio it was the first time they sparred each other.  I wouldn't always want to pit my kids against each other, but I do know Thomas tried a lot harder than he normally does.  Good to see he's got some fire in him.
  3. Thomas grew 4 inches in the past year.  No wonder he is always hungry. Glad to see all the apples and pears he consumes are being put to good use. Also, they both got to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, and they thought it was the neatest thing in the world.  It's so easy to entertain boys, don't you agree?

    How was your October?  Are you ready for the holidays?? 3 weeks from today is Thanksgiving, in case you were wondering....